My Wife and our Life with Cancer sorry for the lengthy post

So over all my Wife has been doing well, she has had a few set backs, last Thursday she was physically sick, puking and had a bad head ache, she slept most of the day and was feeling better Friday. I am pretty sure her sickness was due to too much medication, she takes 20mgs of Morphine twice per day as well as 10mgs of Oxycodone twice per day, on top of that she took a 10mg Valium in hopes it would help relax her leg and let her sleep, I think it was just too much for her system.

Her left leg has been really bothering her, the most likely cause is fluid build up (there is a medical term for this, and it is quite common, but since I am writing this offline, I can’t look it up),anyway her leg has been bothering her for almost 2 weeks, I did take her to the Doctor and he gave her a couple Cortisone needles with anaesthetics in her leg, it helped her a little bit and on Tuesday she goes for an ex-ray on her leg, just to be sure it is not cancer.

As for her Lung Cancer, so far it is not bothering her, she still mostly just uses her oxygen at night while sleeping, she rests a lot during the day but says her lungs are not hurting and she has no shortness of breath. She has been off Chemo for 5 months now and seems to be doing well, her CT-Scan happens February 4th , we should know the results by the 6th the latest, I am praying that it hasn’t spread further and hope that the Holistic treatments are working to shrink the tumors.

She has remained in good spirits, which is important, she is a strong willed woman who won’t give up, I am pretty sure the main reason she pulled through when the Doctors said notify the family is quite simply her Son “Hammy” , he is her entire world, she was born to be a Mom and a great Mother she is, she loves him more than life itself and that is what I believe keeps her going.

Yes I am sure she loves me as well, but it’s not the same, nor could it ever be, the Bond between a Mother and child is extremely strong and endures through time, and that bonded love is very different than the love and bonds of a spouse/partner, just as I love her and our Son on different levels, it can never be the same, but despite that difference, I’d do absolutely anything for both of them without question.

I’d do anything to have my Wife live to grow old with me, to be there when our son graduates, to be there when he becomes a Cop, to be there at his wedding, to be there to see our future grand children and to help me spoil them rotten, I’d give my very soul if it meant she lives to be old, as it is, none of this will probably come to fruition with her at my side so all I can do is cherish each day that I have with her, to constantly let her know that I LOVE her and will be okay and that I can raise our son to be the man she always dreamed he’d be, all I can do is be there in the here and now with her, there are no more future plans together, it is all down to just one simple day at a time, and I’ll take that if it means she can be here at my side just a while longer.

February 14th will be our 18th Anniversary, I am quite confident that we BOTH will be here to celebrate that milestone together, this year I can’t afford much in the way of a lavish gift, but I do have my Great Grand Mother’s Ruby and Emerald ring, I am taking it to a Jeweler to see if maybe I can do a partial trade on a small diamond ring or maybe just maybe have it turned into a nice necklace for her, I wish I could do more for her but the damn furnace just took too much even on payments, it’s a formidable bill.

I will make her her absolute favorite dinner and our son has volunteered to be our waiter , he will help make the meal too, then her and I will have a candle light dinner after which I will get down on my knee , giver her the gift and 18 red roses and tell her EXACTLY how much I love her, how much she means to me, how happy she has made me all these years and let her know that I have no regrets.

I honestly don’t know how many more Anniversaries I will have with her so I cherish the one coming up now, that’s pretty much my reality now…. just one day at a time, make no plans for the future and hope and pray for the best, I don’t really like the uncertainty of one day at a time,but really….what choice do I really have?

The only regret I have is that Hammy has witnessed the pain and suffering Cancer has caused his Mother, that I couldn’t protect him from seeing his Mom at her lowest point, that last spring I had to sit down on the back steps with him and tell him that his Mother may not survive the night, that she may be called to God’s side in Heaven….. I pray for every person reading this, that none of you will ever have to have THAT talk with a child, it is a very gut wrenching soul searing hard thing to do, to look a child in the eyes and tell them that their Mother/Father/Parent may die. That conversation damned near killed me, but it had to be done, he had and still has the right to know the truth and the facts, to not tell him would be to lose his trust completely, to not tell him would be an outright lie even by omission, to not tell him could have made him resentful, it could and probably would have made him HATE for the first time in his life, and could have led to problems with drugs or alcohol. As hard as it was, I had that very conversation with him.

Like me, Our Son is aware of just how serious this could get, it has changed all our lives, not just my wife’s, Cancer is like that, it infects and permeates around and within everyone who is involved with the person who has the actual disease, it takes over everyone’s lives not just the Patient, all you can do is go on living your lives as best as you can knowing the Cancer is still there and probably always will be, you try and work around it but you can never truly avoid it, it’s always there, just silently watching and waiting, you try to remain positive and even ignore the cancer, still it’s in your worst nightmares,it’s in the eyes of your child when he sees his Mom is not feeling well, it’s inside your head as you change the oxygen tanks and help your wife clean herself, it’s always there, even on good days when your wife is happy and bright eyed and has energy to spare, a sudden coughing spell and the blood on her lips Snap you back to the stark reality of Cancer, like an insidious demon from hell it latches onto entire families and slowly, ever so slowly strangles the life out of everyone.

You beg and plead with your God not to take her away from you and the boy, you bargain you say and do anything to buy more time, just one more Day please please please, just one more day, you fall to your knees and beg for strength and mercy to carry on to be strong for your wife, to be strong for your son, you give false hope, not meaning to or wanting to, you tell her that it’s going to be okay, she just has to stay strong and fight the Cancer, that she can do this and that you will be there every step of the way fighting alongside her, you tell her no matter what happens that you will never give up turn away or stop loving her, you bare your very soul for God and the world to see, your heart is permanently tattooed on your shirt sleeve, you are exposed to mental and emotional pain, you weep when someone you don’t even know dies of cancer, you rejoice when someone you don’t even know survives, you spend hundreds of hours researching alternative medicines and therapies that you might try with your wife, you network like crazy searching out those who have fought or are fighting for their lives against this evil vile disease, you do this without ever being asked, you do it out of love and fear, the love you have and want to continue to have with your wife, the fear , the constant fear of losing your soul mate, losing the only woman you have ever truly loved, fear of becoming a single parent and having to pick up the shattered life of a young son and carry on. Through all this turmoil, you learn quickly to appreciate each day that you have as a complete family,you are grateful and thankful each morning that you wake up and she is there at your side, Tomorrows never come when your living with cancer,today is all that matters.

I’ll stop now sorry for the long post, thanks for your time, Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch.
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

My Wife our Son Cancer raw honest thoughts and feelings coping

My wife had a rough night last night, she didn’t sleep well and was feeling pressure on her chest and had to use her oxygen all night, I am worried that the cancer is acting up again. Right now I have her upstairs resting on her oxygen, I check on her every hour to make sure all is well, she is sleeping soundly, I said I would wake her up around noon, but I think I am just going to let her sleep until 2 or 3 pm.

To be perfectly honest…. I am worried and a bit scared, if the cancer is acting up it means many more trips to the hospital and the risk of losing her greatly increases yet again, I am not ready to lose my wife, I am not ready to be a single “Dad”/parent (our son calls me Dad) , I am not ready to explain to a 13 year old boy that God needed his Mom in Heaven, I am not ready to bury her, I am just not ready period.

For the last 2 months my wife has been doing very well, she has been off chemo and living a relatively normal life, though her social life took a big hit, her immune system is so severely compromised that we have had to avoid large crowds and limit who can come over to our house, if you have a cold or flu or any sort of contagious illness then you can’t come in our house, the littlest thing can be fatal to my wife.

For the last 2 months I have once again been able to work a couple hours per night (at a friends bar) and one full day every week (cleaning the local church), the extra work is my escape, for a couple hours at least I don’t have to stare death in the face everytime I look my wife in the eye, her eyes have lost their sparkle and are rather dull, I don’t have to think about cancer or what it’s done to my family, to my wife, it’s an insidious disease, it doesn’t just have an effect on the person who has it, it affects everyone involved with that person, it is always there, relentlessly chipping away at everyones faith and strength.

I look after my wife and family as best as I can, I make sure she wants for nothing, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure her oxygen machine is clean and working properly, make sure she has enough portable tanks for when we have to go somewhere, make sure she eats, make sure she eats healthy, constantly point out the positives in her life and keep telling her just how beautiful and strong she is and letting her know just how much she is loved.

I spend as much time with our son as possible too, and always tell him just how very proud of him I am,that his Mother is also very proud of him, we work on his homework together, he helps me in my shop, and we divvy up the house chores and both do our best, I encourage him to go out and be with his friends, and we play video games together, during the summer we help each other with our work, I am so very proud of him, this last summer our son pretty much ran my entire business on his own while I was away at the hospital with my wife, he did a very good job, I am still getting letters from people saying how impressed they are with our son, they had serious doubts that a 13 year old could do the job, but he proved to them that he could and he was very knowledgeable about the equipment and work, it makes my heart sore with pride when I get a letter like that, that’s our boy! that’s my boy! I shed tears of happiness and joy knowing that I can count on our son when the chips are down.

I also worry about our son, no 13 year old should have to work that hard, no 13 year old should be faced with the fact that their Mother is at some point going to pass on, no 13 year old should be have to be living on borrowed time with their family, no 13 year old should have to grow up that damn fast,

2013 our son was just a little boy fighting for his own life with a brain tumor that was hell bent on killing him, he thankfully recovered from his surgery and thankfully they got ALL of the tumor, then in 2014 our little boy became a MAN , he set aside his own recovery and difficulties and stepped up to the plate and took over my business , and ran it like a professional, he took care of his Family when I could not, he not only worked his ass off managing my yard maintenance business, he worked his ass off at home too, he got a crash course in cooking as he often had to make his own suppers, he got a crash course in house cleaning so his Mother could sleep and recover from her Cancer treatments, he grew up too damn fast and is now forever changed, he will never be our little boy again, he is now our young man, he goes to school, hangs with his friends, but always phones home and asks if we need him for anything and to see how his Mom is doing.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face writing this blog entry, Tears of pride for my son, tears of gratefulness for everyone who rallied behind my little family, not once but twice,tears of sorrow because I fear time once again is beginning to grow short with my wife, tears of frustration because I feel I haven’t done enough, and I really don’t have a clue what else to do for my wife,tears of rage , I am so angry, so very angry that my wife is stricken with Lung Cancer, she has never smoked a day in her life, she is such a beautiful person and doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves this,but least of all her.

When I leave my little blurb at the bottom of my blog express your love often – I mean express your love to those around you, your friends,your family,your partner, your children, I say this always to remind you not to take them for granted that they will always be there with you, let them know how much you love them each day because you never know when they will be taken from you, let them know they are truly loved so they can go peacefully.

when i write never take tomorrow for granted- I mean simply that sometimes tomorrow never comes so embrace each day and live it to your fullest as though it was your last.

when I write be kind to others – I mean friends and strangers alike, rich or poor, we each are hurting, suffering,going through our own hell, a simple smile, an act of kindness towards others can make a world of difference to the recipient of your gesture,unless told we don’t know what is going on in another persons life, sometimes a simple smile an act of acknowledgement an act of kindness means the difference between life and death…literally.

I am not a wise person,I am nobody special, just another human being trying to survive in this world and do the best I can with what I have, I try not to hurt others or myself, I try to do the best I can for my family and friends, sometimes it’s not enough, it’s not enough, but I just keep trying, I try to do my best each day and live my life to the best of my ability, when I do that those around me benefit as well, I keep a weathered eye on the horizon searching out the positives in a negative world, despite my families struggle and strife with Cancer there are positives from it, for it has brought us all closer, it has tested our mettle, it has made me stronger, it has humbled me, it brought me closer to my god, it has drawn me closer to my little family and has made me cherish each day that we have together, I know we are on borrowed time, I am not foolish enough to think my wife is going to be miraculously cured, it has taught me how to suffer in silence and grace, it has taught me how to set an example for our son and others by never giving up.

I am going to stop here and go check on my wife, so you all know the drill :express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

My Wife seems to be doing good …for now

My Wife has been feeling a bit better, at the moment she is not bed ridden, she has been able to be up and move around the house, she is able to breathe on her own without oxygen for extended periods of time (6 hours so far), she felt well enough to cook supper tonight.

And what a supper it was! German sausages, beer battered onion rings, a veggie medley smothered in melted cheese and freshly baked homemade butter buns! My Wife can Cook! oh how I have missed her cooking, I have been the chief cook and bottle washer for the last 4 months, it sure was nice to taste her wonderful cooking again, I really porked out too, I am a meatasaurus, I crave meat, all types of meat, but one of my particular favorites just happens to be my wifes german sausage, I confess I eat it by the pound! I have a thing for veggies too, especially veggies smothered in melted cheese!

Now my wife isn’t cured of her cancer , nor sadly will she be, but she is doing remarkably well, I am amazed at how well she manages her day considering she is on quite the drug cocktail to keep her pain free, she takes Oxycodone twice a day, Morphine three times a day and valium three times a day, that’s just her pain management regime, she also has to take a stool softener, a laxative (because the pain pills block her up) an anti nausea medication and a needle full of Fragmin ( a blood thinner) daily.

How she is even conscious during the day is beyond me! never mind the fact that she gets up and can walk a straight line and make a meal fit for a king .

She is having issues with her potassium levels though, they are too high so she will be getting even more medication to combat that as the levels she has put her at risk for renal failure or a heart attack, this is a side effect of the type of lung cancer she has, it’s rare and called Synovial Sarcoma, it’s usually found in the limbs and rarely in the organs.

She has to be very careful of what veggies she eats as well as what fruits, potassium is her enemy right now, I never was one to watch labels at the grocery store, but now that my wife has become ill I have started reading labels very closely, which means I don’t always get to eat stuff I love, but it’s a small sacrifice if it means keeping my wife alive and well.

Today was a pleasant day, we (wife and I) spent a couple hours sitting at our picnic table enjoying the sun and watching the birds, she likes Robins and Starlings and Tree Swallows, 3 species we have plenty of out here on our little piece of paradise on the prairies.

well it is almost 10:30pm here, I will stop here for tonight, peace be with you all, remember to express your love often and never take tomorrow for granted .

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

A letter to my Wife 2

Hello Darling, it’s just me again, I want you to know that I think of you all the time and miss you like crazy, I’ve found some comfort in knowing you didn’t suffer when you went to God, I am also comforted knowing the last memory of you that our son has is of you laughing and happy.

God I miss you so much, Things are coming together perfectly for your service Darling, it shall be beautiful, the little church is a perfect setting, though small we will fit everyone in don’t you worry.

I think your entire Family is coming down, I know mine is too, I am sure you will be happy and pleased, shoot I can just hear you now saying “ I don’t like the attention, I wish there weren’t so many people” , but Darling please understand , all the people loved you and they never had the chance to say good bye, they NEED this service to find closure in their lives.

I was given a big photo of you yesterday that I’d never seen before, it was taken at your Brothers wedding, Darling you looked Beautiful, I think it is a Grand picture and I will have it framed and hung on my wall.

Has God given you your Angel wings yet? Most likely he has, if I know you , you are probably up there helping look after all the children in Heaven, I want you to know that I have felt your presence here with me more than a few times, I know it was you who motivated me to dig out that television for Hammy and take it to his room and hook up his video machine to it.

I also know it was you who motivated me to clean and uncluttered the house, I hope you don’t mind how I have been doing that? I know this was your home and it shall always be, Darling there are a few things I need you to know, I can not bring myself to sleep in our bed, I just can’t do it so I’ve been sleeping on the couch instead, it’s okay though it is comfortable to me.

I have to go upstairs sooner or later and start going through all your clothes and get them ready for donation just as you asked, forgive me Darling, I just can not bring myself to do that right yet, please allow me more time, I will get it done, I promise.

I also have to clean out the storage room, wow what a mess! I can hardly get through the door, I could use a hand in there, I need to know what I can get rid of and what must be kept, so if you could come around again sometime and guide me that would be great.

Things are different now that you are not here, the house just doesn’t quite feel like a home anymore, it’s still warm and inviting, but it is missing your touch and personality, it’s lonely here, even with Hammy, it feels empty.

Hammy is doing okay, he is still in denial I think, the other day he said he missed you very much, I do as well Darling. Hammy has only missed 3 days of school, I felt it would be good for him to go but I don’t force him, shoot you know him , he loves school anyway, He is going skiing the Friday before your service, it will do him a world of good not to have to think about all this for a day, will you guide him and protect him from getting hurt that day?

Yesterday my sister came out to the village and took us to the city, I picked up some more supplies, it feels very odd shopping without you, you know me into the store and out as quickly as possible, Hammy didn’t even complain about shopping as he usually does, perhaps it was because he knew there was food coming at the end of the shopping.

We had a good visit when we got back home…home , now there’s a word that feels strange now that you’re not here, my sister took a bunch of photos I had of you and is going to scan them and send them to your sister, I will have those photos back by Wednesday.

Darling , I really don’t want to say this, but I am pretty sure your sister is both mentally and emotionally unstable, again she is mad at me, I just can not say or do anything with out hurting her or making her angry, I am trying Darling, I am trying very hard not to upset her, I won’t really say much to her at the service but I will give her a big hug. It is said sometimes silence speaks volumes, so I shall remain silent around her, I just want the service to be perfect and to honour you, not be upsetting anyone.

Oh how I miss you Pauline, my heart aches from wanting to hold you just one more time, to hear your sweet voice, to feel your warm embrace, I would give anything to be able to hold you and tell you I love you just once more.

Every morning I kiss and hug hammy and tell him how much I love him, and again at night before he heads to bed, He looks and acts so much like you, it is almost like hugging you again, I always tell him how proud of him you were and how much you loved him, he doesn’t talk much about you yet, but give him some time Hon, he is grieving in his own way.

Our neighbours cleaned out our driveway again, this time they brought the snow blowers right up to the steps of the house, it was very kind of them, I am trading all that Boost and Ensure for a home made Lasagna and cookies with Brody’s Mom, she is so kind, she is the one who made the offer, and Cameron’s Mom paid for Hammy’s ski trip, that was very thoughtful and kind of her, and yes I got Hammy ski goggles yesterday.

I am learning to swallow my pride and accept help when it’s offered Darling, see even old dogs can change their ways! Pretty sure that has surprised a few folks, but I did realize that I do need help, just until I get used to being a single parent and find my own routine, there are a few things that I struggle with, driving alone is one of them, please understand that for 18 years I have always had you riding shot gun, now that seat sits empty and the drive to the city is lonely and seems longer, just give me time to adjust Darling, and guide my car straight and true this winter.

I am honouring you by rethinking my life, I am striving to become a kinder and gentler person, Butch 2.0 , I am finding an inner strength I never knew I had and that’s because of you Darling, you made me who I am today through your loving gentle ways, and I strive to make you proud, I always have tried and always will.

Well my Darling, I started writing to you early this morning, sadly I have to go now as Hammy woke up, I wish I didn’t have to go, I wish I could talk with you all day but again life calls me and I must answer, please know that you have made me a strong person and that everything down here will be alright, I wish I could walk with you in Heaven and tell you all this in person, but Darling, I know I can’t right now, please wait patiently for me, I will one day be at your side again.

Be happy my Darling, I shall talk with you again soon

All my Love and Devotion

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

A letter to my Wife 4

My Darling, I dreamed of you last night, you were walking in a field, your long hair gently blowing in the breeze, you looked so happy and peaceful and perfect, I stood there at the edge of the field unable to move, not wanting to move, just watching you as you skipped and twirled and laughed, I wanted to call your name, I wanted to call out to you to say I am hear my Darling, I am here, but I had no voice, I watched you with the purest of love in my heart and tears in my eyes, I so desperately wanted to hold you in my arms just once more, just for a little while.

Today my heart aches for you, the memories of you cut my very soul, what should be happy memories that comfort only bring sorrow and heart ache, even on better days my Darling, my heart aches and though I smile, it is a hollow sad empty smile, you are always in my heart, my love for you will never fade, nor will my memories of you.

I stopped living the day you passed, I only exist now , I put on a smile and a happy demeanor around our son, sadly he does the same around me as well, we are both deeply wounded and scarred for life, life for us can never be the same, fleeting moments of happiness are quickly followed by sorrow for you’re not here to share the moment with us, we miss you so much.

It has been almost 3 months since you passed, it seems like just yesterday, the pain and sorrow is even greater now, it gets worse not better as time slowly passes, spring has come, your favorite time of the year, spring a time of new life and growth, for me it is a time of sorrow for you are not here to see the beauty that comes with the season, you’re not here to share the new life springing for around me, I see the world in shades of gray now, the world has lost it’s color, it is all black and white now, I see no beauty in the world anymore, only violence strife and sorrow, our little home we built together has lost it’s luster, I look at our home and see a tired old house that is like me, just trying to hang on and cling to memories of happier times, the house is really showing it’s age now, it shows the grief and sorrow inside.

I have a little poem on the wall next to the computer, I don’t know the author, but I read it every day and think of you my Darling, the last line is what I am living for , and for me that day can’t come soon enough.

A limb has fallen from the Family tree.

I keep hearing a voice that says,”Grieve not for me,

Remember the best times,the laughter the song.

The good life I lived while I was strong.

Continue my heritage,I’m counting on you.

Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through.

My mind is at ease,my soul is at rest.

Remembering all,how I was truly blessed.

Continue traditions,no matter how small.

Go on with your life,don’t just stare at the wall.

I miss you all dearly,so keep up your chin.

Until the day comes we’re together again.”

My Darling , though I weep and grieve please know that Hammy and I are alright, we are hurt,but we will go on, we are looking after each other with a level of love and mutual understanding that most can’t understand, though my soul is in great pain, I will carry on and fulfill my promise to you, I will raise our son to be the man you have always hoped and dreamed he’d be.

Darling please watch over us and guide us down the right path, guide me in raising our son , guide him and keep him safe for he is all I have left in this world now, help me keep him safe.

Darling, again I must thank you with all my heart for loving me, for making me the happiest and luckiest person in the world, for 18 years of pure love and wedded bliss, for giving me a son and for allowing me to raise him as my own, thank you Darling for all the beautiful memories you helped me create, thank you for opening my eyes to the beauty in nature, thank you for helping me to learn and grow as a person, thank you for helping me find myself, thank you for teaching me how to love and be loved, and most importantly thank you for being you.

If I had it to do all over again , I wouldn’t change a single thing, Darling you were more than just my wife, you were my very best friend and my soul mate, and know that I love you then, now and for all eternity, I miss you my Darling, I miss you so very much.

I must go now Darling, I’d like to stay and talk to you for ever and I don’t want to go, but I must go for now , just know that I love you and I miss you .

Love always and forever

L (Butch)
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

The House just isn’t a Home when my Wife is absent

Today is the day we (my wife & I) were dreading, Chemo day, my Wife gets upset and cries when ever she has to go in for chemo, partly because it makes her so sick (ironic since it is also what’s keeping her alive) and partly because for the next 3 or 4 days she will be separated from her Family (Hammy and I) as well as her beloved pets ,Sabre (Cat) , Tippy (Cat) , Teddy Bearz (Cat) and Peepster (Cat) and of course Memphis (Big Doofy Dog), and the fact she will be away from her home.

It breaks my heart to see her cry, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to ease her physical pain or emotional turmoil, I comfort her as best as I can and try to remain positive and strong for her, outwardly I am an emotional rock, but inside I’m dying a thousand deaths knowing my wife suffers so much from Cancer, I want to scream and shout and punch something, anything just to be able to unload the heart ache I feel, knowing that the chemo , at best, is buying my wife a few extra months of life here on earth with us, always praying for a miracle , while also praying that she passes quickly in her sleep so the hurt and pain she feels will cease.

It’s hard on me to see her suffer, to see her struggle to get better so she can see her son graduate, get married, have kids etc. It kills me to know that I can’t fix this, for 17 years with her I have had all the answers, fixed all her problems,stood at her side lovingly through hell and back and through heavenly times too. Now I am at her side to the bitter end, with nothing but pure love and gratefulness, I am so very grateful that she chose to be in my life for the last 17 years, I wish and pray she could be in my life 17 more, but I know that ,that can never happen, a very huge part of me is dying inside.

Yesterday she told me that when she passes, she would want for me to find a companion or at the very least a friend, I told her I could never ever do that, she is my soul mate, I could never find that sort of love and happiness again, no I will remain single, raise our boy to be a fine man,and grow old with my memories of her.

Tonight the house just isn’t a home without my wife here, the atmosphere is different and time passes so slowly, I have to come home every evening because of our boy Hammy, even he notices the subtle changes in the house when she is not here, even the animals notice and react different than usual when she isn’t here.

With that I will say good night, I have opened up as much as I want to do for now, …Remember to express your love often, and never take tomorrow for granted. Peace be with you all

Butch



easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Updates on my wife

My Wife has a month or less to live, they have a shunt in her right lung to drain the fluid, she has a massive embolism in her lung caused by a massive blood clot, yesterday while she was coherent and able she signed the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) I also signed as I am the one who shall speak for her when she can not.

She want’s a Death with Dignity and Grace, not kept alive with machines and tubes and wires hanging out of her, I respect and understand that, I wouldn’t want that either.

She wanted to die at home and I wanted that as well as I have always found a way to grant her wishes However I talked with her sister and brother about this and they brought up hospice care, at first I was against it as this is not what my wife wanted, but I thought about it and finally admitted to myself that I just can not look after my wife’s health needs at this point, so I asked them to come talk to the in hospital social worker about it with me.

So tonight my Beautiful Wife was moved to the Palliative Care unit , it’s like a Hospice center only in Hospital, she now has a very large private room, she has a flat screen tv with 600 channels , a stereo, phone sofa big comfy bed and a nice view, I am bringing her -her teddy bear favourite blanket some pictures and music tomorrow and on Sunday I will bring her Cat to visit .

She has not been at the hospital alone, for the last 2 nights my sister has stayed with her during the night so I could come home and look after our son Hammy and our animals, I have been there every day from 7 am until 9 or 10 pm , tonight my wife’s sister is with her, and tomorrow both her brother and sister will be there at night with her, then Monday night I will spend 24 hours there , I will have my friend Wayne and his family look after our son Hammy , Hammy can come home and look after the animals then go back to Wayne’s.

I am so heart broken and I am NOT alright, I grieve hard and know only sorrow now, my Wife is dying, She asked me why God did this to her, I told her that I believed that before she was born she was an Angel in Heaven, I told her I believe God gave her charge over a very special boy (her son) so she came to earth, was born and grew up and gave birth to this very special child, along the way she was to find me and teach me how to Love, how to Trust, to teach me Compassion and Kindness and above all teach me how to parent her very special child, she did all this and so much more, she also taught me how to laugh and enjoy the simple things in life, she taught me to gaze in wonder at the stars, she taught me to thank God every day for sending me an angel, she taught me how to believe in an unseen God with all my heart and soul , she did her job that God asked her to do and she did it very well, now her work is done and God wants his Angel home as he only takes the very Best.

I also reassured her that Hammy and I would be alright that we would live each day of our lives in her memory and honour her , I told her I would talk and pray to her always, that our love is so strong that even in Death can not stop that love that I will continue to love her right up to my own death and beyond, we WILL be together again for all Eternity just right now I can not join her no matter how much my heart aches to do so for now I have to pick up and finish raising our Son to be the man she always dreamed he’d be.

I am comforted in the knowledge that she feels no pain now as they keep her comfortable and I’m comforted to know that soon my Darling wife will once again be an ANGEL, my heart breaks but I know I can live on and raise our son and he will be a great man who will one day have a wife and oh how he will love and cherish her, he WILL have what I had and so much more.

I have to stop now but I thought I should let you all know what’s going on and how things are going, thank you all for letting me talk/write about this and thank you for all your kindness and thoughtful replies I do read them I just can’t respond to you all right now, everytime I try I just break down.

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Let me talk about my Wife then and now

I remember the first time I met my wife, it was 17 years ago but seems just like yesterday.

it truly was and is a fairy tale romance, it was also love at first sight, see she is just so much more than my wife, she is also my soul mate, yes that may sound cliche’ but it’s true, if you are fortunate enough to meet your soul mate you WILL know, your very soul cries out for joy.

back to the fairy tale , the first time I saw her she was just 15 years old, my car crapped out in front of her house, I had a friend with me and while fixing the car I glanced up and saw a blonde angel working in the flower garden, I didn’t know it then but our paths were destined to cross a bit later in life, I made an off handed comment to my friend that someday I was going to marry that girl there, my friend laughed and commented about jail bait, I chuckled at hys comments but something deep within me knew that the girl in the flower garden would someday be my wife.

Fast forward 7 years, the girl in the garden was a mere faded memory, I ran an ad in the local paper for a queer friendly room mate, male, female, somewhere in between, didn’t matter as long as they could pay their share. a couple days pass and I get a knock on the door, I open the door and damn near had a heart attack, there at the door stood that angel from the garden 7 years ago! my heart soared and my soul cried for joy, I rented her the room in a heart beat.

I was dumbstruck and afraid to say or do anything to scare her, I didn’t make a pass flirt or do anything except cook fabulous dinners for her, about 3 months into having her as a room mate, she out of the blue planted a kiss on my lips… and yes my knees did buckle, at that moment we went from room mates to dating.

Now let it be known I am not a hopeless romantic, I am awkward and clumsy and not always sure of myself….she had to initiate the first moves, she had to initiate the bedroom etc. I was never good with dating and was and am not a player, I’m actually quite quiet and reserved.

But she had me hook line and sinker, I’d do anything for her, thankfully she likes the simple things in life.

The government listed us as common law 6 months into our relationship, we made it legal after being together just over 1 year, our anniversary is February 14th…believe it or not that is pure coincidence , it wasn’t planned, it just happened.

we talked about having a kid, I knew damn well that I wasn’t going to be a Mom, it’s just not in me to be THAT kind of parent, nope I am way to Butch to even entertain such a thought ( read chicken shit into that) 4 years into our marriage I figured out and arranged (with her consent) for her to get pregnant, no fuss no muss no strings attached, it was fast easy and didn’t cost a dime.

9 months later my wife gave birth to a 8lb baby boy, who I nick named Hammy (Hamster) Now my wife is a great Mom, she certainly was born to be a Mom, and our son looks just like her, he has my temper though lol, our son grew up calling me Dad, now at age 12 he still calls me Dad.

My wife is such an amazing woman, she is very passionate about life, she is a very kind caring person, the type who hugs strangers upon meeting them, she is a person that people want to open up too, she was a daycare teacher for 16 years and just last year decided to switch careers and become a cook…and she did.

I have had 17 glorious , wonderful, passionate years with her, and everyday I wake up, thank God, and fall in love with her all over again.

Now things have changed in our lives, I still fall in love every day with her, I now pray to God for 1 more day with her, I’m a deeply devoted hersband , I stopped working this year to take care of my Wife, you see she has stage 4 lung cancer, it’s a rare aggressive cancer called synovial sarcoma, there is no cure, at most she has 3 months to a year left, and I will be at her side all the way to the bitter end

Gone are the days of her laughter , our camping and hiking trips, our special time together, gone is the twinkle in her eyes and her mischievous smirk, now it’s a struggle for her to breathe, the color has faded from her skin and she has a profound sadness about her.

I do what I can for her, administer her meds, make sure her oxygen is flowing, bathe her, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, and tell her it’s okay to let go, that Hammy and I will be ok.

It’s just so hard, she turned 40 in January, she was full of life then, excited about our summer vacation plans, that all changed abruptly in less than 2 months. it’s not right, my wife never ever smoked, never drank, never did drugs and she gets struck down by an insidious cancer.

I’m sorry I have to stop here for now, the pain and heart ache I feel is just too much, I will continue in another post as soon as I can.



Do me a favor, hug your loved ones and express your love for them often

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

my wife is gone to God now

it is with a shattered soul that i write this, my Beautiful wife passed awayy last night i was fortunate to be at her side to the end, please pray for her and for our son i am beyond broken i loved her with all my heart and soul and it wasnt enough to save her please remember my wife for the beautiful person she was

please remember her like this my beautiful darling wife

butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

A Glimpse of My Wife

My wife was such a beautiful person in life, she loved people, all people, she was so warm and loving towards every person she met and if you befriended her, she would genuinely love you.

She always wrote and sent everyone cards and letters, she kept track of everyone’s birthdays and other special days and would send off cards and little trinkets just to let them know that she was thinking of them.

My wife had no use for the finer things in life ( big house new shiny cars etc) , she enjoyed the simple things in life and preferred that we always lived within our means, she would rather spend her days going for walks, a bike ride, or a drive down the many backroads here than in a shopping mall, she always preferred a backyard bonfire with friends and family over the hustle and bustle of the city.

She was “old fashioned” by today’s standards, ironically she had the same morals and values found on old tv shows such as The Walton’s or Little House on the Prairies, if you ever want to know what our lives were like and how our son was raised… just watch either show, it will give you a pretty accurate picture of our small family, my wife was modest too, she always was careful not to show too much skin unless we were at a pool or at the lake, then she wore a one piece swimsuit as she was always worried that a bikini would slip or worse come undone lol .

My wife wasn’t one for foul language, she didn’t like it and would admonish me whenever I swore, unless I was hurt ( usually self inflicted) , then she would tolerate the string of profanities that spewed forth from me, but there was 2 words that could never be spoken in her presence, and she would slap anyone or tell them off if they dared say them… 1 was Mother Trucker (take the Tr out and replace it with an F ) and 2 the dreaded “C” word C*nt … may God have mercy on you if you had dared utter these 2 words in her presence, because she showed no mercy with her reaction, she’s slap the lips clean off your face if you dared.

I used to be a foul mouthed jackass before I met her, but by the end of the first year with her, she had me trained pretty well and I rarely swore, think that’s a laugh riot, she single handedly trained all my friends and co workers as well!!

My wife carried herself with a sense of pride and grace, never arrogance, she was just very sure of herself and she shared that with everyone, she was always the first to offer encouragement, always the first to help you succeed at whatever it was you were doing, always the first to praise your accomplishments, and to pick you up and dust you off when you failed, she would never let you give up, if you failed , she would encourage you to try again and again until you succeeded, pretty soon everyone and everyone she always did this with were striving for their own personal best and success, to show her they could do it, to make her proud, and by God she was so very proud of everyone that she had helped and encouraged , and she showed it by hosting a grand party for them to celebrate their accomplishments , it was usually a backyard BBQ and bonfire (no alcohol ) , she would bake fresh biscuits and breads cakes and pies, she was famous for her potato salad and cabbage buns ( hamburger, onions, and cabbage, baked into a bun) , she would buy the person(s) individual small gifts, a token of her love and her sense of joy over their accomplishments.

My wife was very Genuine,Honest,Loyal and “Authentic” to coin a phrase. she loved life and all who were in it, her greatest love was children, she spent 17 years working as an ECE (Early Childhood Educator) , the children loved her, she had the ability to get right down to their level, be they babies, 5yrs,10yrs, etc she had a way with children that took everyone by surprise, at the end of the day when it was time for the children to go home, they would actually cry and throw temper tantrums because they did not want to be separated from her, even though they would see her again the next day, there was just something about her that made children gravitate to her , hell she had that effect on everyone and animals.

People and animals just naturally wanted to be around her, I never wanted to leave her side, and that made the hours spent away at work, the longest most agonizing hours ever, I couldn’t wait to get back home to her, when we went for our walks down the backroads , the wild animals (foxes, coyotes, deer, pronghorn antelopes,moose etc) would be within 50 feet of us and they seemed to be watching her without fear, they’d just watch as we watched back, it truly was amazing , she always tried to talk me out of hunting season, the funny thing is , we could go for a walk and see 5 10 20+ deer on any given day, yet when I went out to shoot one…. not a deer to be found for a 50 mile radius! I always used to tease her and tell her that a few days before hunting season she must be sneaking off into the fields while I’m away at work telling the animals I wanted to shoot them and that they should run and hide for the next 2 weeks! … without fail , every deer season my friends and I would have to drive to another spot in Saskatchewan to go hunting, and as soon as the season was over… our village was once again overrun with deer…. I still haven’t truly figured that out. … it has happened every year for the last 7 years… mighty strange indeed.

I don’t truly know how to describe what a wonderful person my wife was, you pretty much had to meet her to fully understand how amazing of a person she was, she kept her faith in God and never wavered, she never forced religion or her beliefs on anyone, her only insistence was saying grace before each meal, it didn’t matter what your personal beliefs were, you bowed your head and stayed silent while she said Grace. we have some friends who are Atheist , and she respected them and their thoughts and would listen with interest while they expressed their views , they would expect some sort of argument from her, but she would give none, she would simply state the obvious… guess you will find out either way when you die and leave it at that.

My wife taught me what it means to truly love and be loved unconditionally, she taught me how to trust, not just others but myself, she taught me self confidence, she taught me how to parent with a loving heart and a gentle hand, she taught me how to remain calm no matter the circumstance or situation, I have learned more about life and love in the 18 years that I was blessed to be with her, than I have in my entire life on this earth! and that is a fact you can take to the bank.

She was very selfless, always putting others before herself, sometimes I’d give her a bit of hell telling her that she deserved to put herself first, she should treat herself to whatever she wanted, she should do what pleases her and to hell with everyone else, she never listened, she never once put herself first before anyone else, if she did buy herself anything she would be wracked with guilt and either return it or give it away, she would go without to make sure others had what they needed/wanted, all the while she WAS doing exactly what pleased her most, and that was helping and giving to others, that is what made her happy.

This is but a small glimpse of what my wife was like as a person, a small fraction of who she was, words can not describe her with 100% accuracy as hard as I try, the words fail me, to me she was a true Angel in the flesh, perhaps she really was an Angel, all I know is out of the 7+Billion people on this planet…… she chose ME… I am truly humbled by that, I do not possess rockstar good looks, nor do I possess millions of dollars, but she chose me, someone who was a complete and utter asshole before I met her, complete with a lengthy criminal record… yet she chose me, looked beyond all my faults, paid no mind to my previous life, and slowly took me apart bit by bit and reshaped me and helped me grow into the person I am today, for that I am eternally grateful, I strongly dislike the person I once was, but often think about it, one of her favorite sayings was : always look forward, never back, and never forget who you were and where you came from lest you return.

I never understood that when I was a bit younger, but now it is as clear as day to me, so every once in awhile I stop and reflect on my past, reflect on where I am now, and look to the future to see where I could be if I just keep on doing what I am doing now. I will never forget who I was and where I came from before I met her, and I know that I shall never return to that place either, my personal history shall not repeat itself.

So I am going to stop here, I am feeling both happy talking about her, yet at the same time I grieve for my loss of her, see my life was so clearly mapped out and I was so sure of myself when she was at my side, I could not fail, now I am not so sure, my grief is much more and much deeper than the loss of her, my grief is also because for 18 wonderful years, I have lived and walked in Heaven with her, only I was too blind to see that, now that I realise that, it’s too late, I grieve because I will never know such love, peace and happiness again. I took that for granted, and believed in tomorrows , now I’ve lost it all and now know that tomorrows may never come, and love in its purest form is a double edged sword that can wound your very soul and take you from Heaven down to hell in the the blink of an eye, I know of hell, I am living in it now , and this is where I shall be until I too die, when I lost her, I lost absolutely everything that was good and beautiful in this world.

Remember folks : express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Letters to my Wife 3

My Darling, oh how I am missing you, I long to hold you in my arms again, I long to kiss you and whisper my love I have for you, I long just to wrap you in a warm hug and just hold you again.

I miss you being here at home, I am so lonely now.

I have accepted that you are no longer here in Body, I know you are here in Spirit, I can feel you from time to time, I know it is you that helps me get through the day, I just wish I could hear your sweet voice once more, I can only pray that you know that my Love for you shall never fade, I can only hope that your Spirit can feel the Love that I have for you.

I am lonely without you, even though our friends come by to check on Hammy and I , I remain alone and lonely, our friends just can not fill that void, the people I run into at the post office or store just lower their eyes and shuffle their feet uncomfortably when I enter, they see my grief and don’t know what to say, what can they say? Nothing said can heal the wound I now carry.

Don’t you worry though Darling, I shall be alright, this I do know, when you were at my side you gave me such strength and courage , I still have that and have come to realize that yes I can and will be a single parent, that yes I can and will be able to look after the house and the animals and yard, I have come to realize that I can and will go on living, I will be alright Darling.

Hammy too will be alright, he misses you so much, he has begun cuddling me like he used to do with you, he wants and needs to be held, he wants and needs to know that he will be alright, he wants and needs to know that we will be alright, he grieves in his own way, but don’t worry Darling, I am here for him, I will help him and hold him and comfort him.

I’ve been looking at all our pictures again Darling, do you know your eyes are sparkling in every single one of them?, oh how I miss gazing into your eyes, I miss that sparkle so much, I sorely miss the sound of your laughter and your smile that lit up the rooms, I miss your sweet voice, I miss holding you at night while you slept, I miss kissing you each morning, I miss you so much my Darling

I miss our country walks and our Sunday drives, I miss everything about you, I miss you playfully nattering at me , giving me hell for some bone headed stunt I’ve pulled, I miss your squeals of laughter when I had one of those “here hold my beer and watch this” moments, it always ended with a trip to the doctor and a couple stitches, but damn Darling it was always worth it, just to hear your laughter and have you fussing over my wounds.

I miss the times I made you angry, Darling I never once meant to make you angry, but I have to confess Darling, you always looked so cute when you were angry, you never once made me angry, I have always stopped myself from anger because I never wanted to hurt you in any way . Darling I shall do the same with Hammy, I promise I shall never raise my voice or a hand to him, you taught me how to parent well.

Things are different now Darling, please allow me time to adjust, I will get there and I am trying very hard, I hide my sorrow around Hammy, always being strong for him, as I always did with you, I grieve late at night when I am alone, so alone, honestly Darling I am struggling with being alone, I don’t know why God took you from me, I must have been a terrible person in a past life to deserve this, they say Karma always gets you, well Darling Karma has beat me down and I do not understand why?

Darling please, know my love for you will always be strong and never cease, I love you now and always until the end of time, please wait for me in Heaven, I will be there in time.

I must go now Darling, our son will be home from school soon and I have to pull myself together for him, just know that not a moment goes by that I do not think of you, you still my everything and when God took you away he took a big part of my very soul when he took you, I now have an emptiness inside me that will never heal until we are again together.

Love always and forever

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Holistic Journey what exactly my wife is doing to combat the cancer within

This Blog post is about Holistic/Homeopathic Healing, particularly what my wife is doing to Combat her Lung Cancer, I want to STRESS that the Medical worlds use of Chemo Therapy is what in fact saved her life, and after 8 rounds of Chemo over the course of 8 months, she survived and was able to begin the Holistic part of her fight against Cancer.

All over the internet you can read about folks who have cured themselves with various holistic and non medical methods, Rick Simpson is a good example, he in fact did cure his cancer with Hemp Oil, there are many many stories about Hemp Oil and of people who have been cured from using it, and they are in fact true. Hemp oil is most certainly a good tool in the fight against Cancer, The reason why they don’t use it in Hospitals? Because the big drug companies can’t patent a plant that anyone can grow! Sad but true.

There are other Cancer fighters out there that can help combat, manage and cure Cancers, like B-17 ( Laetrile/Amygdalin) my wife takes it in capsule form 100 mg 3X per day, now the capsules are illegal in many places (due mostly to cyanide build up fears by the medical profession), Mexico uses B-17 in their hospitals to treat Cancer patients, if you can’t find B-17 in capsule form all is not lost, you can get Apricot bitters (crushed/ground up Apricot seeds) at your local health food or Holistic store, there is Laetrile in them, you can use a grinder and grind them down further and make your own capsules if need be, or sprinkle it in your foods and salads, you can also simply eat the crushed seeds.

Curcumin (Turmeric extract) is also another Cancer fighting agent, and is legal world wide, my wife takes 680 mg 3X per day in capsule form, this stuff does more than just fight cancer, if you have arthritis it helps lessen the frequency of the flare ups and helps boost your immune system, you can find a ton of information on Curcumin (turmeric extract) online and it’s various uses.

Cannabis Sativa seed oil is a weaker but legal version of Hemp oil, it can be found at health food stores and Holistic stores , my wife takes 760mg 3 X per day in capsule form , the THC level is so low that it’s not even mentioned on the ingredient list, but the Cannabinoids are all there that are needed to combat cancers where as Hemp oil is high in THC. (Hemp oil would obviously be the better choice of the two, but you work with what’s available) Hemp oil is really expensive and unaffordable to many people (including us) so we use the affordable Cannabis Sativa seed oil..

Another thing she does is change the PH balance in her body, Cancer likes an acidic environment, 1 teaspoon of Baking Soda in an 8 ounce glass of lemon water (no sugar) and she drinks that 3X per day to maintain a PH balance that the Cancer can not thrive in…. Baking soda was found to combat cancers very early in the last century (late 1800’s early 1900’s) there is a lot of info online about it.

Finally Chemo destroys your immune system, making it so you can’t be around people with colds or flu’s or any illness as what is minor to them could be fatal to you, the medical world generally doesn’t tell you when your immune system will start recovering or if it will recover at all…. so many questions left unanswered, for a mega immune booster (and again a cancer fighter) Honey and Ginger , I make mason jars of this for my wife, basically I fill half a mason jar with honey, then the other half with fresh shopped and diced Ginger and mix it all together thoroughly, my wife takes 1 teaspoon 4X per day straight out of the jar, it has to be a plastic or ceramic spoon as metal spoons cause some sort of chemical reaction, I found this recipe online , and I can tell you after 3 days of her doing this her energy levels are through the roof!

These are the Homeopathic medicines that my wife uses, I can’t tell you what capsule is working or what combination she is taking that is working, but what she is taking is helping her, is it Curing her Cancer?? … I won’t be able to tell you until February the 11th , when we find out the results of the CT Scan which happens February 4th . It truly is helping her, but if it’s curing her we don’t know just yet.

I won’t say screw the medical world and fight cancer on your own with Holistics and homeopathy, that choice is yours and yours alone, but I will say that supplementing medical treatment with holistics can be a good thing and generally won’t hurt you, But Definitely look into Hemp oil, if you can afford it and obtain it , it may just be the magic bullet as there is so much information out there on it.

The whole point of this post is NOT to say screw medical help, the point is to put it out there and make people aware that there are alternatives, that there is more options than just Chemo, to get people to start researching alternatives to Chemo, to make people aware that we do not have to rely on the big drug and pharmaceutical companies to heal us when we are broken, that there are alternatives, to share information on what works, or seems to work, to make people aware.

The above regimen that my wife is on is working for her, will it work the same for you? I don’t know, as I stated we are not sure what combinations are doing what, so we stick to them all and that seems to be benefiting her a very great deal, she is pain free and has no shortness of breath, she is able to have an almost normal life again, she feels good and is healthy, as I also said she gets a CT scan February 4th and we will find out just how much all of this is helping February 11th, and you can bet I will post the results here in my Blog.

So that’s it for now, from My little Family to you and yours , Have a Blessed and Merry Christmas

Remember folks, express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

My Wife is back home inner strengths cross blogging

Before I get too far into my ramblings, y’all should know that I cross blog, meaning I also keep a blog at Blogspot : http://butchcountry67.blogspot.ca/ it’s a mirror of this one here at word press : http://butchcountry67.wordpress.com/ < this is for the blogspot readers.

I started out a couple years ago at blogspot because it is an easier format ( I like the simple things) , also I could customize the holy jinkers out of it and make it mine, something I am still figuring out how to do here at wordpress, I’ll get it….. eventually! ( I’m not the most tech savvy Butch on the planet) As I found out (the hard way) it isn’t easy to copy and paste from blogspot to here (the platforms must not agree) but it is easy peasy to copy and paste from wordpress to blogspot, so that’s exactly what I do.

That said, now onto bigger and better things!

My wife is home from the Cancer center again, she finished up her Chemo Sunday and the doc said I could bring her home, She is pretty sick at the moment, chemo really knocks the hell outta her, she should start feeling better within the next day or two.

My heart Zings when I get to have her at home, when she is at the hospital I miss her dearly, she doesn’t like visitors when she is getting chemo so I stay away and it truly kills me, I love her so very much and everytime she goes into the hospital, I pray that she comes back out.

The atmosphere of the house has shifted yet again, now it truly feels like a home again, as I have stated when she is away the house seems cold and quite uninviting , My wife has a big personality and a big presence and you feel that when she is near. We give each other comfort and strength through these rough times, add our son Hammy to that and as a team we forge ahead regardless of the obstacles, as a family united it feels like we are unstoppable, but remove just one from the team, we flounder and begin to fail, we have our share of ups and downs that’s for sure.

You really don’t know how truly strong you are until you are literally backed into a corner with very little hope of escape, I don’t even truly know how strong I am …yet, as hard as it is to have the Love of my Life have stage 4 (end stage) Lung Cancer, I still carry on and get what needs to be done, done, life has to go on, I look after her as best I can, make sure she is comfortable, make sure she gets her meds on time, administering her needles and making sure she wants for nothing & being the rock to lean on that she needs me to be.

Then there is Hammy (not his real name,just my nick name for him) he is a pretty independent 12 year old, but still needs his Mom (my wife)and sometimes me (Dad),but mostly his Mom , I try to take care of his emotional needs as well, keep him positive and happy , it is very hard for him as well, he knows the truth,that his Mom is most likely not going to survive this illness, we don’t lie to him, it is better that he knows the truth from the get go than to have him be angry and hate me for not telling him just how serious this is later, and again being the emotional rock that he also needs me to be.

I don’t really take good care of myself, I do the bare minimum when it comes to myself, yes I keep good hygiene, yes I keep fed, yes I take my own meds for depression, but that’s about it, I don’t do therapy, I just don’t have the time, between getting our son to his therapy sessions and looking after my wife, the house, bills, property,animals,(dog and cats) , work schedules, I don’t really have time to do much else, so here is my therapy, writing in my blog and continuously fighting with spell checker that doesn’t recognize Canadian English, dropping the “u” is the bane of my existence.

Inner strength, do I have it? I guess so , where it comes from I do not know, I have always been a “get -er – done ” kind of person always doing what needs doing no matter how tough the doing is, it doesn’t make me any kind of special, just makes me able to quickly get a handle on most problems and solve them, that’s all, nothing more.

I am NOT the solid unbreakable rock that I appear to be, there are many cracks in my foundations, they are just unseen by others, my wifes cancer and the fact that it is terminal blew a pretty big hole in my foundations, I patched them as best I can and got down to the business of looking after her, another major crack in my foundation is the fact that just last year our son Hammy was fighting for his young life, he had a brain tumor, thank god it turned out to be benign , the surgery to remove it damn near killed him. I also carry many cracks from years past, my youth and childhood, I got good at patching the cracks, so I don’t rightly know just how strong my inner strength is, I haven’t hit my limit just yet, I’ve come close plenty of times,but always managed to patch it before imploding.

Leads me to believe that human beings are so much stronger than they believe they are, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, especially when the situation is balls to the walls dire, I think it’s in everyone , the lucky ones just never have to use it, I mean really use it. Most people will have to draw on that inner strength in one form or another, and all I can say is, hang in there , draw on it , use it,and you will survive , you can do it, just be confident and truly believe in yourself and anything is possible. thats a fact for sure.

Anyway that’s all I got for tonight, remember to express your love often, don’t take tomorrow for granted, Peace be with each and every one of you

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Cancer Treatments Alternatives and my Wife life in general so far

So I took my wife to the Cancer Centre today for her check up, the Oncologist did a routine check up on her and is amazed that she is doing so well, in fact he said it is a Bloody Miracle that not only is she alive, but is doing so well! I discussed the use of Curcumin (Turmeric extract) as a cancer treatment as well as Hemp oil, The oncologist said by law he can’t recommend the use of these 2 compounds, but off the record he said that both are good for killing cancer cells and shrinking tumours,but I didn’t hear it from him.

Then it was off to our Family Doctor for prescription refills, he had read today’s oncology report and he too said my wife is experiencing a Miraculous Recovery!!……… That word…. Recovery!! dare I believe? …. I am cautiously optimistic and will remain so until I see the results of the CT Scan that happens at the end of January, her next appointment with the Oncologist happens February 11th, but we will know the results of the CT Scan long before that through our family doctor….we shall see.

I found a supplier of Hemp Oil, Old Fashioned Foods carries it in both liquid and capsule form, I am headed there today or tomorrow to pick up a good supply for my wife, I am also in the process of growing some Cannabis plants for her, there are multiple ways to use the Cannabis for cancer, she can eat it, take the buds (the part people usually smoke) and dry them then sprinkle them into salads and other foods, she can juice the leaves along with kale,celery,and other leafy greens or berries and make a smoothie , or I can convert some of the plants into oil, put the oil into capsules and she can then take the oil in pill form a couple times per day.

Cannabis/Hemp has very good cancer fighting and killing properties, if you are interested and have some extra time Google this guy : Rick Simpson , he wrote an article (possibly a book) called Running from the Cure, this guy had cancer and used Cannabis/Hemp to cure himself, he is the Governments and Medical worlds worst enemy as instead of railing against Cannabis and Hemp use he speaks out for it, and explains why the big Pharmaceutical Companies don’t want you to know about the medical applications for Cannabis and Hemp, it not only helps Cancer Patients, but also MS patients, and may help against Alzheimer’s .

Curcumin (turmeric extract) also does much the same as Cannabis and Hemp for Cancer Patients, it too kills cancer cells and helps promote healthy cells, I have also been reading about changing the PH balance in your body, a half teaspoon of baking soda in an 8oz glass of water twice a day is supposed to alter your PH which apparently Cancer doesn’t like and it is supposed to stop cancer from spreading and may even begin to kill the cancer cells….. Now I haven’t fully researched baking soda and the whole business of changing your PH balance so don’t take this blog as Gospel, it is just something I have stumbled across and thought worth mentioning, please by all means look it up and do some homework on it as well.

One of my goals is to find what works for my wife, then start a new page/blog dedicated to alternatives in the fight against Cancer, but before I can even begin to think of doing such thing, I’d better be DAMN SURE that I have my FACTS straight and HAVE living PROOF that it works, I am never going to start a page/blog that gives false hope to people.

I will state though that the benefits of Cannabis,Hemp and Curcumin (turmeric extract) are very well documented and the proof is getting harder and harder for the medical world to refute. So there IS something there, but again, do your research and homework, I do NOT advocate ignoring conventional Cancer treatments nor do I advocate ignoring the medical world, I would say to try Cannabis/hemp oil and Curcumin in combination with what ever treatments your doctor advises, or after exhausting all other medical avenues, I would NEVER just rely on one method in the fight against cancer.

Chemo saved my wife’s life, that is a FACT, it brought her back from the brink of death…literally, so even though Chemo is hard on your body, has major side effects (physically ill, hair loss,compromises the immune system and can cause major depression) I still advocate it’s use, the benefits of it far outweigh the negatives, it can and does slow the cancer, it can and does kill cancer cells and shrinks tumours, it does save lives and extend life,and sometimes can kill the cancer altogether, of course it depends on the type of cancer and the person.

My wife went through 8 rounds of very aggressive Chemo over the course of 8 months, 8 rounds is really pushing the proverbial envelope, most times the doctors will stop after 6 rounds as more than 6 can often do more harm than good, and sometimes be LETHAL to the person receiving the treatment, but with my wife they pushed it to 8 as the Chemo was shrinking the tumours in her lungs, when they reached number 8 the tumours just wouldn’t shrink anymore so they ceased the treatments.

She was sent home on a 2 month break and to recover from such massive doses of Chemo, it was at that moment where I began seriously researching alternative treatments, I knew about Cannabis/Hemp and it’s healing properties, but knowing about it is not enough, I had to research it more and be sure I had the facts as not knowing can do more harm than good, it is also when I stumbled across Curcumin as a treatment as well and began to do research into it’s use. Also I came across a little bit of information that stated that there was a substance in Celery that had anti Cancer properties , I had always thought that Celery was mostly just made up of water, but hey it’s worth a try right? And celery never killed anyone and makes a good snack, it’s healthy too, did you know that you burn more calories eating a celery stalk than what is in the celery itself? … me either!

There is also a very controversial supplement commonly called B-17 (Laetrile/Amygdalin) that supposedly has cancer fighting properties, my Mother In-law insists that her brother cured his bladder cancer with it, and I have heard that in Mexico they use it in liquid form at hospitals on cancer patients, but as I said, I have just heard about it, it’s all hear say to me and unsubstantiated, but my Mother in law sends a couple bottles every so often so my wife takes them , is it helping? … I don’t know, but it isn’t doing her any harm either, you can also use apricot seeds the same way as they contain the same ingredients as the B-17… I have done a little research on B-17 but there is not a lot out there on it.

I can’t say definitively if any of the alternative treatments (the B-17,Curcumin, or Celery and very shortly the Hemp Oil) is doing anything or helping my wife, but know this, the Doctors are perplexed as they can’t figure out why she is still alive, and why she continues to improve, and how is it she has almost a normal life again. We (my wife and I ) also contribute the power of prayer and positive energies people around the world have been sending to her as being a major factor in the life she has now, I am quite sure that it is helping a great deal.

Anyway, I will stop here so I can go to the city and get my wife some Hemp Oil, I hope this entry has provided information and leads to help others in their struggles with Cancer, I don’t know how to drop links into Open Office yet, but until I do, Google is just a mouse click away for you to look up some of the alternatives I’ve mentioned here in this blog.

Remember folks, express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted and be kind to others

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

My Memorial Tattoo to my late wife is done!! photos

So as I told you all yesterday, I was getting a Tattoo to honour my Wife, She absolutely LOVED Wolves, I truly believe Wolves were her kindred Spirit, she in fact picked this very wolf design out for me back in November-December, when I mentioned that I’d like to get another Tattoo, so this one has very deep meaning to me. I had her first name added because I wanted Everyone who sees it to know just how special this Tattoo is.

My love for my wife will never fade or diminish, I love her now, always, and forever, this Tattoo will keep her memory alive for all time.

I had this done in just one sitting, it took about an hour and a half, it’s on my upper left arm, it will take a couple days for the redness to dissipate and the swelling to go down, did it hurt? not really no it honestly didn’t, it felt much the same as a sunburn , this is the second Tattoo on my left arm , the other is on my forearm:

This one is a Memorial to my Father, it’s about 10 years old now and due for a touch up, which I am having done on my next visit to my Tattoo Artist, on the underside of this arm I am going to have my Son’s name going from Elbow to wrist in Old English/Calligraphy lettering done, I left a space between this Tattoo and the one I just got today for a Dove with an Olive Branch in it’s beak , that one will be for my Mother when she passes.

As I said in a previous post about Tattoo’s, I can’t show you the one’s on my thigh’s without showing you my junk, and I am certainly no going to let you see that, that is sacred ground, off limits to everyone on the planet… that, and I’m not an exhibitionist lol

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say tonight, Remember folks:express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

My Wife general ramblings

My wife has started to lose her hair from Chemo,it is very hard for her emotionally, see she has always had naturally curly long (down to her butt) blonde hair, she is devastated that we had to cut it to shoulder length, and now it is falling out in clumps, I really feel bad for her when she looks in the mirror and bursts into tears.

I try to console her by letting her know she is as beautiful now as she ever was, and remind her that her hair will grow back. I bought her a teal barrett, a french type hat that you see the high fashion ladies wear in the movies, and picked up some purple and pink bandanas to make do rags (sp?) for her and this Wednesday after her appointment at the Cancer center, I am taking her wig shopping. At least with a wig she can have some semblance of normalcy in her life.

I put a portable oxygen tank in the car today and took her for a drive in the country, I parked up on a hill over looking a flooded wheat field, there were thousands if not tens of thousands of Snow Geese and Canadian Geese as well as a large variety of ducks milling around in the water, we just sat there for a couple hours windows down, classical music playing softly on the radio, just watching the birds and enjoying the warm gentle breeze.

We never spoke, didn’t have to, just enjoying each others company and holding each other quietly, as I said in an earlier post somewhere, she is my soul mate and I hers, we can speak volumes to each other without uttering a single word, I would gaze upon her for a time and in my heart and eyes,I seen the long haired beauty that I married 17 years ago, to me with or without hair my wife is beautiful, I’ve had to choke back countless tears while at her side and be strong for her, and be the rock she needs me to be.

When we got back home she wanted to lay down for awhile,so I got her settled into her bed in the living room and kissed her forehead softly then went outside to do some spring yard work.

I took down the snowfence along our driveway, then hooked up the water pump and began pumping out our backyard, every spring our yard floods, our property is low so the melt water rushes in and every year I spend a week pumping it out.

After I got the pump going and the water draining into the nearby field, I grabbed Hammy (our son) and got into a game of shinny (road hockey) with him for a few hours, I feel bad for him, since his Mom got sick he has kind of been pushed to the side, it’s my fault, but today I vowed to resolve the situation and spend a minimum of 2 hours per day with him, just him and me doing whatever it is he wants to do.

Hammy and I have a date tomorrow for a long bike ride in the country(pedal bikes) it should be interesting, him and I are close, but he is a Mom’s boy through and through, he is very scared and worried for his Mom, and yes, he is also fully aware of his Mother’s situation and knows that in the end it will be just him and me , that is a hell of a lot for a 12 year old boy to be going through.

I have arranged for him to go to a farm in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan ,for a 4 day visit to play with newborn billy goats and newborn piglets, he needs the break from all this sickness and stress.

While he is away I will strip the old shingles of my workshop and begin re-roofing it, Don’t get me wrong I love our son dearly, but I work faster alone and without him there I need not worry about him nailing his foot to the roof with the air nailer.

He can help put in the last of the log and post coral style fence when he gets back home, I use an antique manual post hole auger, it builds muscle and is a great cardio workout to boot, only have 10 more posts to put in, and 20 logs, 12 footers, this fence has been a labor of love for the last 3 years, so far 150 posts have been dug and put in, all by hand.

anyway that’s about it for tonight, I’ll stop here, and remember, express your love often to those near and dear to you, never take tomorrow for granted for tomorrow may never come.

Butch
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

A Letter to my Wife

My Darling Wife, I know it has only been a few days, but it seems like a life time for me, I miss you so much I wish you didn’t have to go. I won’t lie it has been a tough week so far but I will manage, it is said that God never gives you more than you can handle, well Darling I beg to differ to be honest I have gone well beyond my breaking point, I am broken, so broken, this is a pain that consumes me, I hurt so bad now.

I promised you that I would be strong for our son and Darling, I shall keep that promise don’t you worry things will be okay.

I’ve been cleaning our house a lot these last few days and I find little things that once belonged to you here and there, though my heart breaks I stop and smile when I find something of yours.

Hammy went back to school today, he is alright but I don’t think this has fully hit him yet, but it shall next Saturday at your service, don’t worry Hon, I will carry Hammy and his grief until he heals, you taught me how to parent well so don’t you worry , I got this.

I wrote a little something for your service to help our friends and family better understand what a Beautiful person you were, if you don’t mind I’d like to post it here for people around the world to read so that they may also know what a Beautiful person you were. So here it is :

" Pauline was always about Family, she brought Families together, she always wanted any disagreements to stop and for everyone to just love each other, she understood the miles between each of us and would always tell those who wanted to visit but couldn’t, it’s okay, I understand, Your Family must always come first, and she sincerely meant that with all her heart.

Pauline was the foundation of our own little Family, she taught me about Love, to Love and be Loved, she also brought me closer to God, she taught me how to parent with a gentle hand and a loving heart,she taught me to find so much joy and happiness in the simple things in life, she was such a Great Mother, her gift and legacy to the world is J******(Hammy).

Pauline was so much more than a Daughter,a Sister,a Mother, a Wife, she was also my Best Friend and Soul Mate, and I know she is smiling down upon us now and loving each and everyone from Heaven."

I hope you like that Darling? Does it do you justice? It is so hard to define you in so few words, sadly words are not enough to express who you were or the person you were, no one can truly know except for you and I, I also promised you that I would live each day in your honour, and Darling, I surely will.

The little church is going to be packed to the rafters, I think you’d like the service that is planned for you, I swear the entire village is going to be there, all your family and mine as well, your friend David that you grew up with is a pastor and is going to do your service, I have ordered 13 white Roses for you from Hammy, one for each year of his life, and 18 red Roses , one for each year that we were married.

I hope you enjoy the service, it’s a celebration of your life, we have the town hall for a tea and lunch at the end of the service, I ordered a Black Forest Cake , your favorite, and I just had to order butter tarts for me, there will be wild game meats as well as domestic, perhaps some of the city folks will try a few pieces.

The village has been so kind to Hammy and I, the freezer is full of foods that have been dropped off, I really wish I had known that they would do that for us as I had just finished grocery shopping the previous day. I don’t have much more room in the fridge or freezers now.

They are also doing another fund raiser and the donations keep pouring in so don’t you worry everything will be alright. The village is looking out for Hammy and I.

I have decide that Hammy and I shall stay out here, we love the village as much as you did, this little house of ours has a lot of good memories, I want to keep the house and those memories so you need not worry about that either.

They say it gets easier over time, but Darling the more time that passes, the more I miss you, I don’t think that time will make it easier for me, but don’t you worry, I shall do everything that I promised and I know that we will meet again. I am 47 now, so at most another 30 years until you and I are together in Heaven for all Eternity, those 30 years will be long for me, but for you they shall just be a moment in time.

I have much work to do Darling, I have to finish raising our son, be there when he marries, and spoil our future grand children, my work won’t be done until those grand children know all about you and how Beautiful you are. I am confident that I can do the task you charged me with, you gave me that confidence and I thank you.

I know you had wanted me to go on and find love again after you are gone, but Darling I just can’t do that, I could never love and devote my life to anyone as I have with you, and that would be very unfair to them, you were my soul mate, there can never be another, please understand why I choose to remain single til my time has come, my love for you shall never weaken, it shall only grow stronger for you as each year passes by, each year that passes brings me one step closer to you, and that comforts me.

Don’t worry Darling, I haven’t turned my back to God either, I might be upset at him for doing this to you, but I also understand that he will have you guide me all the days of my life, and when I pray to him he shall send you to answer, you rest now Darling, your work here is done and you did a wonderful job, I shall see you again and my heart will again rejoice, until then Darling I ask you watch over Hammy and help me to guide him down the right path.

Darling, I have to go now, I don’t want to, I could talk to you for eternity, but I have to go on living so I will stop here for now, I will talk to you again shortly, I love you so much and I miss you.

Love always and forever

L.

(Butch)
easy wood projects to build

Read More..

Getting remarried to my Beautiful Wife again

17 years ago we stood at the alter and exchanged our vows , promising each other and before God that we would love and remain together through sickness and health , richer or poorer til death do us part.

To my Beautiful Wife, I want you to know that you are so much more to me than just my wife, you are my very best friend, the person I go to with all my triumphs and failures, the person that I trust my life with and that knows all my secrets both good and bad yet doesn’t judge or condemn me.

You are my partner, you complete me, without you , honestly, I am nothing, you found me when I was broken and you with your love, compassion, devotion and faith healed me and made me whole again.

You are my soul mate, I don’t know how to tell you how I know this, I just know, when we first met I was scared and unsure of myself, but something deep down inside me, cried out in joy and I knew in that instant that no matter what we were meant to be together, I knew then that no matter what I must win your heart and have you at my side, I knew then that my life had no meaning or purpose without you.

In the 17 years we have been together my love and devotion to you has only grown and become stronger, thanks to you we have became parents, and you let me share in raising our child, who like his Mom, is a pretty amazing kid, you showed me a softer gentle side of you , you are an Amazing Mother, I have learned so much about parenting by listening and watching you, Thank you for helping to make me a good parent, I could never be without your gentle loving guidance, Thank you for having our son and giving me a Family to watch over and protect, you gave me purpose.

For me it seems just like yesterday that we were young and crazy and just met, everyday for 17 years I have woken up and fallen head over heals in love with you all over again, and for 17 years each night I have prayed and thanked God for putting you in my life.

It’s been 17 wonderful years full of life, full of joys and hardships, but together we have faced each day with love and determination , You have given me the strength, hope, desire to carry on when there seemed like no hope, with you at my side I knew I could take on any obstacle or hardship head on, you quietly gave me the strength to carry on and never give up, you gave me hope when there was none, you quietly encouraged me to strive to be better, not only for myself,but for our son, for you,for those around us, you taught me compassion, you brought out my softer side and encouraged me to give of myself without any expectations, you taught me to always do the right thing no matter how difficult it may be.

Even now in your sickness you continue to bring the best out of me, your so loving caring and giving and often suffer in silence while being strong for both myself and our son, I know this, I see this, I understand this, it breaks my heart but at the same times deepens my love for you.

So I am asking now, once again, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health, will you honor me one last time and be my wife and marry me once more?

All my Love and deepest Devotions, your loving partner

Leslie
easy wood projects to build

Read More..