My Wife our Son Cancer raw honest thoughts and feelings coping

My wife had a rough night last night, she didn’t sleep well and was feeling pressure on her chest and had to use her oxygen all night, I am worried that the cancer is acting up again. Right now I have her upstairs resting on her oxygen, I check on her every hour to make sure all is well, she is sleeping soundly, I said I would wake her up around noon, but I think I am just going to let her sleep until 2 or 3 pm.

To be perfectly honest…. I am worried and a bit scared, if the cancer is acting up it means many more trips to the hospital and the risk of losing her greatly increases yet again, I am not ready to lose my wife, I am not ready to be a single “Dad”/parent (our son calls me Dad) , I am not ready to explain to a 13 year old boy that God needed his Mom in Heaven, I am not ready to bury her, I am just not ready period.

For the last 2 months my wife has been doing very well, she has been off chemo and living a relatively normal life, though her social life took a big hit, her immune system is so severely compromised that we have had to avoid large crowds and limit who can come over to our house, if you have a cold or flu or any sort of contagious illness then you can’t come in our house, the littlest thing can be fatal to my wife.

For the last 2 months I have once again been able to work a couple hours per night (at a friends bar) and one full day every week (cleaning the local church), the extra work is my escape, for a couple hours at least I don’t have to stare death in the face everytime I look my wife in the eye, her eyes have lost their sparkle and are rather dull, I don’t have to think about cancer or what it’s done to my family, to my wife, it’s an insidious disease, it doesn’t just have an effect on the person who has it, it affects everyone involved with that person, it is always there, relentlessly chipping away at everyones faith and strength.

I look after my wife and family as best as I can, I make sure she wants for nothing, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure her oxygen machine is clean and working properly, make sure she has enough portable tanks for when we have to go somewhere, make sure she eats, make sure she eats healthy, constantly point out the positives in her life and keep telling her just how beautiful and strong she is and letting her know just how much she is loved.

I spend as much time with our son as possible too, and always tell him just how very proud of him I am,that his Mother is also very proud of him, we work on his homework together, he helps me in my shop, and we divvy up the house chores and both do our best, I encourage him to go out and be with his friends, and we play video games together, during the summer we help each other with our work, I am so very proud of him, this last summer our son pretty much ran my entire business on his own while I was away at the hospital with my wife, he did a very good job, I am still getting letters from people saying how impressed they are with our son, they had serious doubts that a 13 year old could do the job, but he proved to them that he could and he was very knowledgeable about the equipment and work, it makes my heart sore with pride when I get a letter like that, that’s our boy! that’s my boy! I shed tears of happiness and joy knowing that I can count on our son when the chips are down.

I also worry about our son, no 13 year old should have to work that hard, no 13 year old should be faced with the fact that their Mother is at some point going to pass on, no 13 year old should be have to be living on borrowed time with their family, no 13 year old should have to grow up that damn fast,

2013 our son was just a little boy fighting for his own life with a brain tumor that was hell bent on killing him, he thankfully recovered from his surgery and thankfully they got ALL of the tumor, then in 2014 our little boy became a MAN , he set aside his own recovery and difficulties and stepped up to the plate and took over my business , and ran it like a professional, he took care of his Family when I could not, he not only worked his ass off managing my yard maintenance business, he worked his ass off at home too, he got a crash course in cooking as he often had to make his own suppers, he got a crash course in house cleaning so his Mother could sleep and recover from her Cancer treatments, he grew up too damn fast and is now forever changed, he will never be our little boy again, he is now our young man, he goes to school, hangs with his friends, but always phones home and asks if we need him for anything and to see how his Mom is doing.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face writing this blog entry, Tears of pride for my son, tears of gratefulness for everyone who rallied behind my little family, not once but twice,tears of sorrow because I fear time once again is beginning to grow short with my wife, tears of frustration because I feel I haven’t done enough, and I really don’t have a clue what else to do for my wife,tears of rage , I am so angry, so very angry that my wife is stricken with Lung Cancer, she has never smoked a day in her life, she is such a beautiful person and doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves this,but least of all her.

When I leave my little blurb at the bottom of my blog express your love often – I mean express your love to those around you, your friends,your family,your partner, your children, I say this always to remind you not to take them for granted that they will always be there with you, let them know how much you love them each day because you never know when they will be taken from you, let them know they are truly loved so they can go peacefully.

when i write never take tomorrow for granted- I mean simply that sometimes tomorrow never comes so embrace each day and live it to your fullest as though it was your last.

when I write be kind to others – I mean friends and strangers alike, rich or poor, we each are hurting, suffering,going through our own hell, a simple smile, an act of kindness towards others can make a world of difference to the recipient of your gesture,unless told we don’t know what is going on in another persons life, sometimes a simple smile an act of acknowledgement an act of kindness means the difference between life and death…literally.

I am not a wise person,I am nobody special, just another human being trying to survive in this world and do the best I can with what I have, I try not to hurt others or myself, I try to do the best I can for my family and friends, sometimes it’s not enough, it’s not enough, but I just keep trying, I try to do my best each day and live my life to the best of my ability, when I do that those around me benefit as well, I keep a weathered eye on the horizon searching out the positives in a negative world, despite my families struggle and strife with Cancer there are positives from it, for it has brought us all closer, it has tested our mettle, it has made me stronger, it has humbled me, it brought me closer to my god, it has drawn me closer to my little family and has made me cherish each day that we have together, I know we are on borrowed time, I am not foolish enough to think my wife is going to be miraculously cured, it has taught me how to suffer in silence and grace, it has taught me how to set an example for our son and others by never giving up.

I am going to stop here and go check on my wife, so you all know the drill :express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
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Random Thoughts and the Law be damned!

One of my projects last month was to replace our old worn out commode (circa 1980-ish), with a brand spanking new one (which I surely did), see the old one just plain wore out, I tried in vain to salvage it by putting a brand new low flush tank on it (apparently you can not buy a new none enviro/low flow/ econo tank anymore, even from used hardware stores like the re-store), anyway the new modern tank just failed 40 ways from sunday, it just didn’t have enough oomph to flush the old commode , so it was out with the old and in with the new….. which involved 2 people to install,and a very gross wax gasket replacement (we shall skip the gory details and sum it up with …. it was fart knocking NASTY !!)

My Wife was in the hospital having chemo when I undertook this swap out, it was to surprise her with a commode that was a tad taller (no more knees up around your ears while sitting on it) , and most importantly… a commode that actually flushed! (no more hauling a bucket of water from the tub/shower to flush), I even fancied up the new commode with a seat and lid (plastic) shaped like an oyster shell ! and yep she was surprised, so much so the first time she sat on it she discovered her feets barely touch the floor, and she learned if she stayed on it too long her feets fell asleep ….have you ever seen someone try to walk with both feet gone numb/asleep?? … lotsa laughs , her being sick or not, that right there was funny stuff!! , no worries the new commode also got our son too!! not only did both of his feet fall asleep, so did both legs!! he looked an awful lot like a drunken chimpanzee trying to walk, and ohhh the squeaks and squeals and the panic stricken look on his face as he flopped around with his pants around his ankles was PRICELESS! I nearly passed out from laughing so hard! … so user beware, you need to be around 5ft10 or taller to use my commode, if you are shorter, well your feet and legs just may fall asleep if you sit too long! as for me? I’m 5ft10 on the button and I have no issues lol

What to do with the old commode? I decided to save $5 in gas and not take it to the dump, instead I turned it into a lawn ornament/flower pot,

My Wife absolutely forbade me from putting this out on the front lawn ( I dunno why? I think it’s nice!), so to avoid her wrath, I placed it between the back deck and back step, so when you come to our house, this will be the first thing you will see before entering our house! Everyone who has been here gets a chuckle and tells me what a neat idea that is (like I need further encouragement)…you should see my plans for a home made hot tub, just need a fire pit a claw foot tub and a leaf blower!! ( bet ya dollars to donuts that my wife will absolutely positively and most assuredly refuse to let me build it ! )

So that’s enough of that, lets move on and Break the Law !

I’ve been reading a few Cancer blogs, following more than a dozen folks on twitter who are or have battled cancer, even donated to a couple who were raising money for alternative therapy for Cancer, specifically Cannabis oil.

Now I have been Googling the hell out of Cannabis oil for cancer treatment, been researching the good reports and the bad reports, the medical and otherwise and have concluded that hey, it is a natural product, it certainly can NOT hurt a person, and maybe it might help my wife in some way, cure her? I don’t know, ease her pain? most definitely yes, side effects? a calm relaxed happy feeling, a serious case of the munchies, and sleepiness … I can live with that!, she deserves to be calm and happy, she needs to gain a few pounds anyway and she does need a good sleep!

Now I’ve looked for places locally where I might acquire some of this oil legally, but there is nothing anywhere in Saskatchewan to be found, so I looked on ebay, I actually found a steady supply from Germany, however I don’t know the producer and have no idea how pure, concentrated it is or if it’s spiked with anything, or even if the product is what the seller claims it is! That’s a lot of $$ to gamble , not to mention how far up shit creek I’d be if Customs or Canada Post ever opened the package, so I have come up with a safer more practical idea that will get me all the Cannabis oil I could ever want for my wife, a nice steady safe supply.

We own a nice size chunk of land here, we have quite a few trees and shrubs in and around the property, we also have a few old buildings and best of all no one ever tresspasses on our property, I can acquire a hand full of seeds and quietly plant a couple here and there on our land out back and just leave it to nature to let them grow, I figure I could probably grow around 10 plants at a time maybe a couple more, but not together like drug dealers or grow ops do, just space them out randomly , a couple here, a couple there, a couple over yonder.

I must confess I do have a colorful past and this is not exactly new to me, many many years ago while living in Calgary, a friend and I stumbled across the very spot where the city police buried all the pot plants from all the grow ops they raided….. needless to say we hauled out over 100 lbs out , and that is where I learned to make oil from the plant.

Now fast forward to the present time, my idea is this, I will grow my own supply for my wife, I will cook it down to the Cannabis oil , and go to multiple drug stores and shopping centers and buy your basic over the counter pain medicine (aspirin,tylenol, etc) in capsule form, empty the capsules of the medication and refill the capsules with Cannabis oil! I won’t be selling or distributing any of it, so if I do get busted it is a simple possession charge , a slap on the hand here in Canada) and I’d lawyer up and make a medical case out of it , end result is any charges getting dropped.

That’s my plan, and I am going to make it happen, in the long run it’s well worth the risk and it’s cheaper than buying it from people I don’t know,and this way I have total control of the quality (meaning it won’t be spiked with anything ) just pure 100% Cannabis oil.

I will do absolutely anything for my wife, and if it means breaking the law to provide her with a medicine that may help her, then yes without hesitation that is exactly what I will do.



Guess that’s all for now, remember to express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others, Peace

Butch
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Then and now just thoughts on life

I have been reading a few blogs, actually many blogs from around the world, it really hits home when I read that LGBTQ folks in places outside Canada do not have the same rights and freedoms that I now take for granted.
We didn’t always have equality here, back in the 1980’s and early 1990’s I was there marching along side everyone else striving for equality and justice for all regardless of sexual orientation or gender.

It truly saddens me when I read of other countries that deny basic human rights and freedoms to LGBTQ folks, it saddens me even more when they use Religion as an excuse to discriminate against others, they can hide behind their Bibles, but it is just a front for Homophobia.

All this makes me glad to be a Canadian, my generation and those before me do know and understand the fight it took to get us to where we are at now, sadly the younger generations have no idea about their history, ask any youngun about Stone Wall and most will gaze back at you blankly (yes even up in Canada we know about Stone Wall)

So anyway our collective histories from around the globe, those who still struggle and fight for equality and those who are blessed to have found their equality kind of made me start thinking of my life, not just the distant past , but currently and a wee bit into the future, it got me thinking about how I view others and how we are viewed, about how we live our lives now.

Back in the day when I was still fighting for my rights and wanting to be treated as an equal to everyone else, I was “out and proud” I mean I pretty much advertised my sexuality, I showed disdain for anyone who objected to me being queer, I owned the word queer and every time someone yelled Queer at me , I’d yell Damn Right and Proud right back, I made no bones about it at work either, personally I think my employers were both amused and frightened of me hahaha

Now I am here , 2014, I have my rights freedoms and equality, I am legally married to the woman of my dreams, together we are raising a kid, and really my life has become for the lack of a better term…. normal!
My life and family quite literally mirror your average heterosexual family and I am not sure if I should be happy about that or worried? I mean I and millions of others got exactly what we fought for…. equality, now what?

I mean 10 to 15 years ago I took nothing for granted and I always stood out from the crowds, now I blend in and pretty much take everything in life for granted, I live in a country where being anything other than heterosexual is considered perfectly normal, we are your typical family next door and people in this village of 500 folks treat us as such, I wonder if they would have done the same oh let’s say 20 years ago?

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the country I live in , but I wonder is this it? all that fighting and protesting and educating for this? what was I expecting? I got exactly what I wanted and still wonder …is this it?

My fight is pretty much over, I fit in now and have all my human rights and equality, however that doesn’t mean I can stop being active and grow complacent, the LGB folks may have won, but the Trans gendered folks haven’t yet won, are we as a society just going to leave these folks to fight on their own? or are we all willing to take a stand and fight for EVERYONE, no person left behind.

The suicide attempts and successes are among the highest in the Trans gendered community, a staggering 46% will attempt to end their lives, and even if just one succeeds, that’s too many, everyone straight and gay, feminist or not must rally and come together to help the Transgendered community gain their rights and freedoms.
if we sit back and do nothing to help, we are then by our very nature no better than those who objectify and oppress the Transgendered community.

for those of you who now take your rights and freedoms for granted, don’t ever forget your roots, and do not allow the trans gendered to be oppressed, we are all one , united we stand and united we fall , just think about it sometime, your actions and words may just mean the difference between life and death for someone else, like wise, your inaction may have dire consequences for someone.

I’ll step off my soap box now, I didn’t mean to have the blog post turn out the way it did, it started off as a simple way back when and now post , then sort of took on a life of it’s own.

Remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted and be kind to others

Butch
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