The House just isn’t a Home when my Wife is absent

Today is the day we (my wife & I) were dreading, Chemo day, my Wife gets upset and cries when ever she has to go in for chemo, partly because it makes her so sick (ironic since it is also what’s keeping her alive) and partly because for the next 3 or 4 days she will be separated from her Family (Hammy and I) as well as her beloved pets ,Sabre (Cat) , Tippy (Cat) , Teddy Bearz (Cat) and Peepster (Cat) and of course Memphis (Big Doofy Dog), and the fact she will be away from her home.

It breaks my heart to see her cry, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to ease her physical pain or emotional turmoil, I comfort her as best as I can and try to remain positive and strong for her, outwardly I am an emotional rock, but inside I’m dying a thousand deaths knowing my wife suffers so much from Cancer, I want to scream and shout and punch something, anything just to be able to unload the heart ache I feel, knowing that the chemo , at best, is buying my wife a few extra months of life here on earth with us, always praying for a miracle , while also praying that she passes quickly in her sleep so the hurt and pain she feels will cease.

It’s hard on me to see her suffer, to see her struggle to get better so she can see her son graduate, get married, have kids etc. It kills me to know that I can’t fix this, for 17 years with her I have had all the answers, fixed all her problems,stood at her side lovingly through hell and back and through heavenly times too. Now I am at her side to the bitter end, with nothing but pure love and gratefulness, I am so very grateful that she chose to be in my life for the last 17 years, I wish and pray she could be in my life 17 more, but I know that ,that can never happen, a very huge part of me is dying inside.

Yesterday she told me that when she passes, she would want for me to find a companion or at the very least a friend, I told her I could never ever do that, she is my soul mate, I could never find that sort of love and happiness again, no I will remain single, raise our boy to be a fine man,and grow old with my memories of her.

Tonight the house just isn’t a home without my wife here, the atmosphere is different and time passes so slowly, I have to come home every evening because of our boy Hammy, even he notices the subtle changes in the house when she is not here, even the animals notice and react different than usual when she isn’t here.

With that I will say good night, I have opened up as much as I want to do for now, …Remember to express your love often, and never take tomorrow for granted. Peace be with you all

Butch



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