17th anniversary wow its been a long while!

Well its getting to be that time of year again, anniversary time! This February 14th will mark my wifes and Is 17th year anniversary! or as I jokingly tell my friends, Im coming up on 17 years into a life sentence!! LOL (relax its a joke. I truly love my wife)

The thing is, it doesnt seem like 17 years, seems just like yesterday that I met and fell instantly in love, actually if you want to get into the timeline of love at first sight, then a whole lot more years are involved because I first saw her when she was just 15 years old, I still remember that day, she lived on the outskirts of Calgary, Alberta with her parents, she was gardening in the flower bed just off to the left of her houses doorway, she didnt see me. I was 23 at the time, parked at the end of her driveway with a friend, the road was a dead end except for the driveway, we were parked there talking about our plans for the future, my friend met a woman online who lived in Vancouver and was telling me all about her and her plans to go there to meet her in person, I kept turning my attention to the young lady gardening, her back was to me, but I was drawn to her for reasons I still cant explain, my friend in the car with me asked me what it was I saw myself doing in the future, at that very moment the girl who was gardening stood up and turned to look at who was parked at the end of her drive, let me tell you that then and there my heart skipped a beat, I got tears in my eyes and couldnt tear my eyes off her, without thought or reason I blurted out " Im going to marry that girl right there, thats what I am gonna do"! my friend in the car was surprised then laughed at my statement, the girl in the flower garden shrugged and walked into the house (of course she didnt hear me, nor do I think she really saw me)

Hell even I was shocked at what I had just said!, anyway my friend went to Vancouver and I stayed in Calgary, 7 years later I ran an ad in the local newspaper wanting a room mate, male or female, didnt care as long as they worked cleaned up their messes and didnt steal my shit, I got a knock on the door, I opened it and nearly passed out... there she was! there stood the girl who I only saw once before, and guessed her to be 15 at the time, there she was at the age of 22 standing in my living room asking if the room was still for rent!! I was struck dumb and could not stop stuttering, the most beautiful woman on the planet, the one I swore I would marry answered my ad!

You bet your ass I rented the room to her, I was crazy in love, not just the kind of love you get in your heart or mind but that rare love that makes your soul scream thats your soul mate kinda love!

At this point youd think I was a smooth operator but youd be dead wrong, I was so shy and scared to say or do the wrong thing around her that I really struggled to even maintain a friendship with her, it was she who put the moves on me, you would think dirty dancing and grinding on my leg would be a hint that maybe it was okay to put a move or two on her....but nope, as I said I was struck dumb, I knew she was my soul mate but had no idea of how to go about sealing the deal, my groove thing got up and left and left me stranded, I didnt even know her sexuality... she cured me of my stupidity right quick when she grabbed me and planted a big deep kiss right smack on my lips and whispered I feel the same way.... OMG!! my heart damn near stopped, my ears were pounding with the sound of blood roaring through my veins, I just cried non stop as I kissed her back and held her tight, in her arms I felt complete for the first time in my life.

we got married a year later, February 14 1997, we used a JP and skipped the church, her parents absolutely hated me, I corrupted their daughter, (didnt like the fact she married same sex) my family? couldnt give a shit as long as I was happy, my family are scattered across Canada so none were present either, was just her and I and a few friends and a JP.

Ill get into just how exactly our son was born in a later post, so fast forward 17 years and here we are, and I will tell you not a day goes by that I dont thank God for letting me find and be with my soul mate, not a day goes by that I dont wake up and fall in love with her all over again,not a day goes by do I not say thank you to her for being herself, for loving me, for trusting me with her heart, above all not a day goes by that I would dare take her for granted, I am well aware of the fact that she is absolutely beautiful, not just physically but spiritually and emotionally as well, I am aware that she could have almost anyone be they male or female or somewhere inbetween that she wanted, and out of the 7 billion possible mates on this planet, she chose me!! she CHOSE ME!! I am so very grateful and humbled by that fact. Not a day has gone by nor will go by that I dont profess my love for her both to her and the world and to God.

Thats all I have to say for now

Butch

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Updates on our Son

Our 11 year old son Hammy was diagnosed with a brain tumor back in Novemeber 5th of 2012, fast forward to January 2013 and he is being admitted to the Regina General Hospital for brain surgery to remove the tumor, the bright side of this is that the tumor is NOT cancer, the down side is it is pressing up against his optic nerve causing occasional vision loss in his right eye and causing him to have seizures. January 7th is the surgery date.

Not much left to say at this point except thank you for the prayers and thoughts, we are praying daily that he comes through this and makes a speedy recovery.

guess thats it for now

Butch
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Its been a rough month

Sorry once again I have been absent from the web, and not keeping my Blog updated as often as I would like.

Its been a very rough month for my family and I, usually I am upbeat and often seem like I have the world by the tail, well I dont always have it by the tail, sometimes life turns on me and bares its sharp teeth to remind me that Life is short, precious, and should never be taken for granted. (as I often do)

November 5th 2012 our 11 year old son "Hammy" was hit in the head with a basket ball while at school (accident), he went into convulsions and had 2 very serious seizures, by the time I arrived at the school the Ambulance had been called.

Our son was so out of it due to the seizures he didnt know where he was, what had happened, or who I was, Ive never felt so helpless in my life! Panic stricken< I fallowed the ambulance to Regina and met my wife at the hospital.

They rushed him into emergency and pumped oxygen and fluids into him, once he was stable they rushed him in for 2 CT scans, the first one didnt show anything out of the ordinary so they shot dye into him and the second scan showed a 3 centimeter tumor at the back of his brain.

My entire world blew apart at that moment, I am Dad the fixer, I solve and fix all the problems in our little family, and I cant fix this, I have never felt so useless and empty as when the doctors broke the news to my wife and I.

They kept our son over night and ran a battery of tests on him, they shot him with morphine twice , once for the severe head aches and once for the soreness and stiffness of his muscles from the seizures.

They let him come home and we kept him home from school for the week, I am happy to say that so far he is doing well, he goes to school but cant participate in sports and is temporarily out of his beloved Judo as we cant risk another knock to the head.

December 11 he has appointments for a MRI and EEG, then on December 17th we find out the results, as of right now we dont know if the tumor is benign or cancer or what it is, the waiting game is very hard on my Wife and I, December 17th the Doctors will decide whether they are going in to remove it or if there is other treatments or if they will leave it.

The positive side is Hammy hasnt had any more seizures , and other than being tired a lot , he seems healthy and strong, it has also brought us closer as a family, not a day goes by that I dont hug and kiss our son and let him know that I love him very dearly . I would willingly give my life if it meant he would be okay, and yes, I know just how cliche that sounds, but it is true, he is our only child, and my Wife and I would do absolutely anything for him.

Anyway I will keep updating as we know more, and to vent etc. Prayers for our son (Jerreth) are most welcome, Thank you .

well thats about it for today, take care folks and remember, please dont take life for granted, tell youre friends and family just how much you love them, tomorrow could be too late .

Butch
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Cancer its devastating effects on loved ones

My wife has stage 4 lung cancer and it has spread to her lymph nodes and I fear beyond as she has great difficulty swallowing liquids, she can swallow solid food but has to use a teaspoon to sip water,juice,milk,etc.

Watching my wife go through this is beyond heart breaking, I have no words to accurately describe just exactly what I am feeling, heart broken, scared, worried,numb all of that and a million more emotions that I can not describe.

Our son "Hammy" is just 12 years old, he is going through his own emotional hell, he is very angry at God, he is scared, angry, heart broken, panic stricken, he has always been his Mommas boy and the thought of losing her is killing him.

"Hammy" and I do our best to do all the house chores, look after her, fulfill her every wish,want,and need, our day begins around 6 am and usually ends around 11 pm , "Hammy" and I are both very stressed, "Hammy" has a school counselor he can talk to twice per week and his youth counselor in the city that he sees twice per month, it does help him some but no amount of talking or therapy can ease the pain he feels.

I do not have anyone to talk to at this point, I just dont have the time, between caring for my wife and making sure our son doesnt come unglued, yes I have friends, but it is a hell of a burden to put on them if I start talking about it with them, and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would make them feel, so I try to cope by posting on this blog, I realize that this venue can not express the emotional hell I am in, but it does give me the chance to really think as I type, so in a sense anyone who reads this blog doubles as my therapist, at least my thoughts are out there in cyber space for anyone to read, I strangely find some small comfort in that.

I have subscribed to a couple Cancer blogs , to learn how others cope and deal with this nasty disease, there is always Hope right? writing is a form of therapy for me I guess, at the moment I have no more tears, I have cried them all out, I have been taking care of the nasty bits in life, setting aside money for her funeral if and when that day comes, making sure her living will is in order, making sure that the details are all taken care of, its a struggle at times, Ive gone so far as to refinance the land we purchased together to make the payments easier to handle alone.

anyway thats about all I have to say right now, except please give those you love an extra hug, express your love often to each other(s) , and spend more time in each others company.

Butch
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Cancer Biopsy its really bad

it is with a heavy heart that I write this blog entry.

Thursday we got the results of my Darling wifes biopsy, its bad, really bad, she has stage 4 lung cancer and it is really aggressive, it has spread to her lymph nodes.
The doctors say they cant operate and theyre not sure chemo would help at all, they gave my Love, my soul mate, my best friend,my wife 6 months to a year at most.

I try to be strong for her as we have a 12 year old son , I had to have the hardest talk ever with him and tell him just how bad this is and that his Mother may be in heaven soon, he is so messed up right now, I am so messed up for I am losing the only woman who I have ever truly loved and theres not a god damned thing I can do about it.

I have concluded that either there is NO God or if there is he is extremely heartless and cruel! my prayers go unanswered, I dont really know what else to say at this point, I will keep this blog going and update as things happen, it will probably get very dark for awhile.

guess thats it for now

you all take care, and hold your loved ones tight and be thankful for the time you have with them

Butch

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