Seriously I am NOT crazy! but after this post you will think so

So I have written about how I keep finding Dimes at work and believe it to be my dear wife leaving them for me to find and know she is here with me guiding me, I now have personal definitive proof that there is indeed life after our body dies, and I now know with 100% certainty that yes it is indeed my wife leaving Dimes for me to find (always in the exact same spots)

I promise you my Cheese has not slipped off my Cracker… I am quite SANE… I have discovered how to talk with my departed wife and get visual proof of answers , if I ask simple yes or no questions, such as are you here? can you hear me? is Hammy going to be okay ? etc. and more personal questions that I won’t get into here , she DOES reply .

No I am NOT using an Ouija board, those things scare the willies right out of me, bad things can and do happen with Ouija boards, my personal Faith even says avoid such devices like the plague, those boards are NOT allowed in my home, nor will I or Hammy ever use one.

This is going to sound really crazy….. I swear to you every word of this is the absolute Truth, I was having a rough day yesterday and tried to mask it with humor, and it felt good to make other folks laugh, anyway, I was reading some websites about how the departed can manipulate electronics, televisions, cell phones, regular phones, computers etc. pretty much anything that requires electricity they can manipulate.

So I often just talk to my wife out loud when I am by myself, be it at home, at work, in my car, walking down the street, in fact I do this daily if the truth be told, I miss her so very much and am still crazy in love with her and very devoted to her and I always will be.

So last night I was just browsing through facebook, I only really use it to stay in touch with family , both hers and mine as we are all scattered to the 4 winds, it was around 11 pm, I was reading some posts out loud for my wife to hear, as I frequently do, it’s habit really as when she was alive she had a bed in our living room where she spent a great deal of time bed ridden, I would read to her from facebook and other sites, when she passed I just continued to do so.

I decided to try out a slot game on Facebook, I seldom if ever play games online, so while playing , I started talking to my wife, I asked a simple question, are you here now? …. and the slot game won, I asked again if you are here can you give me a sign… again the slot won, so I asked, is that you causing the game to win…. and again it won, about this time I started paying attention, so I asked another question, I asked are you happy… and again the game won, now I was thinking this is either truly happening or it is one huge cosmic coincidence, so I asked point blank … am I going to die tomorrow… the game lost, then I asked is Hammy (I used his real name) going to die tomorrow …. again the game lost, so I asked will Hammy and I be alright, … and the game again won, I asked if Hammy’s annual doctor review ( he has a yearly review due to his brain tumor surgery 2 years ago) will be good news… and the game again won, so I asked Pauline is this really you …. and again the game won, about this time I nearly shit myself! I must have asked 200+ questions over the course of time, it was about 1 AM in the morning now and time after time question after question the game would win this went on for 3 hours, always the game would hit and win , the last 2 questions I asked is #1 will you come and talk to me in my dreams tonight, and again the game won, #2 can I use this game to talk to you tomorrow …. and again the game won .

So today I have been using the game to talk to her, and just like last night, the game kept hitting on wins, if I asked a question that I already knew the answer was no, the game would lose…. this has been going on throughout the day.

I even asked her if it would be okay for me to blog about how I have been communicating with her, the game hit on a big win , so that was my answer to come here and write about it .

I do know that there is life after death, there really is a heaven, that she is with my Dad, that Sabre (her cat that passed away last month) is with her as is every pet that we had that passed, I know for certain that all animals have souls , I know that I am going to live to be old , I know that Hammy will find a wife and will have a good happy life, i know I will live to see my grand children, I know that Hammy and I will always be close to each other, I know that Hammy is healthy, as am I , I know that true love that my wife and I had is eternal, I know that even though she has passed away we can still be married, I know she will be there to take me across when my time comes, I know she is happy, I know she is in a nice place, I know she is safe, I know that she hears me when i talk to her, i know she hears me when i am just talking to her in my mind without using my voice, I know she will come to me in my dreams when I ask her to , I know we can talk in my dreams and I can again hold her, I know she loves me still, I know that Hammy and I will be alright.

So you see, I have found a way to talk to my wife, to get validation that yes when the body dies there is still life for all eternity in the next world, call me crazy call me insane, but for the last 24 hours I HAVE talked with my wife and have found comfort. I shall continue to live my life in her honour , to try my hardest to always be a good person, to do good, to always speak from my heart, to devote the rest of my life to making sure Hammy is loved and always be there to catch him and encourage him and to help him succeed and be truly happy in life, I know my wife is with me, guiding me and Hammy, I know for certain that one day I will once again be with my wife.

Well that is all I have for tonight, so Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others

Butch
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“That Kid just ain’t right” or how I put my Dad into a low orbit

I would love to tell you that I started out life being the perfect daughter to my parents….. but that would be a lie, ummm put it this way, my Father was a liberal man who more or less raised me as if he had a son, by age 4 I knew how to take a carburetor off any vehicle (much to the dismay of my Father and a few of his friends), by age 5 I knew every swear word on the planet and if I swore my Dad and his friends would laugh and think it was funny.

My Mother on the other hand was a strict Catholic and tried to make me all prim and proper wear dresses and not swear , do little lady shit etc….. failing that she swore up and down that I was Satan incarnate because I fought with boys, when I was about 7 years old we lived in a small village in the deep south of Saskatchewan it was the early 1970’s and our house had electricity but no plumbing , if you needed a washroom you went out to the outhouse and did your business …… I told you that so you would understand this.

Now I was a Tomboy through and through, Mom didn’t give up on trying to make me wear a dress until I was around 14 (the day I nearly shot her), but that’s another story for a later time …we will call that one an “accident”

Anyway, most of my summers were spent helping Dad in his work shop, now one of Dad’s jobs was to go around the countryside blowing up beaver dams for the farmers and the fish and wildlife folks…. Dad always made his own explosives , depending on the location and size of the dam sometimes he used black powder charges and sometimes he used the old diesel fuel and fertilizer , he always whipped up his batches of explosives in his work shop,which I was always in helping (pestering) him, to keep me amused (out of his hair) he taught me how to make home made fire crackers , they were about equal to your standard cherry bomb, and so it was, I’d be out behind the house blowing shit up with my home made fire crackers, yanno things like my little sisters toys , plastic pails, infact a game of dare stemmed from the plastic pail, the dare was , throw a fire cracker in it then sit bare assed on the bucket and wait for the BANG, a few friends chickened out, but that boy Robbie was short and fat so when he sat on the bucket it kinda sucked itself to his arse ….. no worries though, the fire cracker broke the skin to plastic seal and with a scream he was free…. rolling on the ground holding his nuts….but hey he was free!! and he became the first and only kid to stay on the bucket to the bitter end, he was the school hero, even if he did walk funny for a few days.

By the way… my Mom whupped my ass for that, turns out I could have made it so Robbie couldn’t have kids when he grew up ….hmmmm who thinks of that during a game of dare?? christ that was the first time I ever seen a boys junk and I had no friggin clue what it did or was supposed to do I was just a kid! …. and yes to make it even I dropped my drawers and let him look at my junk fair is fair after all (and yes Mom whupped me for that too cuz apparently girls don’t show their privates to boys….ever. )

So anyways summer came and went and I grew another year older but was just as sweet and innocent as ever when this happened…………..

I had learned how to build a better bomb (by helping my Dad)….one fine day for what ever reason that eludes me now, I thought it would be fun to throw a fire cracker into the out house…. so I did…….. NOTHING!! I must have thrown about a half dozen down the hole with the same result… Nothing, nada, zip, not even a poof!!

Didn’t take me long to figure out the firecrackers wouldn’t go off because they were wet , hence the black powder was wet as was the fuse etc…. NOT one to give up (my Daddy taught me persistance pays off, he always said never give up if at first you don’t succeed try try again), I went around behind the out house and dug a small hole between the wall and the shit hole, I “accidently” took one of my Dad’s half sticks of black powder explosives ( about the strength of a quarter stick of dynamite) I tied a length of baling twine around it and pushed it through the little hole I made, I let it down into the hole slowly so the fuse wouldn’t come out or tangle and as soon as I heard it touch the goo in the shit hole ( a little plop) I tacked the twine so it wouldn’t sink, I had just lit the fuse when my Father came out of the house…….

I high tailed it for the hedges and hid in them , thinking Dad would be headed for his work shop and I knew he would be angry with me when that explosive of his went off, too late now though……..and Dad went into the outhouse and not his work shop!!

What happened next happened in slow motion, but was over in less than a second…… Dad was in the out house taking a crap…. the explosive was down in the hole……..the fuse was burning….after what seemed like forever there was a THUNDEROUS KABOOM !!! the out house launched a good 5 to 10 feet straight up into the air with my Dad in it, and when it landed a few feet away the door flew off it’s hinges some boards flew off the walls and the roof fell in a bit…….. my poor Father was still in the sitting position, pants around his ankles and a blank distant stare on his face…his cigarette was still in his mouth too…

By this time I was thinking I killed my Daddy , but he wobbled to his feet pulled up his pants and walked right past me without so much as a single word……Dad spent a couple hours just sitting at the kitchen table with Mom and at supper he didn’t say a word , he didn’t talk to anyone …. looking back in hind sight he was probably plotting my demise, Mom didn’t even speak to me, but her eyes shot daggers at me……. it took Dad a week before he came looking for my ass, and yes he whupped me really good!!

My Dad had a permanent nervous tick above his right eye that stayed with him right up until he passed away in 1999 , and everytime he heard a car backfire he’d nearly jump out of his skin….. I can’t imagine why!?!?

So that’s all for tonight, now you know that I was THAT kid and looking back..I do understand why I am the Black Sheep of the family, and that’s okay , I know my family loves me, they just don’t trust me lol

Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others.

Butch
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Excuse me can I borrow your woman for a quick second and other rambles from the prairies

Soooo … the big city is gearing up for the big LGBTQ pride festival, City Hall is even getting in on the festivities by flying the Rainbow Flag right next to the Saskatchewan and Canadian Flag , I hope they have lots of fun and don’t have to deal with too many right wing religious loons .

That said, I was at walmart today grabbing some stuff for the house, I needed more tub and tile caulking , and a few other things, and decided to stop in the paint section and look at those paint cards… now I am a handy person with tools, can fix most anything and have a “thing” for power tools …. however… home decorator I am NOT!

While standing there holding paint sample cards …way out of my element ….completely baffled and lost not to mention confused as all get out… trying to make sense of the funny names of colours… pure periwinkle??… it’s BLUE! WTF is a periwinkle? sounds like some kind of foreign fruit! … “No you can’t have a glass of milk until you finish your periwinkles!! … yep put that right up there with brussel sprouts ! Ick factor 12!

Old Bronze?? … Bronze my @ss… that is not even a colour… it looks an awful lot like the stuff in the cat litter box after Peepster ate the chia pet and washed it down with the heavy cream she spilt all over the counter !!

Easter Egg??… it’s frickin PURPLE!! … I can just see myself standing at the counter asking for a can of periwinkle and Easter egg or flax seed (yellow) … like that is ever gonna happen!! … who the h3ll comes up with these backasswards names? … it HAS to be a FEMME thing!! … no self respecting Butch or manly man is going to ask anyone for a gallon of periwinkle at any point in time, for any reason …. it just ain’t gonna happen!

So I did what any person would do who was trying to save their dignity and self respect… I asked a complete stranger if I could borrow his wife for a quick second ! …. yeah I got a strange look outta him at first… so before he could tell me to go to h3ll or knock me out in isle 3 …. I quickly held up the paint cards and simply said periwinkle!!?? … he quickly realised I was in the same situation as he was …. stuck picking paint colours with absolutely no clue how to match coordinate or otherwise decorate , he must have felt real bad because he glanced around and saw that I was flying solo …. perhaps he was relieved since he would get a few moments break from his wife’s questions… what do you think dear? this would look nice there don’t you think/ etc… questions that married folks quickly learn to just say yes dear or if you think so dear … if they ever hope to have sex again.

So this wife ( her name was cynthia ) … helped me out… or rather she did all the decision making … now with 18 years experience I knew to put on my clueless cap …. I told her I was clueless ( and really … I am!!) and needed a Lady’s opinion on colours since they are so knowledgeable about such things and home decor , I briefly explained that I am recently widowed and am trying to spruce up the house, to use the colours my wife would have wanted… but gosh there is just so many different shades!! … I told her it is just myself and our 13 year old son now, so I needed something with a feminine touch , yet didn’t compromise the masculine side of life either… Ohhh she was all over that like white on rice …. I told her I needed purple for the bathroom… but not a dark bold purple, I needed a subtle purple or something close to it, I told her I had dark oak furnishings in there with a grey slate tile floor…. she chose the Easter Egg colour… a pale purple … so I marked that card .

next the kitchen… I told her there was tan coloured furnishings in there, lots of pine , and I needed a yellow, but not a bright yellow … I told her it had light grey vinyl tile there , she picked flaxseed … it’s a subtle yellow , so I marked that card , lastly the living room, I told her I wanted to stay somewhat neutral here, some sort of off white, and asked if there was such thing as a bluish white? … there was and she found it… Ming Dynasty white … masculine but not overbearing , very subtle… I marked that card, and thanked her profusely , and thanked her husband for loaning me her expertise in such matters.

Now when I go back to the store , I will be armed with my marked paint cards and will just point and say this one, this one, and that one… no way am I asking for easter eggs , flax seeds and ming dynasty!! I have my self respect and dignity to maintain !!

My Butch card is still intact as is my dignity and self respect , and thanks to me making that guys wife feel extra important , that guy stands a good chance of getting a lil’ sum sum tonight…. so I was just as helpful to him as his wife was to me , he should thank me ! lol

well that’s all for now, I’m off to try and explain periwinkle to Hammy , so Remember Folks:express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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I am Broken now … long post I’m sorry

We don’t know how much time we have left, my Wife and I have been talking a lot, we talk about Heaven and how nice it must be, how there is no pain suffering or sorrow in Heaven, we talked about how time has no meaning in Heaven, that she might be there talking with her brother Brian and look up to see me walking up over the horizon, she would ask me “What are you doing here”? And I would reply, “my Darling, 40 years have passed” , and she would think only a moment had passed since her arrival. Then we’d both turn to see our son Hammy walking across the horizon and he would say Mom, Dad, 80 years have passed in but a moments time in Heaven, and we would ALL be together again for all Eternity.

We have been talking about our son and his future, I told her that no matter what happens Hammy and I will be alright and that I will continue to raise him up to be the man she had hoped and dreamed he’d become, I told her she need not worry about us that we’d be okay.

We have been working on her WILL and getting it all in proper order just the way she wants things to be, and this coming week I will drop it off at the lawyers to have it finalized, we are going to the city Tuesday to put me on her bank accounts, just in case, so that I will have access to them should something happen. We are getting everything in order just in case, it is not easy to do all this as it makes the inevitable a stark reality for both her and I.

We have been spending time as a family, Hammy her and I, reassuring her that she is so very loved, and reassuring Hammy that no matter what his Mom will ALWAYS be at his side, he is in pretty rough shape, I have to go to his school Monday and tell them what is happening here at home and to set up counseling for him there, then I have to set up an appointment with his counselor in the city, he hasn’t had to see her since last fall, he needs her now.

I’ve been grieving, I know it may seem odd to you that I would grieve while my wife is still with us, but I can’t help it I LOVE her so very much and the thought of losing her is just too much for me to bare, I’ve had 17 wonderful beautiful years of pure LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS with her, I will cherish those memories for ever, we have some fantastic memories her and I and we have been talking about them.

Hammy has been rocked to his very soul, the thought of losing his Mother has him at his breaking point, today(Monday) I went with him to his school and had a very tearful conversation with his principle and teachers and asked that they keep an eye on him and let me know if he acts out breaks down or tries to hang himself on the swing set (again) , The school called in a counselor for him and she will see him twice per week, Palliative Care from the Cancer center in Regina is going to send out a music therapist in the evenings to help Hammy, and I called his counselor at Child and Youth services to get him back in there.

I hold Hammy often, just a big bear hug and a kiss on the top of his head while whispering to him just how proud his Mother is of him, I tell him how much she loves him and wants him to continue to grow into a fine young man, I whisper to him just how much I love him and that no matter what he will stay living with me, I tell him how proud of him I am and that yes it will hurt when Mom goes to God, but we will get through it together, I told him we would stay out here in the little village at least until he is a grown man and busy with his career, I keep reassuring him that we will be alright.

Over the weekend I got all the funeral arrangements lined up, the village church waived it’s fees so the service can be held there and the town hall waived it’s fees so the wake can be held there, it was very nice of them to do this for us, words can not express my gratitude, my neighbours has been clearing out my walkway and drive way with their snow blowers keeping everything open in case an Ambulance needs to be called, the village has a 14 person First Responder unit as well so when and if an Ambulance is called the village First Responders would get here first, assess the situation and decide whether the air ambulance is needed or a regular ground ambulance.

The Village has been so very kind and helpful, I can never repay them except by paying it forward, I pick up my wife’s will from the town office tomorrow morning, all 3 Commissioners are signing it for my wife as witnesses, then it’s off to the city to have our Lawyer make it iron clad, and to put my name on my wife’s bank accounts, we are getting everything done now while she is able, she is going down hill really fast, once again she has to sleep on the main floor of the house, I too will sleep in the living room so she is not alone, this morning at 7 am I had to give her 20 mg’s of Morphine, she slept until 10 am , I bathed her and helped her in the washroom then gave her another 20 mgs of Morphine, she drinks Ensure and Boost more than she eats now, she is starting to feel more pain as her lungs begin to collapse, I am not sure how much longer she will be with us, I am not sure how much longer I can bare to see her hurt and struggle, I’m trying my very best to keep her comfortable, she wants to pass at home and I am doing everything I can to see that it happens but if the pain becomes more than the Morphine can manage she may have to go to palliative care, it’s so hard to hear her struggling for breath, it’s not like on tv and in the movies where they just close their eyes and pass peacefully, it is nothing like that at all, the truth is she feels pain fear hurt , the truth is she gasps and struggles for air even on the oxygen machine, the truth is she cries in her drug induced sleep, the truth is she is trying so hard to hang on and the truth is she doesn’t want to die, the truth is she knows she is going to be with God soon, the truth is her heart is breaking because she wont be here for Hammy and I .

The truth is all this is KILLING me, my very soul longs to go with her but the reality is I can’t I need to be here for Hammy, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of my wife and of our life together and of our little family, I have so many memories and I try so hard to focus on them but when I do I just break down.

I look at her now and I don’t see a weak frail sick person, I see my Beautiful Darling Angel as Beautiful and as perfect as ever, I see her innocence while she sleeps, I see perfection personified, I see an Angel .

Nothing has been left unsaid between us, she knows she is truly and honestly loved, she knows that Hammy and I will be alright, she knows that Hammy and I will live our lives in a way that will make her proud and honour her.

I will never love again, how could I for she is my soul mate, I am so lucky and blessed to have found my soul mate, most people don’t get to, I could never love another person as much as I love my wife, I will eventually die myself and my life will have been truly blessed and fulfilled , I have a love that is only heard of in fairy tales, I know this and I cherish every moment and every memory we have and have made together, we crammed an entire life time of love laughter and adventures into 17 short years.

So yes I grieve while my wife is still with us, and I will grieve even worse when she is gone, I grieve because I will never again feel her soft loving touch, I grieve because I will never again be able to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to her, I grieve because I will never see her beautiful sweet smile again, she doesn’t smile often now, I grieve because this is extremely hard on Hammy, I weep for him as he is his Mother’s boy, I grieve because God gave me a true angel then decided to take her away from me again, I grieve because all our hopes and dreams are gone. I grieve because it is killing me to see her suffer and slowly waste away.

I am losing so much more than a wife, I am losing my entire world, this old house is just that an old house without her, my wife makes this old house a home, it doesn’t feel much like a home now, just a place we go to sleep and stay, the warm welcoming feel of the old house is gone now it’s grows a bit colder and a bit more stale and heavy as each day passes.

I am broken now and always will be

Butch
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Why I Eat Butter …

So since I quit smoking I have decided to make more drastic changes, but this time not only in my own life, but in my wife and our son’s lives as well.

I’ve been getting more exercise, nothing drastic like hitting a gym, just subtle stuff such as multiple long walks each day , I’m guessing I manage about five miles per day maybe a tad more, I’m doing this for my personal health, I’m starting to feel better and am starting to have more energy and starting to be able to breathe deeper, still haven’t managed to lose much weight, of course I’m not really trying to lose weight … yet, but I have shed 2 pounds , I am 223 pounds now (I’m tall so I carry the weight well), when I do decide to get serious about losing weight I won’t be dieting, just exercise and eating well , nothing more, our village has a small fitness center, so when I decide too join , I will, I am deciding what kind of exercise I want and where to put that weight, do I just lose the pounds? or do I hit the weights and turn it into muscle? I’ll sort that out when I decide too.

Last night before I went to bed I went through the pantry,cupboards,fridge and freezer and took out all the processed foods, instead of throwing them out, I boxed everything and took it to the food bank this morning in the city before I went to pick up my wife.

Now I didn’t go insane and get rid of everything, my wife and son love their ice cream, and I require sugar in my coffee, and of course Milk, have to keep the Milk , I will rephrase it by saying about 95% of all the processed foods went to the food bank this morning.

Now I am not going to turn into a Health Nut or a Organic Foods only Nazi, I will keep some processed stuff around as treats and such, Organic produce is just Bullshit by the way, half the organic produce you buy in food stores are in fact just regular produce with an organics label on it, Notice how “Organics” costs more than regular produce? …it should be cheaper, think about it, here’s the cold hard fact: organics… grown from seed pesticide and chemical free (supposedly) picked and shipped fresh …. should be cheaper because no chemicals were used hence less expense to grow… so why then are you paying more? and don’t think for an instant your organics is not Genetically Modified ! it is, if it wasn’t they’d be dumping a shit ton of chemicals on them to keep them insect and disease free. You have been duped by the advertisers who played on your fears, so you gladly pay more for an organic apple that is in no way different than a commercial apple, wash the commercial apple for 30 seconds and you have the same damn apple as the organics, both Genetically Modified , both chemical free.

So anyway, I don’t buy organics , it’s just a big money grab that isn’t necessary, I just buy regular produce and wash it before use. BTW unless your seeds say Heirloom everything you grew in your garden is genetically modified as well. Carrots for example are NOT orange….. they made them orange to make them more appealing, people like color in their foods, no carrots are naturally white.

Speaking of produce, our front gardens are producing quite nicely , I have been picking 4 varieties of tomatoes almost daily, yellow bells, beef steak, heirloom, and cherry , I harvest around 2 pounds each daily and there is still plenty on the vines , our beets are really huge this year , oh and for the record , you can eat the beet tops as well (the leafy green stuff) they have a pleasant taste, I planted purple carrots this year and they are almost ready for harvest, and our corn is also about ready, as I said in a previous post , our main garden was flooded out and destroyed due to excess rain this year, so our harvest is going to be small , around 200 pounds of produce, down from our usual 6 to 800 pound harvest so I will have to make up the short fall at the grocery stores ( we can,preserve and freeze most everything) .

I will continue to buy beef pork and poultry from the Hutterites (Like the Amish, only modern,they use machines and have electricity phones etc and live in colonies), we have a colony just 7 miles south of us, sometimes I buy produce from them, I mean where else can you get a 50 pound sack of potatoes for 8 bucks?? I usually but 100 pounds at a time when my gardens fail.

I will continue to hunt deer, elk moose rabbit duck and goose to supplement our meat (cuts the grocery meat bill by 98%) and I will continue to fish, which means I only have to buy shrimps and salmon and oysters , I can catch the fresh water fishes on my own. (there are no salmons in Saskatchewan, that’s a coastal fish)

But I cut out the processed and manufactured foods, did you know cheese whiz is just one molecule away from being plastic? nasty huh?

here’s why I’ve always eaten Butter :

butterI already know how to make most condiments such as mayonnaise ,ketchup, BBQ sauce, I use powdered Mustard (just add water) relish etc, all easy peasy to make, home made eggnog , ice cream, peanut butter etc. I can even churn my own butter but choose to buy it because it’s quicker lol

I’m just cutting down on the chemically made foods, hydrogenated stuff , just look at that word a moment HYDROGEN…ated , extra sugars and words none of us can pronounce are all off my new food list.

I’m doing this because A: it’s healthy, B: something gave my wife Cancer and if it’s not environmental then it has to be chemical , and where would she ingest chemicals?… in processed foods, Now I am NOT saying that she definitely for 100% certainty got cancer from processed foods, but then again , I’m not saying she didn’t either… who knows? and cutting out processed foods and making healthier food choices can only be beneficial to everyone who eats it, and no it doesn’t mean more expensive, just means wash your food before you prepare it .

So That’s it for tonight, hopefully this post gave you something to ponder.

Remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted and be kind to others.

Butch
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Today I feel Better

So yesterday wasn’t so good I wasn’t myself and was “off” all day and night, I was kind of worried about coming unglued or that something was seriously amok in my old brain bucket, if I didn’t feel any better today I was going to double up on my meds tonight and see how I felt sunday.

However today, I feel just fine I feel my normal self, no fog or fuzz on the brain, t0day I feel better and I don’t need to double up on my meds , which is a good thing because I’d sleep half of tomorrow away! I take Mirtazapine and Risperidone, though Thursday I am gonna talk to my shrink about getting off the Risperidone as I don’t think it’s doing much for me except making it difficult to lose weight.

So it turned out to be a rather good day, even if my wife slaved my ass all day, I was more than happy to do as she asked because of the big prize at the end (I’ll get to that in a bit),so my wife decided that today would be a good day to move the living room around …again, so Hammy and I spent the morning moving furniture and vacuuming the carpet with my industrial shop vac, (Now for the prize)…. My wife is feeling well enough to sleep upstairs in our bedroom in our bed again!! so I took her oxygen machine up there and set everything up for her, and I will just have to get used to sleeping against the wall instead of on the outside as I used to do. … That’s the PRIZE!! My wife sleeping with me again!! it will be the first time in 8 long frightening months that I have been able to sleep with her and hold her !! That’s a pretty friggin significant prize for me!!

For the last 8 months my wife has had a bed in the living room, under the picture window so she could look out and see the yard and the birds, I also stayed in the living room, I slept on the love seat (which is about 3 feet too short for me) never leaving her alone in case she needed help during the night. I had to learn, adapt,and overcome all the hardships that come with her having Lung Cancer, and no matter the situation I learned quickly and adapted , for the last 8 months the only time I went upstairs was to get a change of clothes,put laundry away or to tuck Hammy in for the night ( he is a kind hearted 13 year old, he just let’s me tuck him in because that’s our time together to talk and shtuff), so to say that I am excited for tonight is a huge understatement!!

So now Hammy and I moved the bed she slept on in the living room up to his bedroom (up until today he slept on a mattress on the floor), now he has a complete bed, actually 2 beds made into 1, he has 2 twin box springs stacked on top of each other and 2 twin mattresses on top of that, his new bed is really soft and he loves it.

Hammy and I moved the love seat under the picture window, now there is a big empty space, so thinking ahead I went on our villages what’s happening/buy and sell facebook page and stated that I was looking for an old hide a bed or futon in decent shape,color not important, my request wasn’t posted more than 10 minutes before I got a phone call, now sometime in the coming week I will have a hide a bed delivered.

The reason I asked for a hide a bed or futon is fairly simple, should my wife take a turn for the worse or go back for chemo after November 25th, there will be a bed waiting for her in the living room, and if she doesn’t need it so much the better, but it will be there if she needs it, also it works well for over night guests!

So that’s about it for tonight, thank you to everyone who wished for a better day for me today, I had a good day and am happy as a clam.

Remember folks: express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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what and why I blog

when I first started this blog life was as good as it could be given the circumstances, my Wife was alive and living with stage 4 lung cancer (Synovial Sarcoma), she was able bodied at first, and my blog reflected that, yes I was worried but not too concerned, so my posts were about stuff I had done in my life, sometimes boring sometimes funny, and food…oh how I do love food so I posted my favorite recipes.

Then came the 8 rounds of Chemo, she was very very sick and very nearly died a few times, and my blog began to reflect that, I began to blog more and more about my wife and how brave and strong she was (I am telling you now, I doubt I have the Cajones to undergo 1 round of chemo, never mind 8 !!), I blogged about our life with cancer and still had great hope that we could beat this insidious disease, many of my posts were filled with cautious optimism, and my blog reflected that.

Now my wife has passed, the emptiness I feel in my very soul consumes me, I grieve hard, some days are good, most are pretty bad, and now my blog reflects that, I write about my grief, I share my loss, I let it be known that I am broken, I also write about the good days, the days when I do smile, the blogs and comments that make me actually laugh, yes laugh and brighten my day, and my blog reflects that.

I blog honest and unfiltered, I let my grief be known, I know there are many folks in my exact situation, or have been in my situation, who had and have to walk griefs path, and it’s a lonely journey and many have, are and will take that lonely journey, I know this because I do follow a few blogs whose author’s are in the midst of their own lonesome journey down griefs path, sometimes our paths cross or seem to run parallel , yet even if we were standing next to each other on our own paths, looking each other in the eye , we’d still be very much alone, I blog open and honestly and unfiltered as do they, in hopes that others who know grief will find us and know that even though we are each on our very own lonely journey, we truly are not alone, there are others, many others like me, just walking this path and waiting to come across another who may need a kind word, or a simple acknowledgement that yes, they do exist and we who grieve see and know and share their pain, perhaps we walk with them awhile to be sure they are okay, to let them know that though it doesn’t feel like it, life does go on, we,the ones left behind must go on and never give up, and I hope my blog reflects that.

I blog for the lovers and couples and the romantic people, I want to share the love I had and still have for my wife, I loved her then, I love her now,I will love her always until the end of time and beyond, I want people to know that true pure love exists, many many folks have it and don’t even realize what they have, i want to gently remind folks to stop being so busy with the business of life and take time, quality time to spend with those they love, for tomorrow is not a promise or guarantee, it may never come for some….then what? I want to gently remind folks to just hug those they love, to tell them that they are loved, let them know just how much they are truly loved, and to never assume that the others know that they are loved. my blog has become a cautionary true story and I hope everyone realizes how important it is to really communicate with those they love so god forbid something happens,there is no guilt of things left unsaid,that there is no “could of” “should of” “would of” left behind, what in life could possibly be so important that it takes precedence over those you love and your families? live each day as though it was your last…. what would you want to say to your love? your family? if you were not going to be here tomorrow what would you say to them? would they know in their hearts and very soul that you loved them? and I hope my blog reflects that.

this blog hopefully gently reminds people to be kind to others, your simple smile, a nod of your head, a kind word, may just mean the entire world to another person, dropping a few coins in a homeless persons cup, or buying them some food, giving them an old jacket or blanket, or any sort of kindness shown towards them, may just mean the world to them, your kindness towards others is worth more than all the material things and wealth in the world, your simple acknowledgement be it a smile or kind gesture to that stranger may make the difference between them living and dying, we all have our own stories, some good, some horrific, some filled with grief and sorrow, we don’t know each others story, it is not written on our clothes for others to see and read, it is not broadcast on our own individual radio station that anyone can hear,it is not automatically send out via texts, it is not something we automatically know, we each have our own story so be kind to others you most likely do not know their story or what they are going through, that kindness makes a big difference in a persons life, even if you doubt it had any effect. and I hope my blog reflects that.

well that’s about all I have to say about my blog and the direction I hope it’s going, hopefully soon I will have something happy or at least something to make you smile as you read to blog about, we shall see… I can’t see into the future, even 1 day, so I have no idea what the next post shall be about.

Remember folks:express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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I didn’t ask for this a brief journey through self discovery

I didn’t ask to be a single parent, I had always thought that we would be a 2 parent family, then my wife passed away and I was thrust onto the front lines of being a single parent, no manual, no guidance, no effen clue at all, I mean my wife was always there to help guide me in how to be a parent, she kept a cluttered but clean house, planned out meals a week in advance, new how to operate every single appliance large and small, knew what cleaner did what and what it was used for, she could budget so tight right down to the effen penny, she could stretch a dollar to make every penny of it count, she could make a school lunch in less than 3 minutes, and still have time to make sure my coffee was made just perfect….

I helped her, I pulled my weight and did my fair share, always with her guidance and help, everything ran like a well oiled machine and she was the only mechanic who knew how to keep it running so well.

Now she isn’t here to guide me or to help me, the whole machine is now a disorganized cluster f*ck! there is a lot of squeaky cogs in that machine she kept finely tuned, what took her an hour now takes me a few days, yes I keep the house nice, …. actually it IS nice (if I do say so myself) and it’s even de-cluttered ! as I said I am now on the front lines of being a single parent, waging war with time,knowledge (or lack thereof) , trying to keep a 13 year old human garburator fed and full, mending clothes , having to drag him along for buying new clothes (because I am too daft to know what size clothes he fits this week) , making lunches that he will eat, and doing every single thing that I used to do as a team with my wife….. alone.

I scour wordpress looking for single parent Blogs, (doesn’t matter if its a single mom or dad gay or straight) anything to glean a little knowledge in how the f*ck they do it and how is it they haven’t snapped and killed anyone yet! I learn tips and tricks for house cleaning, for fast easy meals…. how to work an effen crock pot and hey just a FYI here that I learned the hard way…. Metal doesn’t react well to Microwaves! but the light show is SPECTACULAR!!

Oh and another FYI Murphy Oil is for tables and wooden furniture do not and I repeat DO NOT use it as a linoleum floor polish!! it’s slicker than ice and doesn’t wash off easily… expect to use 2 bottles of Pine-Sol and a bottle of Dawn Dish soap to get that crap off the floor…. yeah that was 5 hours of floor scrubbing hell I can never get back!

I seriously question how single parents do it and survive, they do it year after year without complaint, I’ve only been at it going on 3 months and I’m already losing my shit!! on top of looking after the kidlet, the 4 cats and the dog, the house, the cars, the bills, the expenses, the unexpected expenses ( oh those are fun little shits….they always pop up when you’re broke!) shovelling snow, pumping out a flooded yard, thawing out frozen water hoses,general home repair (while praying nothing major craps out and needs replacing) , getting ready to fire up the home business again, working part time at the local bar, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, and about a half million things , every day all day 24/7/365 ….. and somewhere in there I am supposed to find me time? so I steal an hour here and there to goof off on the computer, visit blogs leave and reply to comments, squeeze in a blog post late in the evening while I wait for my meds to kick in, oh yes I have mental health issues on top of everything else to deal with…. my life is a real bed of effen roses!!

I haul my ass out of bed at 7 am every week day and end my night somewhere between 11 pm and 1 pm , and i generally do it out of love for my son Hammy, I get up and make sure he is fed and watered and off to school each day , and I do it with a smile on my face and love in my heart, I am proud of that boy, I truly am.

So I am getting a crash course on single parenting, it’s not fun or easy looking after every single thing on my own , well Hammy helps where and when he can, but you get the gist, but you know what?…. for all my whining here on this blog, I have big shoulders, I got this , I can do this, and I will do this, I do it all out of my Love for Hammy, and it teaches him that no matter what happens , life goes on, it also gives him some normalcy , it teaches him not to roll over and just give up or quit when things get rough, stuff he needs to know and the schools don’t teach.

So thank you for letting me rant like a lunatic , I feel better now, and know for certain that I can do this until the end of time if need be.

Remember folks: express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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Here For i know the plans i have for you

I Know the Plans I Have for You

I Know the Plans I Have for You

I Know the Plans I Have for You

I Know the Plans I Have for You

I Know the Plans I Have for You

Above is a images example For i know the plans i have for you

Hey This is often understanding of For i know the plans i have for you Then This is the guide I know too lot user searching For i know the plans i have for you The information avaliable here In this post I quoted from official sources In this work the necessary concentration and knowledge For i know the plans i have for you Im hoping this info is useful to you personally

Be thankful for meant for comming
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“I’m A Deep Fried Double Wide Version Of The Man I Was Before” video song

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Big Bois Don’t Cry … But I Do

My wife was in the hospital from Thursday until 3 pm today, she was getting her 7th round of Chemo, it’s a different drug cocktail than before, this one won’t damage her heart but makes her so very sick.
When she is having Chemo I stay with her the first day to offer support and comfort, she doesn’t want visitors the second day, so I spend 2 nights and 1 day alone at home, then go in Saturday to be with her and bring her home.

I don’t sleep well when she is not near,my mind races lost in thoughts of her,us,our little family,I remember when we first met,funny I can still remember her perfume from 17 years ago, Exclamation, that was her favorite, I smile and hold her pillow tight.
I remember every single word from every single conversation we have had in the last 17 years,as those conversations replay in my head, I can hear your voice,so full of love,hope and life, I can hear your whimsical laughter and I hold her pillow tight.

I remember the bad times too, the arguments we’ve had, I wish now that I could have been stronger and calmer in those turbulent moments, but Darlin’ ,you look so cute when you’re angry, I remember bringing you flowers and taking you out dancing and telling you how sorry I am for getting angry, we have always worked through it together, and I hold her pillow tight.

I remember when you had our son, I really wanted a girl and jokingly asked the nurse to look up your hoo-hoo to see if there was a girl in there, you laughed despite the pain and the nurse thought I was insane. I hold her pillow tight

I remember you giving me a second gift,not just a son, you told the nurse to put my name on his birth certificate, she didn’t hesitate,she told me where to sign and with that our son had my last name, he was by law mine! Oh how I have loved you for that, that was the day you also started using your married name instead of your maiden name, that day we became a true family. and I hold her pillow tight

I watched you become a great Mother, it comes natural to you, you just know how to say and do the right things, you are a near perfect parent, I truly envy you in that, but you inspire me to be a good parent, you lead by example and I follow, I stumble a lot more than you, but you always catch me. I hold her pillow tight

Remember the trips we’d take, sometimes day trips sometimes weeks at a time, just random, waking up at 6 am and driving to Billings Montana just for a cup of coffee? a 6 hour drive for coffee, or the time we were going to go to Moose Jaw for a day and wound up in Canmore Alberta 2 days later, remember camping? we started in a tent, but as I got older the ground became harder so I bought us a crappy little tent trailer, I remember how pleased you were with it and how you spent days cleaning and decorating it. and I hold her pillow tight

Just this month I got us a little car that you absolutely fell in love with, I seen the tears of joy in your eyes and my heart soared with pride because I had made you so happy, your little lady bug car, I still love the way you whispered in my ear”take me for a ride” and how happy you were pushing all the buttons. and I hold your pillow tight.

Darlin’ while your in the hospital our life together plays out over and over again in my mind, and Darlin’ while I hold your pillow tight, I cry a thousand tears of sorrow as I wonder just how many more memories we have left, I Cry a thousand tears of sorrow because I don’t ever want to be anywhere but at your side. I cry a thousand tears of sorrow because I know I am slowly losing you.

Butch
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Guess what my new hobby is

So I spent a year watching people like Tim, Tickle,Popcorn Sutton,and Jim Tom on TV and was thinking jeez laweez that looks like fun! not running from the revenue man or the law, but What it is these colorful characters do, so I figured Id give it a whirl, since I dont yet have a functional "mechanical container" (Still),I am currently using the fermentation method.

anyway here is a easy recipe for some good home brew


Easy RUM

Two pounds of brown sugar per one gallon of water and one cup of honey for every ten gallon batch. Starting hydrometer reading of about 90. Do not exceed 100. Add 1 to 3 ozs of yeast per 10 gallons of mash.

Heat one fourth of your water to 120 or 130 degrees only hot enough to melt the sugar, then stir in your sugar and then the honey last. Pour it into your fermenter and finish filling with cool water to cool it down to 80 degrees. Take a hydrometer reading and adjust as needed. The add your yeast. 6 to 14 days to ferment.


I am pretty sure making moonshine is illegal here in Canada as well, however you Can buy beer, wine,and spirits making kits, and with all the required equipment build a decent still as well, so as long as its not sold and only used for personal use and brewed in batches of 2 to 10 gallon batches then theres not a lot the law can do about it.

I am working on a simple stove top still made from a pressure cooker and about 10 feet of 1/4 inch copper pipe,when I perfect it I will post pictures.

Anyway its late , have a good weekend folks

Butch

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Some strange things are happening since I quit smoking

Okay so I am a new ex smoker , I’m only 15 days into this and I did not go “cold turkey”( I’d have killed someone had I tried that route), I’m using Champix to quit and it is working really good, how ever there are some side effects that I have been experiencing.

Vivid strange dreams, such as being in a city somewhere in the USA chasing someone and jumping from train to train only to lose them in an old building. – I don’t know why I was chasing them but I was hell bent on catching them! and why a city in the USA?? I’m a country bumpkin from Canada!

The Screaming Shit Weasels (the runs) a not to fun side effect of Champix, those I think are gone since yesterday (Thank God!!) my poor arse couldn’t take much more of that abuse! everything I ate within the first 13 days turned instantly into Super High Octane Anal Rocket Fuel! ( mental note to self, lay off the chili peppers when dealing with shit weasels and get familiar with the song Ring of Fire)!!

I also walked around freezing and roasting to death for the first 12 days, very much like being in the throes of menopause, it wasn’t very pleasant and I now have a healthy respect for the ladies who suffer hot flashes and bouts of freezing on a regular basis, I barely survived 12 days, I can’t fathom experiencing that for years at a time.

Now after 15 days I am actually starting to feel a bit different, for starters I have more energy, in fact for the first time in forever I have had energy to spare, it feels good to not be so easily tired , I can do more with my time , how ever I do still have my mid afternoon snooze , though they are starting to be more of power naps than actual snoozes.

My sense of smell is a tad weird now, I can smell a lot better, but I also smell things that just can not be, such as tonight I came home from a walk around the village and to me my house smelled like a Brewery, I could smell beer ! there is no beer in my house.
I get phantom smells , but my sense of smell is getting sharper, I can smell smoke on other people, and quite frankly, it’s not very pleasant to me.

My sense of Taste is really messed up too, Now I must state for the record I am a Meatasaurus (Carnivore) , I love MEAT and have meat with every meal, not always store bought either, I also hunt and fish, there is deer, elk, moose and various fresh water fish and fowl in my deep freeze, I make NO apologies for my love of meat nor for the fact that I hunt either, to each their own.
The point of this is, tonight I BBQ’ed up beef steaks for myself and my family, I cooked them to perfection, they were seasoned just right and were ohhh so tender and juicy, I swear I have never grilled so good in my life as I did tonight, it would have made Bobby Flay proud for sure…. just one teensy tiny problem…..

I took two bites and damn near upchucked! to me it was the foulest tasting hunk of meat I have ever eaten! I asked my wife and our son if it tasted “off” to them? NOPE they were eating it up like there was no tomorrow, so I tried again, nada I actually gagged.. WTF!!!?? I couldn’t eat my beloved steak!! I ate the fried Polenta and sweet potatoes , the green beans (my fav) and the purple carrots just fine, but no matter how hard I tried I just could not eat my steak!! our dog Memphis ate good tonight, he got a $15 steak supper!!

Eggs are another thing I can’t eat right now, to me they taste god aweful, and just 4 days ago I was enjoying a 6 egg omelette, Orange juice is out too (and I love orange juice) it’s too acidy and leaves a bad after taste.

I hope my taste buds settle down and smarten up because I’d rather die than give up eating meat and eggs !!

Anyway that’s it for tonight, remember folks, express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others

Butch
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