A typical day in the Life of Butch …

I speak often with great fondness about the little village I live in , I talk about how peaceful it is, how friendly and supportive it is, a great place to live…and it’s all that and oh so much more, it’s like a little slice of a Utopian oasis hidden out in the middle of nowhere Saskatchewan, it is *My* Utopia , it’s not for everyone, and that fact comes painfully clear come spring… see what I didn’t say about my village is , every spring we are up to our asses in mud…. there is only 1 paved road here, Mainstreet , all other streets and driveways are made of clay base and gravel … if I had to describe this place in 1 sentence to a visitor in spring this is what I’d say…. we have a church,school, arena,general store, bar/hotel…and we have Mud… Lord do we ever have Mud!! … that about sums up my village.

Now every spring my backyard floods , I am talking you can hop in my canoe and paddle around the yard flood (seriously ) so I was up at 7:30 am this morning, in my pajamas and rubbers (rain boots for those that don’t speak Canadian) standing in 2 feet of water setting up both water pumps (I borrowed a second pump from my neighbour) in hindsight perhaps I should have had a couple cups of coffee to wake up and clear my brain before setting up the pumps… Because…. Like a dumb ass that I can be , the pumps are electric , so I am standing in 2 feet of water with 2 plugged in and very live extension cords squeezed between my thighs as I primed the pumps , holding a metal 2 gallon pail.

I couldn’t put the power cords down in the water or …. well I would have killed every frog within a 150 foot radius and taken myself out in the process , remember I’d only been awake for about 10 minutes, no coffee and not thinking, so what to do, the pumps are now running , I fill the bucket with water so it won’t float away and gingerly balance the power cords on it and wade back to the house …. ( I’m not the sharpest tack in the box when I first wake up) I later went out and replaced the bucket with a couple sawhorses and tacked a nail on either side of the power cords so they don’t slip off into the water.

I cleaned up had coffee and Hammy and I went to church, after church I got talking with a friend who invited Hammy and I to go spend some time with him and his family at his cabin in Manitou Beach! … aside from a mini summer vacation (which Hammy and I need) and spending time with a good friend, Manitou Beach is one of only 3 salt water lakes on earth… of course everyone knows of the big one …The Dead Sea ( bet you didn’t know it is not a sea at all, it is a lake) … the second is in Czechoslovakia, and the third is right here in Saskatchewan Canada (Manitou lake) it’s the only saltwater lake in North America , so that’s really awesomely cool!

After church it was back home, feed the kidlet, do the dishes, get the laundry started and then out to change the tires on the Mighty Cavalier , I finally got that lug nut off, actually my neighbour came over with a couple tools and we broke the stupid aluminum cap off the actual lug nut ( why they put those on beats the hell out of me) once we got that cap off ( it was rounded so the tire iron couldn’t get a grip on it) , with a couple curse words and some heavy prying with the tire iron we got the lug nut off, after that escapade my neighbour went home and I jacked up the car and changed the dang tire ( only took a month to get it done) , about that time my dang back went out ( I’m getting old) I quickly decided that the other tire could wait til tomorrow , I’ve gone 1 month without a vehicle, 1 more day won’t kill me.

then it was in to make supper for the kidlet ( with a back that is killing me slowly) , shower and now I’m back in my pajamas just relaxing.

This is a typical day for me, toss in work and my life couldn’t get anymore exciting lol , it’s country living, time means nothing out here, things get done on their own good time, life is slow and quiet here, not fast paced and noisy like the cities, where you gonna go out here? north field or south field? for a change of pace I take the dog for a walk down the grid roads (gravel roads) we go a couple miles then turn around and wander home again, to me this is about as close to Heaven as I can get while living.

Well that’s all I got for tonight folks, so Remember:express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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Getting to know myself …

Sorry this post is so darn late, it’s been a busy day and a day of self discovery… So the burning question on my mind lately has been…Who am I? …. still haven’t figured that out, but my old brain bucket has been working overtime pondering that question… ( if you think it’s an easy question ask yourself… who am I ?.. I mean deep down inside… the meat and potatoes of who am I? not just a generic answer… give it some serious thought)

So I am still searching for the answer to that question, all I could come up with is my personal Credo , I guess the sum of that makes up who I am , I just don’t know the word(s) or how to convey to both myself and to others who I am when asked.

I believe honestly that all people are Equal, all sexes, all genders (including all the shades of grey ) , all sexualities, all races, all ethnicities , all contries, all nations.

I don’t believe in one true religion, I do believe that all religions have their good points and bad points.

to me there is a huge difference between Faith and Religion , to me faith is a personal thing between a person and which ever God they believe in , while Religion is not.

For me the Bible is not the gospel truth, nor is it the word of God, it is however a great history book, written by humans, that not only gives me a glimpse into history, but of the politics of the time, the cultures,the beliefs and moral values of the time.

never argue the existence or nonexistence of God with an Atheist, I respect their views and thoughts and choices, and will not argue with them, or try to convince them they are wrong … to me they are not at all wrong, or misguided, or a heathen or anything but human… as I said to me Faith or lack of it, is a personal thing.

Go through life and do no harm to others, human or animal , be kind always, and help everyone as much as possible, and expect nothing for your actions or deeds.

always strive for your personal best, be the best person you can be , not perfect, before speaking always ask yourself… how would I feel if someone spoke those words to me? never try to be perfect and don’t hide your flaws, change them if you can, if not, accept them , own them, but don’t dwell on them.

take ownership of your own life, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

Give more than you take

Stay Humble… always

Enjoy life to the absolute best of your ability , have many ” hold my beer and watch this” moments , laugh at yourself, be the brunt of your own joke now and then.

Love Honestly, Fiercely,Loyally with all your heart and soul, or don’t love at all.

Be honest, be loyal, be true ( “Authentic”) to yourself, your family, your friends, to strangers, to everyone.

your word is your bond , if you say you will do something, do it, always, no exceptions , sometimes in life all a person has is their word and a handshake.

Never make a promise to anyone for any reason if you can not or will not keep it and carry it out. never let a promise become a lie.

try to find the good hidden within the bad , and always remember, there is always someone who is worse off than you , keep everything in perspective.

never take tomorrow for granted, it may not come, live for today, live each day as though it was your last, one day it will be.

be thankful for each morning you wake up , one morning you will not.

Take chances and risks, live life to the fullest , pursue happiness over prosperity , take what you need to live and don’t worry who has more/bigger/better/newer/ in the end, rich or poor…the graves are all the same size.

Don’t take life too seriously, and don’t take yourself too seriously…

Be open to new thoughts ideas, views, and possibilities, and be willing to learn new things, life, thoughts,deeds,actions are not written in stone.

Okay it is late, and this is the gist of my personal credo, I don’t like how it sounds when I read this, it comes off as preachy or the absolute of everything, and it is neither, it is simply my own personal beliefs and values and the tools I use to get through this life , they are MY beliefs and values, and they work for ME, they may not ( and probably are not) what works for you or your personal compass ….. these are but a fraction of what defines who I am , and the only way I know how to answer that burning question I asked myself “who am I”? … I can’t define myself down to a single word or sentence, I have tried repeatedly and am still trying , I don’t know that it can be done.

So that’s enough about me for now, so my question to you is… Who are you? do you have a personal credo? … it’s not an easy question to answer. ( and no you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, it’s just something for you to ponder is all )

So that’s all for tonight and as always Remember Folks :express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch


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A story about a Twitter joke gone very wrong …

Okay so this is a true story involving a now ex twitter follower of mine ( she absolutely wants to see me dead now… beyond dead, maybe twice dead!!) and myself…

Now I have a strange sense of humour, and up until last year, I didn’t think posting silly jokes and pranks on twitter would amount to anything, I mean who am I? nobody that’s who, I am not a celebrity, I am not famous, I am not an online force of any sorts, and I don’t have any cult followings like some folks on Twitter , no I am none of that, I am just another screen name on social media… nothing more…. oh but apparently I do have 1 teensy special ability, it’s my super power…. and that ability is… I can get you arrested and investigated for Murder…. but my ability and superpower depends GREATLY on you the Twitter follower, or Reader and your actions….

So here’s the story …. Now about a year ago I posted a simple joke on Twitter, and I assumed no one would actually DO IT !! … but alas one of my followers did actually carry out the joke… this is the Joke : Text : Okay it’s done, I hid the Body, Now what? to a completely random number and freak someone out.

Welllll a Twitter follower of mine in Saskatoon… actually carried out that joke and she sent it to a random stranger…. who as it turned out was an elderly gentleman in another town , to say that the prank text freaked him out is a big understatement!! … The Gentleman who is a concerned citizen promptly calls the RCMP and shows them the text… now the Mounties.. thinking they have a Murder on their hands, and by the sounds of the text, it may be a hit from some organized crime …. have no fear Dudley Do Right is on the Case!! and they go public with the story of a possible murder , if anyone knows anything they should assist the investigation by calling crime stoppers …. and they begin to pour resources into finding the unknown murder the body and the hitman involved so they can nail the crime organization responsible…. and all this is splashed across the local news… and camera focuses on the old gentleman who recounts his tale of terror at receiving this text message….

It took the Mighty RC’s about a week to trace the number back to a woman in Saskatoon …. and yep they arrested her ass.. and were gonna throw the book at her and charge her with Murder …. she was a 40 something year old soccer mom with a couple kids a minivan and absolutely no criminal record, not even a speeding ticket … her husband just happened to be away working… the ever diligent Fuzz patrol… called his employer to see if he was indeed still alive and at work as his wife claimed, or if she whacked him then hid his body !! needless to say her husband showed up at the cop shop in a quick hurry !

She repeatedly told the police it was a joke that was posted on twitter, she thought it was funny and just did it!needless to say @ButchCountry went dead silent for about a month…. and thankfully since I use a wireless internet Turbo stick… my IP address registers to a cell tower in Edmonton Alberta ( not sure why.. but it does , I am not an Alberta Resident) … I went silent online…. and waited for the RCMP to find me and give me the what for and escort me to the local detachment in the city. ( they never did find out who ButchCountry is , nor were they able to locate said prankster) Thank GOD!!

The RC’s raked that poor woman over the coals for 16 hours trying to get her to confess to a murder that never happened! .. all she had to say to the reporter who dogged her when the police released her was that it was a prank she read on twitter and thought it would be funny to do… she also said the person who posted the prank was an @sshole and that she will never do anything like this again.

So now I don’t post pranks and jokes on Twitter… as I learned even a nobody like me can on occasion through my superpowers… make some people think that a prank is a good one worthy of carrying out! … I never in a million years thought anyone would actually do it!

my twitter feed exploded and I went from just 400 followers to over 1000 in 1 week lol ,I keep things pretty low key on twitter , it’s a lesson learned all the way around … and yes I have thought of many other diabolical pranks that I could be posting on twitter since… and it takes me a great deal of self control NOT to post them, but i don’t want to see anyone else actually pay attention and actually pull one of my stupid pranks off… as it turns out the authorities really do not have a good sense of humour!

So that’s the story about how I learned the power of the interwebs and to mind what I say online as there are people out there crazy enough to actually do what I jokingly suggest might be funny!!

So that’s all for now, Remember Folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others.

Butch
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Things that make me go Hmmmm …

There are things in life, and about folks that just Boggle my mind, things I simply can not understand and make absolutely no sense to me at all, I am forever confounded by the way some people think and act towards others, as well as events that happen around the world.

What makes me go Hmmm is Racism… I don’t understand it at all, I mean to dislike or hate someone based on skin colour? … that actually makes me go WTF!!?? … I just don’t understand that concept, and I can see no reason or justification to dislike/ hate anyone simply because they have a different skin colour than me… it’s just makes no sense and Boggles my mind, it’s a foreign concept to me.

Same with Sexuality… disliking or hating someone because of their sexuality?… it’s absolutely ridiculous! … I don’t care if your God says _________ is a sin, who the HELL are you to Judge?… Judgement is reserved for YOUR God…. NOT YOU, and chances are the person will never meet your God anyway, they probably have a nicer less judgemental God than you, so why even concern yourself with the gender of another person’s partner?… just makes no sense and it Boggles my mind , here is something to ponder… if you are against gay marriage, and want absolutely nothing to do with it…. simply don’t marry a gay person! marry someone who is the same sexuality as you… problem solved!

Money .. this too makes me go Hmmm…. yes money is a necessary evil, we all need some to live… give money get food gas clothes etc. but people do not need as much money as they think they do , and it baffles me how most everyone forsakes family, life and the pursuit of happiness to chase the almighty dollar, yes money is pretty important, but no it is NOT the MOST important thing in life, yet people covet it, hoard it, kill for it…. imagine killing someone for a piece of paper and some round metal disks! ( coins) …. pretty stupid really!!

Material Objects… another thing that completely stupifies me… people and small families who build/buy HUGE houses and go hundreds of thousands if not millions in debt…. WHY? Why do you and your family of 3 or 4 NEED that 9,000 square foot mcmansion with 6 or more bedrooms, 3 bathrooms 3 car garage pool etc. …. why? just why? are you trying to boast to everyone how successful you are?… hey look at ME, I HAVE the Biggest house on the block (even though I use less than half of the living space) I have the biggest shiniest fanciest most expensive car , I have the nicest furniture genuine sacred cow leather, and the latest electronics… look at ME… I’m better than YOU!… is that what you’re thinking? …. really? if so, then you’re also the biggest and most stupid Jackwagon on the Block! …. what ever happened to living within your means? is it worth going into deep debt just to try and impress everyone around you? ….. makes absolutely no sense to me.

Religion…. this one completely baffles me… I believe in God, I have my Faith , and occasionally I attend the local church, not because going to church makes me a good Christian… oh hell no, I simply go now and then to socialize , I am quite sure that some in that church do not believe what I do nor do they keep their faith as I do… and that’s okay… who am I to judge or say what’s right or wrong… It baffles me how people use Religion to justify HATE, (Hate towards anyone who doesn’t believe as they do) it stupifies me how people try to use the Bible to oppress others and impose their will on others…. to me these are not people of God… they are self righteous hypocritical windbags who give the rest of the Christians a bad reputation (guilty by association) , same goes for Muslims… the average Muslim is quite peaceful and does not try to impose their faith on others… then you get the right wing Loons… ( same with Christians) who wage Holy wars and try to impose their beliefs on everyone else ( Christians are just as guilty of genocide… just look at the Crusades, Spanish Inquisitions, what they have done to the Aboriginal peoples in North America, how they corrupted and defiled almost every country and nation on the planet etc) we act all shocked and horrified when break away groups like ISIS start killing people and waging a Holy war against everyone who doesn’t believe in the same brand of Religion as them…. yet under the guise of our Christian God… we have done the same damn thing… repeatedly , throughout history …. Religion gets more people killed than anything else and that just baffles me… regardless of Faith… isn’t Religion supposed to be about peace love and harmony… loving everyone regardless of their beliefs sexuality skin colour language …. just pure unconditional love towards everyone and each other… but that is not what they preach in churches …. it baffles me on how people die in the name of God / Allah or any other dang name you wish to call him/her/it/them… it is just downright stupid all the way around and it baffles me.

It absolutely baffles me how we send Billions of dollars in AID to other countries… Africa,Bangladesh,Somalia etc. …. yet we can’t even feed and house our own poor… it baffles me why we send our resources that are needed here to other countries then spit on our own poor…. just makes absolutely no sense, shouldn’t it be look after our own first and help all others second?I am not heartless but I also don’t understand why we funnel Billions of dollars to these have not countries for decades , and they themselves have not improved their situation…. where are the water wells? where are the schools? where are the farms? where are the fisheries? where are the medical centers doctors nurses etc ?why are they not using the money to better themselves? all those countries should be able to stand on their own feet after 30 + years of AID from the rest of the world , if they haven’t learned to use the funds to better themselves by now , they never will and have become reliant on Global Handouts …. perhaps it’s time to stop sending money and start using that money to help our own people ….. it makes no sense to put other countries on a Global welfare system ( really that is what foreign aid truly is) and use the money here in our own countries to help the poor…. there is absolutely no reason why a person/family should be without housing, food,education, medical etc. here in our own countries , the Government and nonprofit agencies all say , we lack funding, we don’t have enough money to feed and house and give the basic necessities of life to the poor…. OF COURSE you don’t have enough money or funding or food or resources to help the poor…. your sending all the resources overseas to other countries…. you are all taking the food and housing and education and medicare away from our own poor and giving it to someone who probably has no idea where North America even is! …. baffles the hell right outta me.

It astounds me that we have an unlimited supply of wind power, solar power, Hydro power , Bio fuels, etc and the technology to utilize these forms of power… yet we constantly rely on dead dinosaurs (oil) for all things…. Oil is obsolete yet we kill each other for it and we all bitch and whine at the gas pumps…. why are we even still using gas powered cars? and why do you the suburban warrior require that big gas guzzling ozone frying air polluting all wheel drive SUV?? a compact car is not big enough for you , hubby, and your 3 kids? … why do you need all wheel drive or four wheel drive in a city? really… are the potholes truly that bad that you need an off road vehicle? listen… running over a concrete curbs does not qualify as four wheeling!! why? just why? buy a 4 cylinder mini van if you need room , funny I can seat 5 people in my little Aveo and still put $300 worth of groceries in the trunk! how big of a vehicle to do you really need??…. seriously?

I don’t understand why we don’t just leave the oil alone and stop using it… Boats can use wind power, solar power, bio fuels, planes can run on biofuels , if that’s too freaky for the rider… use the petroleum they use now , let the military use petroleum and civilians can use alternative sources, you don’t even need natural gas to heat a house any more , you can use natural geothermal … we have the technology to go completely off oil and petroleum use, yet we are just too damn lazy to use it , it is easier to pay thousands of dollars per year on new petroleum cars , easier to pull up to a gas pump , easier to connect a wire than a solar panel to a house, … it’s just stupidity and laziness that’s all… people are just too comfortable with the status quo, they cry but jobs will be lost if we stop using oil… yes some will, but people can be retrained to work on wind turbines and solar panels etc.. refer to sending the money to other countries… people can be retrained and new jobs created… really there is no excuse and that just baffles me.

it baffles me on why we are still cutting down forests to build houses… you would think a brick would be less expensive than a tree… a brick is made of clay, clay is a free resource in the ground, sandstone and granite also free from the ground… hell we have Mountains made entirely of the crap … rocks and clay don’t burn… wood does… so why are we raping the forests to build combustible houses? …. makes no sense to me at all.

These are just some of the things that make me go Hmmmm and some even make me go WTF?? I don’t claim to be right or wrong, these are just some things that make me scratch my head and wonder why? that’s all .

Anyway, that’s all for now folks, so Remember:express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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I am Broken now … long post I’m sorry

We don’t know how much time we have left, my Wife and I have been talking a lot, we talk about Heaven and how nice it must be, how there is no pain suffering or sorrow in Heaven, we talked about how time has no meaning in Heaven, that she might be there talking with her brother Brian and look up to see me walking up over the horizon, she would ask me “What are you doing here”? And I would reply, “my Darling, 40 years have passed” , and she would think only a moment had passed since her arrival. Then we’d both turn to see our son Hammy walking across the horizon and he would say Mom, Dad, 80 years have passed in but a moments time in Heaven, and we would ALL be together again for all Eternity.

We have been talking about our son and his future, I told her that no matter what happens Hammy and I will be alright and that I will continue to raise him up to be the man she had hoped and dreamed he’d become, I told her she need not worry about us that we’d be okay.

We have been working on her WILL and getting it all in proper order just the way she wants things to be, and this coming week I will drop it off at the lawyers to have it finalized, we are going to the city Tuesday to put me on her bank accounts, just in case, so that I will have access to them should something happen. We are getting everything in order just in case, it is not easy to do all this as it makes the inevitable a stark reality for both her and I.

We have been spending time as a family, Hammy her and I, reassuring her that she is so very loved, and reassuring Hammy that no matter what his Mom will ALWAYS be at his side, he is in pretty rough shape, I have to go to his school Monday and tell them what is happening here at home and to set up counseling for him there, then I have to set up an appointment with his counselor in the city, he hasn’t had to see her since last fall, he needs her now.

I’ve been grieving, I know it may seem odd to you that I would grieve while my wife is still with us, but I can’t help it I LOVE her so very much and the thought of losing her is just too much for me to bare, I’ve had 17 wonderful beautiful years of pure LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS with her, I will cherish those memories for ever, we have some fantastic memories her and I and we have been talking about them.

Hammy has been rocked to his very soul, the thought of losing his Mother has him at his breaking point, today(Monday) I went with him to his school and had a very tearful conversation with his principle and teachers and asked that they keep an eye on him and let me know if he acts out breaks down or tries to hang himself on the swing set (again) , The school called in a counselor for him and she will see him twice per week, Palliative Care from the Cancer center in Regina is going to send out a music therapist in the evenings to help Hammy, and I called his counselor at Child and Youth services to get him back in there.

I hold Hammy often, just a big bear hug and a kiss on the top of his head while whispering to him just how proud his Mother is of him, I tell him how much she loves him and wants him to continue to grow into a fine young man, I whisper to him just how much I love him and that no matter what he will stay living with me, I tell him how proud of him I am and that yes it will hurt when Mom goes to God, but we will get through it together, I told him we would stay out here in the little village at least until he is a grown man and busy with his career, I keep reassuring him that we will be alright.

Over the weekend I got all the funeral arrangements lined up, the village church waived it’s fees so the service can be held there and the town hall waived it’s fees so the wake can be held there, it was very nice of them to do this for us, words can not express my gratitude, my neighbours has been clearing out my walkway and drive way with their snow blowers keeping everything open in case an Ambulance needs to be called, the village has a 14 person First Responder unit as well so when and if an Ambulance is called the village First Responders would get here first, assess the situation and decide whether the air ambulance is needed or a regular ground ambulance.

The Village has been so very kind and helpful, I can never repay them except by paying it forward, I pick up my wife’s will from the town office tomorrow morning, all 3 Commissioners are signing it for my wife as witnesses, then it’s off to the city to have our Lawyer make it iron clad, and to put my name on my wife’s bank accounts, we are getting everything done now while she is able, she is going down hill really fast, once again she has to sleep on the main floor of the house, I too will sleep in the living room so she is not alone, this morning at 7 am I had to give her 20 mg’s of Morphine, she slept until 10 am , I bathed her and helped her in the washroom then gave her another 20 mgs of Morphine, she drinks Ensure and Boost more than she eats now, she is starting to feel more pain as her lungs begin to collapse, I am not sure how much longer she will be with us, I am not sure how much longer I can bare to see her hurt and struggle, I’m trying my very best to keep her comfortable, she wants to pass at home and I am doing everything I can to see that it happens but if the pain becomes more than the Morphine can manage she may have to go to palliative care, it’s so hard to hear her struggling for breath, it’s not like on tv and in the movies where they just close their eyes and pass peacefully, it is nothing like that at all, the truth is she feels pain fear hurt , the truth is she gasps and struggles for air even on the oxygen machine, the truth is she cries in her drug induced sleep, the truth is she is trying so hard to hang on and the truth is she doesn’t want to die, the truth is she knows she is going to be with God soon, the truth is her heart is breaking because she wont be here for Hammy and I .

The truth is all this is KILLING me, my very soul longs to go with her but the reality is I can’t I need to be here for Hammy, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of my wife and of our life together and of our little family, I have so many memories and I try so hard to focus on them but when I do I just break down.

I look at her now and I don’t see a weak frail sick person, I see my Beautiful Darling Angel as Beautiful and as perfect as ever, I see her innocence while she sleeps, I see perfection personified, I see an Angel .

Nothing has been left unsaid between us, she knows she is truly and honestly loved, she knows that Hammy and I will be alright, she knows that Hammy and I will live our lives in a way that will make her proud and honour her.

I will never love again, how could I for she is my soul mate, I am so lucky and blessed to have found my soul mate, most people don’t get to, I could never love another person as much as I love my wife, I will eventually die myself and my life will have been truly blessed and fulfilled , I have a love that is only heard of in fairy tales, I know this and I cherish every moment and every memory we have and have made together, we crammed an entire life time of love laughter and adventures into 17 short years.

So yes I grieve while my wife is still with us, and I will grieve even worse when she is gone, I grieve because I will never again feel her soft loving touch, I grieve because I will never again be able to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to her, I grieve because I will never see her beautiful sweet smile again, she doesn’t smile often now, I grieve because this is extremely hard on Hammy, I weep for him as he is his Mother’s boy, I grieve because God gave me a true angel then decided to take her away from me again, I grieve because all our hopes and dreams are gone. I grieve because it is killing me to see her suffer and slowly waste away.

I am losing so much more than a wife, I am losing my entire world, this old house is just that an old house without her, my wife makes this old house a home, it doesn’t feel much like a home now, just a place we go to sleep and stay, the warm welcoming feel of the old house is gone now it’s grows a bit colder and a bit more stale and heavy as each day passes.

I am broken now and always will be

Butch
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Why I Eat Butter …

So since I quit smoking I have decided to make more drastic changes, but this time not only in my own life, but in my wife and our son’s lives as well.

I’ve been getting more exercise, nothing drastic like hitting a gym, just subtle stuff such as multiple long walks each day , I’m guessing I manage about five miles per day maybe a tad more, I’m doing this for my personal health, I’m starting to feel better and am starting to have more energy and starting to be able to breathe deeper, still haven’t managed to lose much weight, of course I’m not really trying to lose weight … yet, but I have shed 2 pounds , I am 223 pounds now (I’m tall so I carry the weight well), when I do decide to get serious about losing weight I won’t be dieting, just exercise and eating well , nothing more, our village has a small fitness center, so when I decide too join , I will, I am deciding what kind of exercise I want and where to put that weight, do I just lose the pounds? or do I hit the weights and turn it into muscle? I’ll sort that out when I decide too.

Last night before I went to bed I went through the pantry,cupboards,fridge and freezer and took out all the processed foods, instead of throwing them out, I boxed everything and took it to the food bank this morning in the city before I went to pick up my wife.

Now I didn’t go insane and get rid of everything, my wife and son love their ice cream, and I require sugar in my coffee, and of course Milk, have to keep the Milk , I will rephrase it by saying about 95% of all the processed foods went to the food bank this morning.

Now I am not going to turn into a Health Nut or a Organic Foods only Nazi, I will keep some processed stuff around as treats and such, Organic produce is just Bullshit by the way, half the organic produce you buy in food stores are in fact just regular produce with an organics label on it, Notice how “Organics” costs more than regular produce? …it should be cheaper, think about it, here’s the cold hard fact: organics… grown from seed pesticide and chemical free (supposedly) picked and shipped fresh …. should be cheaper because no chemicals were used hence less expense to grow… so why then are you paying more? and don’t think for an instant your organics is not Genetically Modified ! it is, if it wasn’t they’d be dumping a shit ton of chemicals on them to keep them insect and disease free. You have been duped by the advertisers who played on your fears, so you gladly pay more for an organic apple that is in no way different than a commercial apple, wash the commercial apple for 30 seconds and you have the same damn apple as the organics, both Genetically Modified , both chemical free.

So anyway, I don’t buy organics , it’s just a big money grab that isn’t necessary, I just buy regular produce and wash it before use. BTW unless your seeds say Heirloom everything you grew in your garden is genetically modified as well. Carrots for example are NOT orange….. they made them orange to make them more appealing, people like color in their foods, no carrots are naturally white.

Speaking of produce, our front gardens are producing quite nicely , I have been picking 4 varieties of tomatoes almost daily, yellow bells, beef steak, heirloom, and cherry , I harvest around 2 pounds each daily and there is still plenty on the vines , our beets are really huge this year , oh and for the record , you can eat the beet tops as well (the leafy green stuff) they have a pleasant taste, I planted purple carrots this year and they are almost ready for harvest, and our corn is also about ready, as I said in a previous post , our main garden was flooded out and destroyed due to excess rain this year, so our harvest is going to be small , around 200 pounds of produce, down from our usual 6 to 800 pound harvest so I will have to make up the short fall at the grocery stores ( we can,preserve and freeze most everything) .

I will continue to buy beef pork and poultry from the Hutterites (Like the Amish, only modern,they use machines and have electricity phones etc and live in colonies), we have a colony just 7 miles south of us, sometimes I buy produce from them, I mean where else can you get a 50 pound sack of potatoes for 8 bucks?? I usually but 100 pounds at a time when my gardens fail.

I will continue to hunt deer, elk moose rabbit duck and goose to supplement our meat (cuts the grocery meat bill by 98%) and I will continue to fish, which means I only have to buy shrimps and salmon and oysters , I can catch the fresh water fishes on my own. (there are no salmons in Saskatchewan, that’s a coastal fish)

But I cut out the processed and manufactured foods, did you know cheese whiz is just one molecule away from being plastic? nasty huh?

here’s why I’ve always eaten Butter :

butterI already know how to make most condiments such as mayonnaise ,ketchup, BBQ sauce, I use powdered Mustard (just add water) relish etc, all easy peasy to make, home made eggnog , ice cream, peanut butter etc. I can even churn my own butter but choose to buy it because it’s quicker lol

I’m just cutting down on the chemically made foods, hydrogenated stuff , just look at that word a moment HYDROGEN…ated , extra sugars and words none of us can pronounce are all off my new food list.

I’m doing this because A: it’s healthy, B: something gave my wife Cancer and if it’s not environmental then it has to be chemical , and where would she ingest chemicals?… in processed foods, Now I am NOT saying that she definitely for 100% certainty got cancer from processed foods, but then again , I’m not saying she didn’t either… who knows? and cutting out processed foods and making healthier food choices can only be beneficial to everyone who eats it, and no it doesn’t mean more expensive, just means wash your food before you prepare it .

So That’s it for tonight, hopefully this post gave you something to ponder.

Remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted and be kind to others.

Butch
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Dumbass Award …

So Last night was a rough night, I couldn’t stop thinking about my wife, about our life we had built together, about the 18 years of memories (16 of those years happy and blissful) , I laughed I cried, I smiled a lot, and didn’t get any sleep until almost 3 am.

I have to be up at 7:30 am on weekdays to get my kidlet fed and watered and ready for school, like his Mother was, Hammy is one of those annoying people who wake up all bouncy and cheery and full of energy …. me…. not so much, I’ve been known to utter death threats prior to consuming at least 3 cups of coffee.

I do appreciate his exuberance , and it does brighten the rest of my day….. however I am not so functional until after those 3 cups of coffee, my ritual consists of getting up, getting to the washroom before Hammy gets there (he likes to play video games during his morning constitutional) , putting the coffee on ( why I don’t just use the timer and set it the night before is beyond me cause really I am just that dumb!) getting the dog out for his business ( he also wakes up full of energy and overly happy) , standing on the back step in my jammies and jacket having a smoke while the dog does his thing ( takes about 10 minutes) .

So today I have been dog assed tired, I’m so tired that I can barely function today , I had a couple snoozes on the couch , they helped a bit, my body feels rested but Mentally I’m just wiped, So I was doing the routine house chores, and while doing dishes the water goes off… WTF I paid my bill ! … first thought was a burst pipe , so I open the dreaded hatch to the crawl space under the house, grab a flashlight and down I go , it’s pretty muddy down there, some water is getting in from the melting snow (we have been above zero for 3 days now!!) theres not a whole lot I can do about the water coming in , it will eventually dry out, anyway I am crawling around deftly dodging Spiders ( my weakness… spiders, they terrify me and have been known to send me running and screaming like a little girl) , I am checking the pipes for leaks cracks and the possibility of being froze…. about this time I am covered in mud and cobwebs , I stick my head up out of the hatch and the damn dog nearly eats me!! he didn’t recognize me ( the dumb shit) so after bellowing at him to eff off the light goes on in his window and he figures out that it is just me, I crawl out with a funky damp smell covered head to toe in mud , shed my clothes and head for the washroom to clean up…… no water DOH!!

So I grab my jacket, forgetting to put my pants on and run outside with an empty ice cream pail to get some snow ….. yep about that time my neighbor pulled into my driveway …. and there I was in a jacket, a pair of old slippers and my Underoos … no pants!!

My neighbour didn’t say a word, he just sat in his car laughing, yeeeahhhh … I took the walk of shame to the house and found some sweat pants , turns out he was just checking on me to make sure I was okay since he hadn’t heard from me in a week .

while nuking my bucket of snow in the microwave , a thought occurred to me.. phone the village office an see if they know why the water is out… I did , they were closed ( figures)

I cleaned up as best I could with my bucket of water, and about that time the water magically came back on DOH! … so into the shower I went.

So I am a Dumbass , I could have called the village office at 2 pm to see why there was no water, but nope, didn’t think of that , instead I took the hard way and spent an hour and a half under the house checking the pipes for nothing… as it turns out the fire department was blowing out their hydrants making sure they had pressure and such…. turns out when they open those valves all the town water pressure gets diverted to the hydrants and the houses lose water along the street the hydrant is located ….. hmmmm they could have posted a notice in the village hall!! hell a phone call woulda been nice.

So yes today I was a Dumbass and just had to do things the hard way… simply for no other reason than I can DOH!

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Big Bois Don’t Cry … But I Do

My wife was in the hospital from Thursday until 3 pm today, she was getting her 7th round of Chemo, it’s a different drug cocktail than before, this one won’t damage her heart but makes her so very sick.
When she is having Chemo I stay with her the first day to offer support and comfort, she doesn’t want visitors the second day, so I spend 2 nights and 1 day alone at home, then go in Saturday to be with her and bring her home.

I don’t sleep well when she is not near,my mind races lost in thoughts of her,us,our little family,I remember when we first met,funny I can still remember her perfume from 17 years ago, Exclamation, that was her favorite, I smile and hold her pillow tight.
I remember every single word from every single conversation we have had in the last 17 years,as those conversations replay in my head, I can hear your voice,so full of love,hope and life, I can hear your whimsical laughter and I hold her pillow tight.

I remember the bad times too, the arguments we’ve had, I wish now that I could have been stronger and calmer in those turbulent moments, but Darlin’ ,you look so cute when you’re angry, I remember bringing you flowers and taking you out dancing and telling you how sorry I am for getting angry, we have always worked through it together, and I hold her pillow tight.

I remember when you had our son, I really wanted a girl and jokingly asked the nurse to look up your hoo-hoo to see if there was a girl in there, you laughed despite the pain and the nurse thought I was insane. I hold her pillow tight

I remember you giving me a second gift,not just a son, you told the nurse to put my name on his birth certificate, she didn’t hesitate,she told me where to sign and with that our son had my last name, he was by law mine! Oh how I have loved you for that, that was the day you also started using your married name instead of your maiden name, that day we became a true family. and I hold her pillow tight

I watched you become a great Mother, it comes natural to you, you just know how to say and do the right things, you are a near perfect parent, I truly envy you in that, but you inspire me to be a good parent, you lead by example and I follow, I stumble a lot more than you, but you always catch me. I hold her pillow tight

Remember the trips we’d take, sometimes day trips sometimes weeks at a time, just random, waking up at 6 am and driving to Billings Montana just for a cup of coffee? a 6 hour drive for coffee, or the time we were going to go to Moose Jaw for a day and wound up in Canmore Alberta 2 days later, remember camping? we started in a tent, but as I got older the ground became harder so I bought us a crappy little tent trailer, I remember how pleased you were with it and how you spent days cleaning and decorating it. and I hold her pillow tight

Just this month I got us a little car that you absolutely fell in love with, I seen the tears of joy in your eyes and my heart soared with pride because I had made you so happy, your little lady bug car, I still love the way you whispered in my ear”take me for a ride” and how happy you were pushing all the buttons. and I hold your pillow tight.

Darlin’ while your in the hospital our life together plays out over and over again in my mind, and Darlin’ while I hold your pillow tight, I cry a thousand tears of sorrow as I wonder just how many more memories we have left, I Cry a thousand tears of sorrow because I don’t ever want to be anywhere but at your side. I cry a thousand tears of sorrow because I know I am slowly losing you.

Butch
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Day 4 on Champix …

So 4 days ago I had a long talk with my family Doctor, he gave me the results from a battery of tests he had put me through, it wasn’t exactly good news, my cholesterol is off the charts, he said I am a Heart attack waiting to happen, I am over weight, even for my height ( 5 foot 10), I tip the scale at 225.3 pounds, ( I love my wife’s cooking and always have seconds ) I will say I carry my weight fairly well, I don’t look over weight, I do however have a spare tire for a gut (images of Homer Simpson come to mind) however my weight puts me at risk of diabetes, my Doctor is very blunt, he simply stated clean up your act or die, the choice is yours.

Well I am also a smoker (gee go figure), I have been trying to quit since April but to no avail (no offence but it takes more than simple will power, nicotine is a drug and it’s harder to kick than heroin, doubt that? ask any doctor) , wanting to quit is half the battle, the other half is the hellish with drawls that can make you feel like your dying, and can make you ready to kill anyone who gets on your nerves, being that I WANT to quit and just can’t do it on my own no matter how hard I try, I asked my Doctor for help, he gave me Champix.

I set my quit date for 9 days after the first pill (that would be the 16th of August), how ever I just may be able to stop before that, I had 5 smokes today, and I must say I hated every one of them, I don’t really feel the need to light up, I don’t know why I had 5 , perhaps just to take the edge off? or habit? I don’t know, but I do know tomorrow will be better.

There are side effects with Champix, for me I don’t feel suicidal or depressed, I do feel tired and want to nap more than usual, I have little appetite which means instead of loading my plate as usual , I just take very small servings and pick at it, right now I can’t eat Tuna, it makes me gag which sucks because I am worse than a cat when it comes to tuna! I love tuna mayo and onion sandwiches!
Food tastes odd to me at the moment, partly due to the drug champix and partly due to not hardly smoking, when you smoke it makes food taste different, so not smoking also changes the taste of food.
I have wicked vivid dreams due to the anti smoking meds, they warned me of this, I don’t mind as I tend to enjoy my dreams no matter how bizarre or the contents etc. I have always really enjoyed my dreams, just for now they are wickedly vivid which makes them all the more exciting and entertaining . ( yes I can tell when I am dreaming)

I am calm and relaxed and the with drawls are manageable not physical or psychological pain, like I said just tired, oh and my ears are constantly ringing, I know this shall pass with time so I am okay with everything, this won’t last forever, it takes 3 full days for the nicotine to leave my system , so even though I am currently still smoking which I won’t be doing much longer, I know the amount of nicotine in my system has been drastically reduced, I went from 1 pack (25 smokes) per day down to just 5 smokes in 4 short days…. that’s pretty freaking AWESOME! tomorrow will be even better.

I am going to turn my health issues around, first step is quitting smoking, second step is to exercise more ( I already walk around 5 miles per day), I am going to put an ad up in the post office asking for a bike buddy, someone who wants to go pedal biking for a couple miles once or twice per week since my wife currently can not join me.
I am also planning on joining our local fitness center , I have set my goal realistically to reach 175 pounds, no time limit, just daily exercise, once I hit 175 I will ask my doctor if that’s enough, if not I will set another goal of 10 pounds and go from there.

Anyway that is all for tonight, remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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Hammy Honours his Mom …

So when Hammy was at Caring Hearts Bereavement camp last weekend , one of the things he did there was make an ornamental tea pot, decorated it then put a small hole and a crack in the side of it, the tea pot represents his life, the crack and hole represent a broken/missing piece of his life that he can never repair, replace, or truly heal ( the missing piece represents his Mother ) , pretty heavy stuff from a 13 year old, but there is more.

Today Hammy had his annual EEG scan ( he gets them yearly til he is 15 due to the brain tumor he had at 11) his brain waves are perfectly normal, and the strobe lights did not trigger any seizures, his recovery is nothing short of miraculous, so anyway after we left the hospital he wanted me to take him to walmart, he took some of his babysitting money and bought a small bag of potting soil and picked out a small red rose bush , he debated over pink and red for a bit, then chose a pot that had 4 little red rose bushes and I checked it over to be sure it was healthy and free of spider mites and other pests for him.

When we got home Hammy took his tea pot and asked me to plant the roses in it for him, which I did, the Roses represent life and healing beyond the broken tea pot and they Honour his Mother with their ever lasting beauty (she absolutely loved roses)

So here is Hammys representation of life and his Honour and Memory of his Mother …

this photo really doesn’t do his tea pot or his roses justice, they both are absolutely beautiful , and it is a very beautiful way to honour his Mother that Hammy has done.

I had no idea that my son at 13 was that deep of a thinker, I am both impressed and in awe of him, he never ceases to amaze me with his thoughtfulness,love and compassion that he freely has towards others , and I think he put together a pretty amazing tribute for his life and his Mother, I know she is here at his side just beaming with love and pride towards her son Hammy and I know for certain she would be very honoured that he has done this for her. , I know I am extremely proud of him, he is dealing with his grief and loss very well and his journey and path seems to be getting a little easier to walk for him, after he told me the story of the tea pot and what it represents and the roses I know in my heart that my boy is going to be okay and have a good long life.

For Hammy I wish and hope the woman he meets and falls in love with and takes to be his wife, is a good strong woman capable of handling the love and kindness that he has in abundance without questioning or doubting that it is genuine and pure, there is an awful lot of my wife in Hammy, both spiritually, emotionally,and personality , not to mention he is a spitting image of her , I hope his future wife realises and understands exactly what she has in her husband and will return the love and devotion that he will give her so freely honestly and passionately. ( yes I will be checking any future potential wives out very closely , they better be equally as passionate, honest and loving as him or they won’t get to have him) …. I am sure his Mother will influence him in choosing just the right partner for him .

So anyway that’s all I have for now, Remember Folks:express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
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Death visits us again … pet loss

My son and I are still emotionally raw from the loss of his Mother,my Wife, we are coping as best we can with her death and trying to move forward one step at a time through life, now as it happens my wife was an animal lover, so much so that she resented me to a degree whenever I went hunting (I supplement the grocery bill with wild game), I was never allowed to bring home a dead animal nor clean/dress it anywhere near our home, I had to do that where I dropped it, I had to go to a friends house and we would butcher and wrap the meats before I took it home.

Now being an animal lover she also rescued any stray cat or dog she come across and would foster them, clean them and make sure they were healthy before finding them forever homes, as it happens we soon acquired multiple cats (her furry babies) we had 5 of them, 1 in particular was her favorite, Sabre, a grey cat that she coaxed into our home about 11 years ago, he was the most sorry looking cat I’d ever laid eyes on, and the meanest bastard on the planet, we lived in Calgary at the time (Big City) and he was ferral, he had been abused and tossed aside, he was missing the tip of his tail, his tail also had a permanent kink in it, he had a broken rib or 2 (probably from being kicked), he stank really bad, had fleas and mange , he was starved so bad that we had to feed him little bits of moist cat food at a time so he wouldn’t get sick and die .

That mangy cat took right to Pauline, she cleaned him up and nursed him back to health, after many vet visits he was deemed healthy and disease free, so we had him fixed, that cat loved Pauline with all his heart and soul, he followed her from room to room, slept by her head, would sit on her lap every time she sat down , she always talked to him in her sing song voice, and soon he was a member of our family, he thrived on all the attention people gave him, she had taught him how to trust and love and be loved by people again, she spent the next 11 years babying him more so than the other 4 cats we acquired.

Sabre was a Happy cat, and he was well loved and he knew it, when my wife passed away, he somehow knew that too, he spent his days going from room to room yowling at the top of his lungs looking for her, he stopped eating, and when I brought her urn home he would lay on the floor just below the shelf she sits on and cry, physically cry, I had no idea cats had tears until I witnessed this.

Coupled with my sons grief and my own, listening to Sabre cry none stop for the last month has been almost unbearable, I tried and tried to get him to eat, he drank some milk now and then, ate very little of the wet cat food, just a few bites here and there, his grief overrode his need to eat and overrode his natural survival instincts, he was grieving hard and no amount of comfort would help him, he was slowly wasting away, he was dying of a broken heart.

Tonight he passed away, he died of a broken heart, I wept as I carried his lifeless body out, it hurt me so bad that he passed , that he didn’t want to live without Pauline, I know she was there to take him to the Rainbow Bridge, I asked her to come and end his suffering and take him quietly and quickly, she did.

I am guessing Sabre was around 12 or 13 years old, he was already a year or 2 old when my wife first coaxed him into our house.

Sabre, Pauline’s favorite cat and fur baby, you will be missed my dear friend, but I know that right at this moment you are in Pauline’s loving arms once again, and for that I so desperately envy you . Rest well old friend .

anyway, that’s all for tonight, so remember folks:express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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