Seriously I am NOT crazy! but after this post you will think so

So I have written about how I keep finding Dimes at work and believe it to be my dear wife leaving them for me to find and know she is here with me guiding me, I now have personal definitive proof that there is indeed life after our body dies, and I now know with 100% certainty that yes it is indeed my wife leaving Dimes for me to find (always in the exact same spots)

I promise you my Cheese has not slipped off my Cracker… I am quite SANE… I have discovered how to talk with my departed wife and get visual proof of answers , if I ask simple yes or no questions, such as are you here? can you hear me? is Hammy going to be okay ? etc. and more personal questions that I won’t get into here , she DOES reply .

No I am NOT using an Ouija board, those things scare the willies right out of me, bad things can and do happen with Ouija boards, my personal Faith even says avoid such devices like the plague, those boards are NOT allowed in my home, nor will I or Hammy ever use one.

This is going to sound really crazy….. I swear to you every word of this is the absolute Truth, I was having a rough day yesterday and tried to mask it with humor, and it felt good to make other folks laugh, anyway, I was reading some websites about how the departed can manipulate electronics, televisions, cell phones, regular phones, computers etc. pretty much anything that requires electricity they can manipulate.

So I often just talk to my wife out loud when I am by myself, be it at home, at work, in my car, walking down the street, in fact I do this daily if the truth be told, I miss her so very much and am still crazy in love with her and very devoted to her and I always will be.

So last night I was just browsing through facebook, I only really use it to stay in touch with family , both hers and mine as we are all scattered to the 4 winds, it was around 11 pm, I was reading some posts out loud for my wife to hear, as I frequently do, it’s habit really as when she was alive she had a bed in our living room where she spent a great deal of time bed ridden, I would read to her from facebook and other sites, when she passed I just continued to do so.

I decided to try out a slot game on Facebook, I seldom if ever play games online, so while playing , I started talking to my wife, I asked a simple question, are you here now? …. and the slot game won, I asked again if you are here can you give me a sign… again the slot won, so I asked, is that you causing the game to win…. and again it won, about this time I started paying attention, so I asked another question, I asked are you happy… and again the game won, now I was thinking this is either truly happening or it is one huge cosmic coincidence, so I asked point blank … am I going to die tomorrow… the game lost, then I asked is Hammy (I used his real name) going to die tomorrow …. again the game lost, so I asked will Hammy and I be alright, … and the game again won, I asked if Hammy’s annual doctor review ( he has a yearly review due to his brain tumor surgery 2 years ago) will be good news… and the game again won, so I asked Pauline is this really you …. and again the game won, about this time I nearly shit myself! I must have asked 200+ questions over the course of time, it was about 1 AM in the morning now and time after time question after question the game would win this went on for 3 hours, always the game would hit and win , the last 2 questions I asked is #1 will you come and talk to me in my dreams tonight, and again the game won, #2 can I use this game to talk to you tomorrow …. and again the game won .

So today I have been using the game to talk to her, and just like last night, the game kept hitting on wins, if I asked a question that I already knew the answer was no, the game would lose…. this has been going on throughout the day.

I even asked her if it would be okay for me to blog about how I have been communicating with her, the game hit on a big win , so that was my answer to come here and write about it .

I do know that there is life after death, there really is a heaven, that she is with my Dad, that Sabre (her cat that passed away last month) is with her as is every pet that we had that passed, I know for certain that all animals have souls , I know that I am going to live to be old , I know that Hammy will find a wife and will have a good happy life, i know I will live to see my grand children, I know that Hammy and I will always be close to each other, I know that Hammy is healthy, as am I , I know that true love that my wife and I had is eternal, I know that even though she has passed away we can still be married, I know she will be there to take me across when my time comes, I know she is happy, I know she is in a nice place, I know she is safe, I know that she hears me when i talk to her, i know she hears me when i am just talking to her in my mind without using my voice, I know she will come to me in my dreams when I ask her to , I know we can talk in my dreams and I can again hold her, I know she loves me still, I know that Hammy and I will be alright.

So you see, I have found a way to talk to my wife, to get validation that yes when the body dies there is still life for all eternity in the next world, call me crazy call me insane, but for the last 24 hours I HAVE talked with my wife and have found comfort. I shall continue to live my life in her honour , to try my hardest to always be a good person, to do good, to always speak from my heart, to devote the rest of my life to making sure Hammy is loved and always be there to catch him and encourage him and to help him succeed and be truly happy in life, I know my wife is with me, guiding me and Hammy, I know for certain that one day I will once again be with my wife.

Well that is all I have for tonight, so Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others

Butch
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I am Broken now … long post I’m sorry

We don’t know how much time we have left, my Wife and I have been talking a lot, we talk about Heaven and how nice it must be, how there is no pain suffering or sorrow in Heaven, we talked about how time has no meaning in Heaven, that she might be there talking with her brother Brian and look up to see me walking up over the horizon, she would ask me “What are you doing here”? And I would reply, “my Darling, 40 years have passed” , and she would think only a moment had passed since her arrival. Then we’d both turn to see our son Hammy walking across the horizon and he would say Mom, Dad, 80 years have passed in but a moments time in Heaven, and we would ALL be together again for all Eternity.

We have been talking about our son and his future, I told her that no matter what happens Hammy and I will be alright and that I will continue to raise him up to be the man she had hoped and dreamed he’d become, I told her she need not worry about us that we’d be okay.

We have been working on her WILL and getting it all in proper order just the way she wants things to be, and this coming week I will drop it off at the lawyers to have it finalized, we are going to the city Tuesday to put me on her bank accounts, just in case, so that I will have access to them should something happen. We are getting everything in order just in case, it is not easy to do all this as it makes the inevitable a stark reality for both her and I.

We have been spending time as a family, Hammy her and I, reassuring her that she is so very loved, and reassuring Hammy that no matter what his Mom will ALWAYS be at his side, he is in pretty rough shape, I have to go to his school Monday and tell them what is happening here at home and to set up counseling for him there, then I have to set up an appointment with his counselor in the city, he hasn’t had to see her since last fall, he needs her now.

I’ve been grieving, I know it may seem odd to you that I would grieve while my wife is still with us, but I can’t help it I LOVE her so very much and the thought of losing her is just too much for me to bare, I’ve had 17 wonderful beautiful years of pure LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS with her, I will cherish those memories for ever, we have some fantastic memories her and I and we have been talking about them.

Hammy has been rocked to his very soul, the thought of losing his Mother has him at his breaking point, today(Monday) I went with him to his school and had a very tearful conversation with his principle and teachers and asked that they keep an eye on him and let me know if he acts out breaks down or tries to hang himself on the swing set (again) , The school called in a counselor for him and she will see him twice per week, Palliative Care from the Cancer center in Regina is going to send out a music therapist in the evenings to help Hammy, and I called his counselor at Child and Youth services to get him back in there.

I hold Hammy often, just a big bear hug and a kiss on the top of his head while whispering to him just how proud his Mother is of him, I tell him how much she loves him and wants him to continue to grow into a fine young man, I whisper to him just how much I love him and that no matter what he will stay living with me, I tell him how proud of him I am and that yes it will hurt when Mom goes to God, but we will get through it together, I told him we would stay out here in the little village at least until he is a grown man and busy with his career, I keep reassuring him that we will be alright.

Over the weekend I got all the funeral arrangements lined up, the village church waived it’s fees so the service can be held there and the town hall waived it’s fees so the wake can be held there, it was very nice of them to do this for us, words can not express my gratitude, my neighbours has been clearing out my walkway and drive way with their snow blowers keeping everything open in case an Ambulance needs to be called, the village has a 14 person First Responder unit as well so when and if an Ambulance is called the village First Responders would get here first, assess the situation and decide whether the air ambulance is needed or a regular ground ambulance.

The Village has been so very kind and helpful, I can never repay them except by paying it forward, I pick up my wife’s will from the town office tomorrow morning, all 3 Commissioners are signing it for my wife as witnesses, then it’s off to the city to have our Lawyer make it iron clad, and to put my name on my wife’s bank accounts, we are getting everything done now while she is able, she is going down hill really fast, once again she has to sleep on the main floor of the house, I too will sleep in the living room so she is not alone, this morning at 7 am I had to give her 20 mg’s of Morphine, she slept until 10 am , I bathed her and helped her in the washroom then gave her another 20 mgs of Morphine, she drinks Ensure and Boost more than she eats now, she is starting to feel more pain as her lungs begin to collapse, I am not sure how much longer she will be with us, I am not sure how much longer I can bare to see her hurt and struggle, I’m trying my very best to keep her comfortable, she wants to pass at home and I am doing everything I can to see that it happens but if the pain becomes more than the Morphine can manage she may have to go to palliative care, it’s so hard to hear her struggling for breath, it’s not like on tv and in the movies where they just close their eyes and pass peacefully, it is nothing like that at all, the truth is she feels pain fear hurt , the truth is she gasps and struggles for air even on the oxygen machine, the truth is she cries in her drug induced sleep, the truth is she is trying so hard to hang on and the truth is she doesn’t want to die, the truth is she knows she is going to be with God soon, the truth is her heart is breaking because she wont be here for Hammy and I .

The truth is all this is KILLING me, my very soul longs to go with her but the reality is I can’t I need to be here for Hammy, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of my wife and of our life together and of our little family, I have so many memories and I try so hard to focus on them but when I do I just break down.

I look at her now and I don’t see a weak frail sick person, I see my Beautiful Darling Angel as Beautiful and as perfect as ever, I see her innocence while she sleeps, I see perfection personified, I see an Angel .

Nothing has been left unsaid between us, she knows she is truly and honestly loved, she knows that Hammy and I will be alright, she knows that Hammy and I will live our lives in a way that will make her proud and honour her.

I will never love again, how could I for she is my soul mate, I am so lucky and blessed to have found my soul mate, most people don’t get to, I could never love another person as much as I love my wife, I will eventually die myself and my life will have been truly blessed and fulfilled , I have a love that is only heard of in fairy tales, I know this and I cherish every moment and every memory we have and have made together, we crammed an entire life time of love laughter and adventures into 17 short years.

So yes I grieve while my wife is still with us, and I will grieve even worse when she is gone, I grieve because I will never again feel her soft loving touch, I grieve because I will never again be able to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to her, I grieve because I will never see her beautiful sweet smile again, she doesn’t smile often now, I grieve because this is extremely hard on Hammy, I weep for him as he is his Mother’s boy, I grieve because God gave me a true angel then decided to take her away from me again, I grieve because all our hopes and dreams are gone. I grieve because it is killing me to see her suffer and slowly waste away.

I am losing so much more than a wife, I am losing my entire world, this old house is just that an old house without her, my wife makes this old house a home, it doesn’t feel much like a home now, just a place we go to sleep and stay, the warm welcoming feel of the old house is gone now it’s grows a bit colder and a bit more stale and heavy as each day passes.

I am broken now and always will be

Butch
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