here comes a rough day of celebrations…

I usually don’t post this early in the day, but this has been weighing heavy on my mind the last couple days, Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and it’s going to be a rough day for my little Hammy :( he is already feeling it as the school is gearing up for that special day with arts and crafts classes devoted to making all the Mom’s tacky cards and artwork, he comes home “off” not upset, but sad, he is missing his Mom pretty bad right now, like me he is happy for his friends who get to make cards and art to give to their Mom’s , he feels like the outcast right now, and it is socially awkward for his friends too, to be excited for Mothers Day around him. He just smiles and tells them it’s okay, be Happy that you have a Mom to love and give cards and presents too, while inside a piece of him is dying.

It is absolutely killing me to know that my boy is hurting so much, he tries to be brave, he tries to keep his smile and be happy around me as he knows I am still hurting bad as well, I hear him at night in his room crying quietly and my heart is breaking for him.

I have arranged for Hammy to attend a Bereavement Camp this coming weekend so he can be around other kids and teens who have lost one or both of their parents, so Hammy will know he is not alone in his loss, and he will have peers around him who get it, who know what he is going through, who understand what it’s like to lose a parent. it is my gift to him.

it will be rough on me as well, we always made such a big event of Mothers Day, Hammy and I would try to grant her every wish, we would have her do as she pleased while we cooked and cleaned and did her bidding, there was cake, always a black forest cake, her favorite, a big hearty meal was always made for her, and we gave her gifts, cards and flowers, we constantly reminded her that we Loved her and appreciated everything she done for us, and told her stories of our choicest favorite Mommy moments that we witnessed her have, I always thanked her for letting me be a parent, to Hammy and I she was the worlds greatest Mother, because of her just being who she was and such a kind hearted loving person, we strive’d everyday to be our absolute best for her, to be a family that she was proud of, to be the family she wanted.

Now… there is no celebrations, no cakes, no big meal, no gifts, no more stories, just a dinner for 2 with a table set for 3 , her seat sits empty now, there is always a plate set for her now, and on that plate sits a purple candle and 2 roses, 1 red rose from me, and 1 white rose from Hammy, the candle gets lit in Remembrance of her , to let her know that we still deeply Love her, to let her know that she is so desperately Missed, to let her know that we will Never forget her, to let her know she had such a great impact and influence in our lives , we are forever grateful to her.

This weekend I will be alone while Hammy is at the camp, I need alone time, just to decompress and be alone with my thoughts, to brace myself for Sunday and Mother’s Day, I will be doing a lot of talking to my God , it may sound silly to some to believe in an invisible being in the sky, but my faith comforts me, and I really NEED to believe that there is a Heaven, and I really NEED to believe my wife lives on there, and I NEED to believe and have Faith that one day her and I will be together again , it makes living much more bearable, and makes the pain and heartache I feel just a little bit more tolerable.

Guess that’s all I have to say for now, So Remember Folks:express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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