Her left leg has been really bothering her, the most likely cause is fluid build up (there is a medical term for this, and it is quite common, but since I am writing this offline, I can’t look it up),anyway her leg has been bothering her for almost 2 weeks, I did take her to the Doctor and he gave her a couple Cortisone needles with anaesthetics in her leg, it helped her a little bit and on Tuesday she goes for an ex-ray on her leg, just to be sure it is not cancer.
As for her Lung Cancer, so far it is not bothering her, she still mostly just uses her oxygen at night while sleeping, she rests a lot during the day but says her lungs are not hurting and she has no shortness of breath. She has been off Chemo for 5 months now and seems to be doing well, her CT-Scan happens February 4th , we should know the results by the 6th the latest, I am praying that it hasn’t spread further and hope that the Holistic treatments are working to shrink the tumors.
She has remained in good spirits, which is important, she is a strong willed woman who won’t give up, I am pretty sure the main reason she pulled through when the Doctors said notify the family is quite simply her Son “Hammy” , he is her entire world, she was born to be a Mom and a great Mother she is, she loves him more than life itself and that is what I believe keeps her going.
Yes I am sure she loves me as well, but it’s not the same, nor could it ever be, the Bond between a Mother and child is extremely strong and endures through time, and that bonded love is very different than the love and bonds of a spouse/partner, just as I love her and our Son on different levels, it can never be the same, but despite that difference, I’d do absolutely anything for both of them without question.
I’d do anything to have my Wife live to grow old with me, to be there when our son graduates, to be there when he becomes a Cop, to be there at his wedding, to be there to see our future grand children and to help me spoil them rotten, I’d give my very soul if it meant she lives to be old, as it is, none of this will probably come to fruition with her at my side so all I can do is cherish each day that I have with her, to constantly let her know that I LOVE her and will be okay and that I can raise our son to be the man she always dreamed he’d be, all I can do is be there in the here and now with her, there are no more future plans together, it is all down to just one simple day at a time, and I’ll take that if it means she can be here at my side just a while longer.
February 14th will be our 18th Anniversary, I am quite confident that we BOTH will be here to celebrate that milestone together, this year I can’t afford much in the way of a lavish gift, but I do have my Great Grand Mother’s Ruby and Emerald ring, I am taking it to a Jeweler to see if maybe I can do a partial trade on a small diamond ring or maybe just maybe have it turned into a nice necklace for her, I wish I could do more for her but the damn furnace just took too much even on payments, it’s a formidable bill.
I will make her her absolute favorite dinner and our son has volunteered to be our waiter , he will help make the meal too, then her and I will have a candle light dinner after which I will get down on my knee , giver her the gift and 18 red roses and tell her EXACTLY how much I love her, how much she means to me, how happy she has made me all these years and let her know that I have no regrets.
I honestly don’t know how many more Anniversaries I will have with her so I cherish the one coming up now, that’s pretty much my reality now…. just one day at a time, make no plans for the future and hope and pray for the best, I don’t really like the uncertainty of one day at a time,but really….what choice do I really have?
The only regret I have is that Hammy has witnessed the pain and suffering Cancer has caused his Mother, that I couldn’t protect him from seeing his Mom at her lowest point, that last spring I had to sit down on the back steps with him and tell him that his Mother may not survive the night, that she may be called to God’s side in Heaven….. I pray for every person reading this, that none of you will ever have to have THAT talk with a child, it is a very gut wrenching soul searing hard thing to do, to look a child in the eyes and tell them that their Mother/Father/Parent may die. That conversation damned near killed me, but it had to be done, he had and still has the right to know the truth and the facts, to not tell him would be to lose his trust completely, to not tell him would be an outright lie even by omission, to not tell him could have made him resentful, it could and probably would have made him HATE for the first time in his life, and could have led to problems with drugs or alcohol. As hard as it was, I had that very conversation with him.
Like me, Our Son is aware of just how serious this could get, it has changed all our lives, not just my wife’s, Cancer is like that, it infects and permeates around and within everyone who is involved with the person who has the actual disease, it takes over everyone’s lives not just the Patient, all you can do is go on living your lives as best as you can knowing the Cancer is still there and probably always will be, you try and work around it but you can never truly avoid it, it’s always there, just silently watching and waiting, you try to remain positive and even ignore the cancer, still it’s in your worst nightmares,it’s in the eyes of your child when he sees his Mom is not feeling well, it’s inside your head as you change the oxygen tanks and help your wife clean herself, it’s always there, even on good days when your wife is happy and bright eyed and has energy to spare, a sudden coughing spell and the blood on her lips Snap you back to the stark reality of Cancer, like an insidious demon from hell it latches onto entire families and slowly, ever so slowly strangles the life out of everyone.
You beg and plead with your God not to take her away from you and the boy, you bargain you say and do anything to buy more time, just one more Day please please please, just one more day, you fall to your knees and beg for strength and mercy to carry on to be strong for your wife, to be strong for your son, you give false hope, not meaning to or wanting to, you tell her that it’s going to be okay, she just has to stay strong and fight the Cancer, that she can do this and that you will be there every step of the way fighting alongside her, you tell her no matter what happens that you will never give up turn away or stop loving her, you bare your very soul for God and the world to see, your heart is permanently tattooed on your shirt sleeve, you are exposed to mental and emotional pain, you weep when someone you don’t even know dies of cancer, you rejoice when someone you don’t even know survives, you spend hundreds of hours researching alternative medicines and therapies that you might try with your wife, you network like crazy searching out those who have fought or are fighting for their lives against this evil vile disease, you do this without ever being asked, you do it out of love and fear, the love you have and want to continue to have with your wife, the fear , the constant fear of losing your soul mate, losing the only woman you have ever truly loved, fear of becoming a single parent and having to pick up the shattered life of a young son and carry on. Through all this turmoil, you learn quickly to appreciate each day that you have as a complete family,you are grateful and thankful each morning that you wake up and she is there at your side, Tomorrows never come when your living with cancer,today is all that matters.
I’ll stop now sorry for the long post, thanks for your time, Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.
Butch.
easy wood projects to build
