Just call me Captain Paranoid but I’m not the only one

Okay, I know at least 1 of you also do this, have done this, or knows someone who does it….. I am talking about putting a piece of duct tape over the built in camera, and putting a cotton ball then a piece of duct tape over the micro phone …. Crazy? ya maybe, but at least no SOB can remotely turn on my camera , or tap into any conversations that I regularly have with myself or the cat or sometimes with my Wife!

Call me Captain Paranoid, but I read about webcams being hacked all the time and I take no chances, I have my fire walls, my anti virus, my mal ware detectors, my anti spy programs I use a secure wireless service that I can turn off and on myself and still it all comes down to cotton balls and duct tape, and not just any duct tape, but specifically black duct tape.

So to answer the burning question…. no I don’t skype , nor do I do any other sort of video chat, hell I don’t use any messenger services like MSN or Yahoo, AOL etc. I avoid using the Explorer browser like the plague and regularly switch back and forth between 2 browsers that shall remain un named, but rest assured both use a multi layered security system, you’d have to steal my cell phone to crack the browsers or various sites I use, and I can assure you, unless you’re bullet proof, you’re not getting my phone.

Why do I do all this ? because I have been online with various computers since before the world wide web was created, back when all we had to connect to each other were BBS boards ( Google it, it’s kinda hard to explain to anyone born after windows 3.11 was created !) , in that time I have learned to not trust the world wide web, nor the people on it, hackers and even amateurs,kids etc can and will exploit any flaw in any operating system given the chance, I’ve had computers go into a full on nuclear melt down due to hackers back in the early days , I am a well seasoned veteran of the computer age , I have learned to expect the unexpected, don’t take a half assed approach to security, either go all in balls out or get out of the pool because some jackwagon will ruin your day with a hack attack or virus, or worse yet, turn your computer into the jackwagon’s personal file download storage space, and guess what is most likely being put on your computer?? Shit that will get you 20 to 30 years in a Federal penn that’s what!

You’re double screwed if the jackwagon downloads files that can land you in the Penn, and then the Hacker Group Anonymous get’s into your hard drive and not only posts those files online, but they also post your IP address, your location, your name, everything about you for the world to see, so now not only is the law up your ass…you are likely to get your ass lynched by a street flash mob , and it is on YOU to prove your innocence and it’s on YOU to prove you did not download those files. Good friggin luck with all that buddy!

So call me Captain Paranoid , but I call it playing safe while online .

So now that I just freaked myself out, I’m off to thoroughly scan my computer and watch a couple movies with my wife.

Remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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I am Broken now … long post I’m sorry

We don’t know how much time we have left, my Wife and I have been talking a lot, we talk about Heaven and how nice it must be, how there is no pain suffering or sorrow in Heaven, we talked about how time has no meaning in Heaven, that she might be there talking with her brother Brian and look up to see me walking up over the horizon, she would ask me “What are you doing here”? And I would reply, “my Darling, 40 years have passed” , and she would think only a moment had passed since her arrival. Then we’d both turn to see our son Hammy walking across the horizon and he would say Mom, Dad, 80 years have passed in but a moments time in Heaven, and we would ALL be together again for all Eternity.

We have been talking about our son and his future, I told her that no matter what happens Hammy and I will be alright and that I will continue to raise him up to be the man she had hoped and dreamed he’d become, I told her she need not worry about us that we’d be okay.

We have been working on her WILL and getting it all in proper order just the way she wants things to be, and this coming week I will drop it off at the lawyers to have it finalized, we are going to the city Tuesday to put me on her bank accounts, just in case, so that I will have access to them should something happen. We are getting everything in order just in case, it is not easy to do all this as it makes the inevitable a stark reality for both her and I.

We have been spending time as a family, Hammy her and I, reassuring her that she is so very loved, and reassuring Hammy that no matter what his Mom will ALWAYS be at his side, he is in pretty rough shape, I have to go to his school Monday and tell them what is happening here at home and to set up counseling for him there, then I have to set up an appointment with his counselor in the city, he hasn’t had to see her since last fall, he needs her now.

I’ve been grieving, I know it may seem odd to you that I would grieve while my wife is still with us, but I can’t help it I LOVE her so very much and the thought of losing her is just too much for me to bare, I’ve had 17 wonderful beautiful years of pure LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS with her, I will cherish those memories for ever, we have some fantastic memories her and I and we have been talking about them.

Hammy has been rocked to his very soul, the thought of losing his Mother has him at his breaking point, today(Monday) I went with him to his school and had a very tearful conversation with his principle and teachers and asked that they keep an eye on him and let me know if he acts out breaks down or tries to hang himself on the swing set (again) , The school called in a counselor for him and she will see him twice per week, Palliative Care from the Cancer center in Regina is going to send out a music therapist in the evenings to help Hammy, and I called his counselor at Child and Youth services to get him back in there.

I hold Hammy often, just a big bear hug and a kiss on the top of his head while whispering to him just how proud his Mother is of him, I tell him how much she loves him and wants him to continue to grow into a fine young man, I whisper to him just how much I love him and that no matter what he will stay living with me, I tell him how proud of him I am and that yes it will hurt when Mom goes to God, but we will get through it together, I told him we would stay out here in the little village at least until he is a grown man and busy with his career, I keep reassuring him that we will be alright.

Over the weekend I got all the funeral arrangements lined up, the village church waived it’s fees so the service can be held there and the town hall waived it’s fees so the wake can be held there, it was very nice of them to do this for us, words can not express my gratitude, my neighbours has been clearing out my walkway and drive way with their snow blowers keeping everything open in case an Ambulance needs to be called, the village has a 14 person First Responder unit as well so when and if an Ambulance is called the village First Responders would get here first, assess the situation and decide whether the air ambulance is needed or a regular ground ambulance.

The Village has been so very kind and helpful, I can never repay them except by paying it forward, I pick up my wife’s will from the town office tomorrow morning, all 3 Commissioners are signing it for my wife as witnesses, then it’s off to the city to have our Lawyer make it iron clad, and to put my name on my wife’s bank accounts, we are getting everything done now while she is able, she is going down hill really fast, once again she has to sleep on the main floor of the house, I too will sleep in the living room so she is not alone, this morning at 7 am I had to give her 20 mg’s of Morphine, she slept until 10 am , I bathed her and helped her in the washroom then gave her another 20 mgs of Morphine, she drinks Ensure and Boost more than she eats now, she is starting to feel more pain as her lungs begin to collapse, I am not sure how much longer she will be with us, I am not sure how much longer I can bare to see her hurt and struggle, I’m trying my very best to keep her comfortable, she wants to pass at home and I am doing everything I can to see that it happens but if the pain becomes more than the Morphine can manage she may have to go to palliative care, it’s so hard to hear her struggling for breath, it’s not like on tv and in the movies where they just close their eyes and pass peacefully, it is nothing like that at all, the truth is she feels pain fear hurt , the truth is she gasps and struggles for air even on the oxygen machine, the truth is she cries in her drug induced sleep, the truth is she is trying so hard to hang on and the truth is she doesn’t want to die, the truth is she knows she is going to be with God soon, the truth is her heart is breaking because she wont be here for Hammy and I .

The truth is all this is KILLING me, my very soul longs to go with her but the reality is I can’t I need to be here for Hammy, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of my wife and of our life together and of our little family, I have so many memories and I try so hard to focus on them but when I do I just break down.

I look at her now and I don’t see a weak frail sick person, I see my Beautiful Darling Angel as Beautiful and as perfect as ever, I see her innocence while she sleeps, I see perfection personified, I see an Angel .

Nothing has been left unsaid between us, she knows she is truly and honestly loved, she knows that Hammy and I will be alright, she knows that Hammy and I will live our lives in a way that will make her proud and honour her.

I will never love again, how could I for she is my soul mate, I am so lucky and blessed to have found my soul mate, most people don’t get to, I could never love another person as much as I love my wife, I will eventually die myself and my life will have been truly blessed and fulfilled , I have a love that is only heard of in fairy tales, I know this and I cherish every moment and every memory we have and have made together, we crammed an entire life time of love laughter and adventures into 17 short years.

So yes I grieve while my wife is still with us, and I will grieve even worse when she is gone, I grieve because I will never again feel her soft loving touch, I grieve because I will never again be able to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to her, I grieve because I will never see her beautiful sweet smile again, she doesn’t smile often now, I grieve because this is extremely hard on Hammy, I weep for him as he is his Mother’s boy, I grieve because God gave me a true angel then decided to take her away from me again, I grieve because all our hopes and dreams are gone. I grieve because it is killing me to see her suffer and slowly waste away.

I am losing so much more than a wife, I am losing my entire world, this old house is just that an old house without her, my wife makes this old house a home, it doesn’t feel much like a home now, just a place we go to sleep and stay, the warm welcoming feel of the old house is gone now it’s grows a bit colder and a bit more stale and heavy as each day passes.

I am broken now and always will be

Butch
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Switching Gears I’m going to post a couple food entries…

Okay I have thought about it some and with a small kick in the pants, have decided that I will be posting a couple food blog entries, not food critic stuff, but the stuff I like to eat, and my recipes (sorry vegan’s and vegetarians ) ….well I guess Tofu lovers could in theory substitute the meat for tofu…. (gross) ehem , anyway, Even though I do use whole foods where I can, still at times processed foods have to be used (some condensed soups etc ,until I perfect my recipe’s for home made substitutes )…. Yes this Butch can cook!

I will also post some of my wife’s recipe’s (she CAN really cook!!) and there’s nothing complicated in our recipes , no fancy stuff, and you don’t need to be a Master Chef to create great tasting food, if you can operate a stove or BBQ you’re more than half way there!

My Recipe for the perfect burger ( I call it “The Butch Burger” )

You will need a 60/40 ground meat mix (I use 60% regular ground beef and 40% regular ground pork ) you can get this from your local butcher or can buy a pound of each and mix it yourself.

This recipe makes up to 8 burgers at a time and I use the BBQ but you can use a stove or griddle/skillet just as well.

Take about 2 pounds of your 60/40 mix and throw it in a mixing bowl, add a quarter teaspoon of sea salt, and about 1 full teaspoon of ground black pepper (sprinkle these evenly across the meat).

Add 1 raw egg (to bind the meat together) and a small handful of crushed ritz crackers (I use the original ritz)

Take a medium onion (red/yellow/white makes no difference) chop it up into small cubes and toss that into the mixing bowl with everything else

Chop 1 or 2 stalks of celery into thin bits and toss them into the mix

Now dig into that mixing bowl with your hands (wash your hands with soap and water first) <<< common sense …. and mix the shit out of the meat , mix it for at least 2 minutes to make sure everything is properly dispersed evenly .

wash your hands again and grab a cookie sheet/large baking pan , cover the pan with wax paper.

Grab a hand full of meat and roll it into a ball, then mash it down flat to form a burger patty, make it as thick or thin as you like , just keep in mind that it’s thickness WILL effect the cook time. I make mine about an inch thick , put your burger patties on the wax paper and they won’t stick to it .

Now with the BBQ on low, place your burgers evenly across the grill, don’t constantly flip them or they will become dry , and no one likes a dry burger! , there is gonna be flare ups (flames) due to the fat in the meat, just don’t panic, just stay there and keep an eye on ‘em, if it looks like the burger is burning simply use your flipper (spatula) and move the burger patty to another spot on the grill away from the flames, now keep an eye on your burgers, when the meat is cooked about halfways through from the bottom up (the sides look like yummy burger brown and the top is still pink/raw) flip them puppies over and let them cook for another 5 to 7 minutes until done.

And there you have it a genuine Butch Burger the way I make ‘em for my family and friends, nobody’s complained yet . Toss ‘em on a bun add fresh lettuce and tomato load up with your favorite condiments and chow down! keep a paper towel handy because they are elbow and chin drippers (the grease/juice will drip)

Need a quick and easy side dish that only takes 5 minutes to do up on the BBQ … no worries I’ve got ya covered there too! (you vegetarians might like this )

This is the Lazy Butch steamed/fried veggie platter

Now you can take the time to shred each veggie if you like, but we have a perpetually hungry 13 year old boy in the house so I gotta be fast and whip up a veggie dish on the down low.

I just use a store bought bag of pre mixed salad greens (get rid of the dressing you won’t need it) a bag of sprouts , a bag of fresh mushrooms (you choose the type , I just use regular white mushrooms) an onion (cut into chunks) a bag of sweet peas in the shell (your gonna use them shells and all ) and last but not least a zucchini cut in half then cut length ways so you get strips , thinner the better ( I leave the skins on but feel free to peel it if you must waste all the vitamins and minerals)

Next take a piece of tinfoil about the size of a dinner plate give or take, put a heaping table spoon of REAL BUTTER (you can use margarine or another over processed substitute if you don’t have butter), put that in the center of the tinfoil, now take your sprouts and veggies and layer each on top of each other or mix them either way works, make sure you leave enough room to fold and seal the tinfoil much the same way you would with a baked potato, toss a bit of pepper and sea salt on it and seal it up tight . this is 1 portion so you will have to repeat this for each person you’r planning on feeding .

Again with the BBQ on low ( they can be done the same time as the burgers ) use the top rack of your BBQ and set each tinfoiled veggie platter (seam side up) on the rack and close the lid, don’t mind the smoke because as the butter melts some will drip onto the coals/burners , let them steam/fry away for about 5 to 7 minutes, that should be enough time to have each veggie cook through. (if it gets really smokey simply lift the lid and wait for it to dissipate , check to make sure each foil bundle is still tightly sealed), remove frrom heat when done and serve.

There ya have it, 2 easy peasy dishes that make my family and friends froth at the mouth with antici…….pation , people around here know that when I fire up the BBQ someone’s fixin’ to be fed real well , and they know enough to wander over for a plate because I always make extras for just such occasions.

If you guys would like another recipe I have lot’s including one that requires shoving a can of beer up a chickens ass! (yes it’s a dead chicken, I think a live one would really object!)
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I’m Back Services and other ramblings

We had a service for my wife Saturday February 7th 2015 , it was simply beautiful, it lasted about 45 minutes, the little church was packed with standing room only, I just know she was there in spirit smiling, and probably thinking “I don’t like all this attention” , she never was one who cared for much attention, she was more focused on her little family.

I have her Urn and set up a nice little memorial on our book shelf, nothing too fancy as she preferred the simple things in life, I just put her photo there next to the urn, 3 purple candles and 3 chocolate red roses , that’s pretty much it, I have my memories of her now, and it may sound odd ,but with her urn home in the house, it’s almost like we are a Family again.

We had lots of Family stay with us, our little house on the prairies was packed full, we had 8 people not counting Hammy and I sleeping and living in our small humble home, but we managed just fine, we also brought a lot of business to our villages bar/hotel, we filled all 10 rooms , each room has 2 double beds so it was 4 people per room, my Friend owns the bar and gave everyone a deep discount, and we kept the kitchen busy as well.

Hammy and I are starting to fall into a quasi normal routine again, my day usually starts at 6 am and ends around midnight, I not only look after Hammy but the house as well, I had a great teacher for the last 18 years so I know how to keep a house, and I can cook, very well if I do say so myself, I have also been up to my ass in Government forms and other paper work, it gets complicated when a loved one passes.

Hammy is doing alright, he sits by the urn and tells his Mom about his day at school and always says good night to her, he grieves different than I do and that’s okay, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, He is a strong little soul that is for sure.

I myself am starting to recover slowly, I find myself getting teary eyed out of the blue every now and then, I smile when I see a young family together then get teary eyed knowing that , that was once me and my little family, the truth is the whole family dynamic has permanently changed and can never be what it once was, and I miss that. I want that back. Every day I miss her and I always will.

Hammy and I have grown closer, we have made it a rule that we don’t go to bed with out a hug and a kiss on the cheek good night followed by an I love you, we do this in the morning too, even if he has dragon breath in the morning, I still appreciate the kiss on the cheek, I have started putting little notes in his school lunch, nothing fancy, just a simple I love you and am thinking of you , Dad , hopefully it brightens his day a bit.

I can do this, I got this, I can be a single parent and manage a home and the animals just fine, I am not so scared of the task now, Hammy isn’t the least bit worried, as long as he is fed and watered he is a happy camper, He follows the routine pretty well and is managing to keep his grades up at school. I am so very proud of him and you will find me talking/writing quite a lot about him as time moves forward, he is Pauline’s Legacy to the world and I will continue to raise him in the same fashion as before, he is my pride and joy and I am gonna do my fare share of bragging on him because he is just that great!

Financially I am in good shape, there will be some tough times now and then, but then there always is for almost everyone on the planet, I still have my job at my friends bar here in the village, I cook there a couple hours a night 3 to 4 nights a week, I haven’t returned to work yet and don’t plan to until I have all the paperwork and Government crap done, perhaps in March I will return to work, I also have EI (employment insurance) which I always file for each winter until spring arrives and I can fire up my yard maintenance business again, my business is seasonal so I usually take the winters off and hibernate, I also have other things that bring in some money, not a lot but when you save it up it all adds up, I do use Google Ads on my Blogspot site to generate a small income, it’s not much but as I said it adds up, and the cheques are in US currency so I get even more Canadian dollars when I make the deposit. I also collect scrap metals and recycle , it’s quick easy money, I am toying with the idea of selling off some stuff via Ebay, no rush for that though and it’s there if and when I want to give it a whirl.

During the spring summer fall months I generally make more than enough money to carry through the long cold winters we have here, so I am by no means financially ruined or facing any serious hardships now that my wife is no longer alive, quite the contrary, I’m not spending $300-400 in gas making multiple trips to the city to get to doctor appointments, I’m no longer shelling out $50 a week in hospital parking, no longer have to buy specialty foods and special diets , nor am I shelling out hundreds on medications each month, it’s all money that can be saved and put away now.

This summer Hammy and I plan on doing some traveling,fishing and camping together, it should be fun and together we can build some great memories, I do very much enjoy spending time with Hammy, he honestly is a fun kid and a hard worker, as I mentioned in previous posts, last summer Hammy pretty much ran my entire business all summer so I could be home to look after Pauline, he was just 12 years old turning 13 when he manned up and went to work running my business, I did all the paper work and reassured clients that yes Hammy could run the equipment and knew exactly what he was doing after all he had been working along side me since he was 7 years old, he runs the machines like a pro and I never had a single complaint all last year, and yes I made sure Hammy was paid and paid well for all his hard work.

As far as my grief goes, I do miss my Wife dearly, I am heartbroken and lonely now, but I find comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering and she is at peace now, I know she is in Heaven smiling down on us, I know she will be eternally young, I know she has her long blonde curly hair and that her eyes once again have that sparkle in them, I know God is taking good care of her,I know that we will be together again one day and that comforts me.

I still haven’t been able to sleep in our bed, it’s so big and empty now, I just may down size to a twin bed, I will never share my bed with anyone so I really don’t have the need for a queen sized bed anymore. For now I sleep on the couch in the living room, also I haven’t gone through her stuff and bagged it for donation yet, I’m just not quite ready for that yet, I have gotten rid of a few things in the living room, more decluttering than anything , just a lamp that was never used, an old rickety book shelf, some bins full of scrap booking stuff , not a lot, but enough to free up some space and make the house more Hammy’s and mine.

Guess that’s all I want to say right now, but I am back and will write more often now that life is settling down again.

Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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I’m losing my wife…

I took my Wife in for a chest ex-ray today and the Cancer is spreading aggressively fast, her left lung is almost completely consumed by the tumor, and her right lung has a 23 cm tumor as well as multiple little ones which are all growing rapidly.

I am Heart Broken, words can not describe the agony I am in, I am losing my wife, I have maybe a month, possibly 2, 3 at the absolute most with her, I have begged and pleaded with God to spare her but to no avail, my prayers have fallen on deaf ears, I have had 17 beautiful years with my angel, I don’t think she will be at my side on our 18th anniversary February 14th, My whole entire world is exploding before my very eyes and there is not a goddamned thing I can do about it.

I LIVE for my WIFE , I have lived 17 years for my wife, my entire world revolves around her now she will be gone soon and a vast empty void will remain where she once stood, how am I supposed to “Man up” how am I supposed to remain strong how am I supposed to carry on what am I to do?

My wife and I talked and I gave her as much comfort as I could by letting her know that if she has to go be with God, I will be okay, that I will look after OUR son and raise him to be the man she always dreamed he’d be, I told her that him and I will be okay and our lives will go on and we will be together again in Heaven when God calls us home.

I told her that she would never feel pain in Heaven, that she would be as beautiful in Heaven as she is here now, even more so, I told her she would find peace and happiness in heaven , I told her not to hold on for our sake , to go when she feels ready and go without fear or worry, Hammy and I will be ok , we will be ok .

Truth is I will never be ok, I will honestly only go on living for our son’s sake, God he looks just like his Mother, so beautiful so perfect, he has her sweet personality too, he is just like her, so loving , so very loving, in honesty, if it wasn’t for our son , I’d put a gun to my head when my wife passes, I can’t bare the thought of life without her, but I have to carry on, what choice do I have, we have a son a 13 year old boy and I do love him so very much I could never leave him nor would I.

There is only loss and sorrow in my life now, I have to be strong for our son, I have to help him live, help him grow into a man to help him through his life and help him find his happiness and success, I have to show him how to carry on when you just want to die , I have to love him more now than ever before, there is no more hope now, no more buying time through chemo and other medicines, all I can do is be at her side and keep her comfortable until god takes her home.

Please do me a favor…. tell those who matter that you love them and truly mean it, take a break from your busy lives and just take in the sunset with the ones you love, make each moment count and even if your atheist …. just this once say a small prayer of thankfulness for those you love.

I’m so lost right now, I want to take some time off and be with my wife, be with my little family I will be back blogging , just right now I hurt so very very much, I just need some time to come to terms with all this, to brace myself for the dark times ahead

Butch
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