My Wife our Son Cancer raw honest thoughts and feelings coping

My wife had a rough night last night, she didn’t sleep well and was feeling pressure on her chest and had to use her oxygen all night, I am worried that the cancer is acting up again. Right now I have her upstairs resting on her oxygen, I check on her every hour to make sure all is well, she is sleeping soundly, I said I would wake her up around noon, but I think I am just going to let her sleep until 2 or 3 pm.

To be perfectly honest…. I am worried and a bit scared, if the cancer is acting up it means many more trips to the hospital and the risk of losing her greatly increases yet again, I am not ready to lose my wife, I am not ready to be a single “Dad”/parent (our son calls me Dad) , I am not ready to explain to a 13 year old boy that God needed his Mom in Heaven, I am not ready to bury her, I am just not ready period.

For the last 2 months my wife has been doing very well, she has been off chemo and living a relatively normal life, though her social life took a big hit, her immune system is so severely compromised that we have had to avoid large crowds and limit who can come over to our house, if you have a cold or flu or any sort of contagious illness then you can’t come in our house, the littlest thing can be fatal to my wife.

For the last 2 months I have once again been able to work a couple hours per night (at a friends bar) and one full day every week (cleaning the local church), the extra work is my escape, for a couple hours at least I don’t have to stare death in the face everytime I look my wife in the eye, her eyes have lost their sparkle and are rather dull, I don’t have to think about cancer or what it’s done to my family, to my wife, it’s an insidious disease, it doesn’t just have an effect on the person who has it, it affects everyone involved with that person, it is always there, relentlessly chipping away at everyones faith and strength.

I look after my wife and family as best as I can, I make sure she wants for nothing, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure her oxygen machine is clean and working properly, make sure she has enough portable tanks for when we have to go somewhere, make sure she eats, make sure she eats healthy, constantly point out the positives in her life and keep telling her just how beautiful and strong she is and letting her know just how much she is loved.

I spend as much time with our son as possible too, and always tell him just how very proud of him I am,that his Mother is also very proud of him, we work on his homework together, he helps me in my shop, and we divvy up the house chores and both do our best, I encourage him to go out and be with his friends, and we play video games together, during the summer we help each other with our work, I am so very proud of him, this last summer our son pretty much ran my entire business on his own while I was away at the hospital with my wife, he did a very good job, I am still getting letters from people saying how impressed they are with our son, they had serious doubts that a 13 year old could do the job, but he proved to them that he could and he was very knowledgeable about the equipment and work, it makes my heart sore with pride when I get a letter like that, that’s our boy! that’s my boy! I shed tears of happiness and joy knowing that I can count on our son when the chips are down.

I also worry about our son, no 13 year old should have to work that hard, no 13 year old should be faced with the fact that their Mother is at some point going to pass on, no 13 year old should be have to be living on borrowed time with their family, no 13 year old should have to grow up that damn fast,

2013 our son was just a little boy fighting for his own life with a brain tumor that was hell bent on killing him, he thankfully recovered from his surgery and thankfully they got ALL of the tumor, then in 2014 our little boy became a MAN , he set aside his own recovery and difficulties and stepped up to the plate and took over my business , and ran it like a professional, he took care of his Family when I could not, he not only worked his ass off managing my yard maintenance business, he worked his ass off at home too, he got a crash course in cooking as he often had to make his own suppers, he got a crash course in house cleaning so his Mother could sleep and recover from her Cancer treatments, he grew up too damn fast and is now forever changed, he will never be our little boy again, he is now our young man, he goes to school, hangs with his friends, but always phones home and asks if we need him for anything and to see how his Mom is doing.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face writing this blog entry, Tears of pride for my son, tears of gratefulness for everyone who rallied behind my little family, not once but twice,tears of sorrow because I fear time once again is beginning to grow short with my wife, tears of frustration because I feel I haven’t done enough, and I really don’t have a clue what else to do for my wife,tears of rage , I am so angry, so very angry that my wife is stricken with Lung Cancer, she has never smoked a day in her life, she is such a beautiful person and doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves this,but least of all her.

When I leave my little blurb at the bottom of my blog express your love often – I mean express your love to those around you, your friends,your family,your partner, your children, I say this always to remind you not to take them for granted that they will always be there with you, let them know how much you love them each day because you never know when they will be taken from you, let them know they are truly loved so they can go peacefully.

when i write never take tomorrow for granted- I mean simply that sometimes tomorrow never comes so embrace each day and live it to your fullest as though it was your last.

when I write be kind to others – I mean friends and strangers alike, rich or poor, we each are hurting, suffering,going through our own hell, a simple smile, an act of kindness towards others can make a world of difference to the recipient of your gesture,unless told we don’t know what is going on in another persons life, sometimes a simple smile an act of acknowledgement an act of kindness means the difference between life and death…literally.

I am not a wise person,I am nobody special, just another human being trying to survive in this world and do the best I can with what I have, I try not to hurt others or myself, I try to do the best I can for my family and friends, sometimes it’s not enough, it’s not enough, but I just keep trying, I try to do my best each day and live my life to the best of my ability, when I do that those around me benefit as well, I keep a weathered eye on the horizon searching out the positives in a negative world, despite my families struggle and strife with Cancer there are positives from it, for it has brought us all closer, it has tested our mettle, it has made me stronger, it has humbled me, it brought me closer to my god, it has drawn me closer to my little family and has made me cherish each day that we have together, I know we are on borrowed time, I am not foolish enough to think my wife is going to be miraculously cured, it has taught me how to suffer in silence and grace, it has taught me how to set an example for our son and others by never giving up.

I am going to stop here and go check on my wife, so you all know the drill :express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
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Ketchup or Catch up

Sorry for being away for so long but as you all know our 11 year old son “Hammy” was diagnosed with a brain tumour November 5th 2012, and had surgery to remove it January 7th 2013, he is recovering nicely, to look and talk to him you would never know that he had recently under gone major surgery, the only effect left from the surgery is the fact that he is partially blind in his right eye. Its his peripheral vision that is affected at the moment, he is in therapy for that and his surgeon says that his vision should improve if not return.

To say things have been chaotic and frantic around here the last few months would be a drastic under statement to say the least. Things like getting wifi or wireless internet out here have been put on the back burner and had fallen into the “things that are not important category” as has repairing the car and van, repairing the house etc, but as the days go by I am slowly catching up on the not important file and getting things done such as home repairs, acquiring a reliable vehicle, getting internet access, catching up on bills etc.

Yesterday I borrowed a friends car and took our son to the city of Regina for a day out together, we went on a small shopping spree , he had saved up enough money to buy a couple games for his PS3, he wanted Black Ops 2 but E-B Games was sold out of that, so he bought himself Modern Warfare 3 and Battle Ship, we forgot to buy a keyboard for my Wifes PC and a battery for her DS thing, ah well next week. We also went to Visions (major electronics store) and I bought a wireless internet stick through Bell and a router so we can run more than 1 computer at the same time online, not that there will be more than 1 online often.

I also went and looked at another car , a 1998 Chevrolet , it only has 78,000kms ( about 60,000 miles) on the motor, the guy wants $1500, I didnt buy it yet, but have been emailing back and forth finding out why he wants to sell it.

I will get my trusty red DORF repaired, its the exhaust manifold that cracked, I have the new one and the gaskets for it but more or less have to wait for spring to install it as it has been minus 45C ( minus 49 F ) just a tad too dang cold to be working on a motor. So the plan is buy another car, repair the red DORF and use it as a spare car.

We have 6+ feet of snow on the ground, and the snow banks that make up the wind rows are almost 12+ feet high, some of the snow drifts in are yard are in excess of 8 feet, it has been a cold snowy winter and when spring arrives the village of Pense is going to flood for sure, I know that our property will be under at least 2 feet of water for sure, thats okay though, I am ready for that, I have spent the winter shovelling a 4 foot path around the house and have a couple sump pumps on stand by, no water will get in the house or the crawl space, the house itself is perched on a foundation that lifts the house a good 4 feet off the ground, the crawl space itself is all concrete and sand, even if water breached the foundation walls, there is nothing in the crawl space that could be harmed, there is no electrical wires there, no furnace, just plumbing and sewer pipes. All I would do is simply pump it out then spread lye across the sandy floor to prevent any mildew or smells, open the outside access doors, put a screen and chicken wire across the opening and let it air out all summer, be good as new when done.

The Sundown Optimist Club of Regina is having its 33rd annual classic car draw, this year they are raffling off a 1968 Ford Mustang, so I bought 50 of them, the money goes to support youth programs so I figured it was money well spent, I dont have a snow balls chance in hell of actually winning the car, my chances are 20 in 46,000 , but hey thats alright. Last year I entered for a 1974 Corvette Stingray ...didnt win that one either lol its like the lottery, I never win but play each week, cant win if you dont have a ticket, its more of a waste of money but its only $6 per week. Chances are slim to non that I will ever hit the jackpots, but through the years I have won $50 here and $1500 there and loads of free tickets but never the “big one” I just play for the fun of it and never expect to win, if I win something , even a free ticket, then bonus, if not, oh well nothing ventured nothing gained play again. I enter pretty much every draw that the village of Pense rec board hosts, and have won various things, from candles to custom pedal bikes and a small sculpture from local artist Joe FaFar.

Well guess thats about all for now , yall have a good day

Butch


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Updates on our Son

Our 11 year old son Hammy was diagnosed with a brain tumor back in Novemeber 5th of 2012, fast forward to January 2013 and he is being admitted to the Regina General Hospital for brain surgery to remove the tumor, the bright side of this is that the tumor is NOT cancer, the down side is it is pressing up against his optic nerve causing occasional vision loss in his right eye and causing him to have seizures. January 7th is the surgery date.

Not much left to say at this point except thank you for the prayers and thoughts, we are praying daily that he comes through this and makes a speedy recovery.

guess thats it for now

Butch
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Our son is on the mend

Our son had surgery to remove the brain tumor Monday January 7th, I excluded photos of him in the ICU and all the tubes wires and machinery, instead I posted one of the back of his head 5 days after surgery, as you can see he is healing very well, and is due to be released from the hospital Monday January 14th ! he is up and about and happy, the only side effect from the surgery is his lack of balance and he is partially blind in his right eye.

The Dr. says that his balance and vision should come back over time, and will be sending him to the Wascana Rehabilitation Center for physio, all is well and getting better every day! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they helped carry our son and our family through this difficult time.

Guess thats about it for now, Take care and God Bless

Butch
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