Valentine’s Day has lost it’s luster… at least for me

Today is Valentine’s day , it should be a day of great happiness, joy and love, it should be a time when all single folks spend their time with friends or family making memories, it should be a time when lovers profess their love to each other, it should be a time when families openly show their love to each other, it should be a day where you know you are truly loved.

Today would have been our 18th year Anniversary, it was supposed to be a day in which we had our own tradition, today is the 1 day of the year I would have refrained from saying NO to any wish or desire that my wife may have had (and she has had some doozies over the years), Today is the day that I would have spent granting every wish and going to great lengths to profess my love to her.

Today is the day that I would have had reservations at her favorite 5 start restaurant, today is the day our house would have been filled with flowers, today is the day I would have romanced the jinkers out of her, today is the day we would have went dancing.

Today was our day, it would have been our Anniversary, Today is the day I would have gotten down on one knee , opened a small box with a jewelry trinket of some sort and proposed to her yet again for the 18th Time, a tradition I have done every year with her, my way of saying Darling, I loved you from the very start and as each year passes my love for you only grows stronger and deeper, you are even more beautiful now as the day we first met, and Darling, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing, I love you more than life itself.

This Valentines day all I have is a deep sense of loss, my Heart aches and I weep tears of deep sorrow and loneliness, all I have left are memories of a happier time. I force a smile as the memories flow, I weep as I watch families out for a nice morning walk, I miss her, no Today is now just another day now, and will forever be.

Today is hard on Hammy too, today is the day he would have given her a homemade card that he made in art class at school, today is the day he would have kissed his Mom on the cheek and told her just how much he loved her, today is the day he would have strived and gone the extra mile to make her happy, to do as she asked without question or thought, today is the day he would have catered to her every whim,today is the day where he would have shared in the feelings of love, today is the day where he would have felt the love of his little family.

It’s not the same now without her, Today is just another day for Hammy and I now, Today we will play chess and share a nice meal together, today we will go for a walk and try to avoid the families that are out and about, today has become a day of remembrance of what was once a Happy joyous day, today is a day that is forever changed, today is now just another day. a hard day on the both of us.

Butch.
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My Wife’s Cancer is taking it’s toll

So as you all know my wife has lung cancer, a rare form of it, we got to see the CT Scan on June 4th, it’s not good, my wife has a very large aneurysm on her main artery that goes to her right lung, it is caused by the cancerous tumor, the chemo is causing the tumor to shrink so that for the first time the Doctors can see what is going on behind and around it, and the tumor has done a lot of damage.

My Wife’s chemo treatments have been suspended until the aneurysm is repaired, which is scheduled to happen Tuesday June 10th at the General Hospital in Regina (Saskatchewan,Canada) , it’s a high risk surgery as she also has a massive blood clot in her heart (in the upper right chamber), they can’t do anything that will cause that clot to break free and travel to her 1 remaining fully functioning lung or even worse pass through her heart, either situation is fatal to her.

She takes daily Fragmin (blood thinner) injections, 15,000 IU per shot, it is slowly dissolving that blood clot and others in her bad lung, so it’s not like nothing is being done to fix the blood clot.

The scary part aside from the pending surgery to repair the aneurysm is the fact that her chemo is temporarily suspended, which means that damn Cancer tumor is going to start growing again, it’s a extremely aggressive cancer (synovial sarcoma), the tumor grows daily not gradually, as the Doctor aptly put it :My Wife is caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea!, meaning she is going to die without surgery to repair the aneurysm and she may die if the surgery is not a success, add to that a growing cancerous tumor and the outcome is not very good.

The plan is to do the surgery on June 10th, then transfer her from the General to the Allen Blair Cancer Center and start the chemo on the 11th, the 12th the absolute latest, she has no recovery time , she can’t afford a couple days or a week to recover from the surgery, the chemo has to start asap as the tumor will be growing by then, she was suposed to do her chemo today but it was cancelled until after the surgery, the Doctors didn’t want to give the surgeons any excuse to say they couldn’t operate.

So that is where we are at with everything, I am very scared and worried for my wife, I am not prepared to bury her , I can’t imagine life without her, we have been together for 17 wonderful years and have beat the odds and built a life and a family together, Outwardly I remain rock solid, I am my wife’s emotional rock , I remain strong and confident for her and for Hammy (our son) , but inwardly my very soul is crying in anguish, my heart is breaking for my wife, I step outside for a few moments every few hours to pull myself together, I write in my blog to weigh everything out, to share our story with others, to let the world know about my beautiful amazing wife , to collect my thoughts and as a form of therapy, and yes if and when my wife passes I shall continue to blog, it will be hard , but I want my wifes life to be celebrated by the world, and to let others who may be dealing with a serious illness or a loss know that I understand what they are going through,and no matter the outcome, life has to go on as hard as it may be.

So that’s all I have to say for tonight, remember folks, don’t take tomorrow for granted, express your love often, and be kind to others, Peace and love to you all

Butch
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Winter’s on it’s way and other ramblings from the prairies

So for now we here in our little corner of Saskatchewan (Canada) have avoided the dreaded white stuff that falls from the sky (Snow) , (having said that I probably just jinxed myself and will wake up to 10 feet of the shit) but the temperatures have just screamed snow on the horizon hovering between 2 and 5 degrees celsius during the day and dropping as low as minus 7 at night, our saving grace? …. we keep getting a southern wind from our neighbours (Thank you USA) as long as they keep sending the winds our way we shall remain snow free.

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I know that the snow isn’t far off now, the Blue Jays are setting up shop in our back yard, there is 5 or 6 of them so far, funny they only come in winter, don’t get me wrong I love the blue buggers, but what I really want to see is a Cardinal !! I have only seen 1 in my entire 47 years of existence and that was 40 friggin years ago! I really really want to see another one. The hawks and falcons have gone south for the winter and the great horned owls and snowy owls have taken their place and the Canadian Geese are staging in the fields for their journey south , the good thing about that is at least we won’t be stepping in Goose shit for the next 7 months, they will soon be the USA’s problem (you’re welcome)

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Today I put up my snow fence along our driveway , all 100 feet of it, I have some left over snow fence (about 50 feet) so I gave it to our neighbour to help him out, this will be his second winter out here (he and his family are city folk), last winter his driveway blew in something fierce (got snowed in) and about that time his shiny new snowblower crapped out on him. He almost died last year with the amount of snow we got out here, nor could he believe how cold it can get, in the city he was sheltered from the winds by multiple buildings walls and such, he got a taste of minus 50 with a 40 mile an hour wind and blowing snow out here in the open prairie , to say he was a little freaked out was an understatement lol

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I have had a pretty easy day over all, just winterizing the house and property, topping off all the fluids in my cars and dealing with a wicked weather induced migraine , always happens to me this time of year as the atmospheric pressure drops and it will happen again 7 months from now when spring hits and the pressure changes once again, this will be an ongoing saga for me for about 2 months until the atmospheric pressure stabilizes, it’s also that time of year when I really begin to feel my age (47) , my joints hurt and I’m stiff most of the winter, but you won’t hear me bitching about it often as it is merely a painful reminder of a very full and active life I have lived (so far) I’m not as crazy as I was 20 years ago , but I am still active and I will be kept busy all winter shovelling paths to and from the work shed and various other locations, as well as the driveway and helping the neighbours clear their drives.

cartoon34Of course I will be taking my wife to the city weekly for her doctor appointments keeping her alive and as healthy as possible despite her lung cancer is of utmost importance, hell keeping myself healthy is important now since I am the only person that drives, I can’t afford to be sick, my wife’s life depends on me looking after myself and staying healthy. Our son is as healthy and as strong as an ox so I don’t really have to worry about him much. So it’s month 2 for me on the crestor and metamucil ( anti cholesterol) and I have definitely noticed a change in my overall health, I feel better, I have more energy, and I’ve lost 5 pounds! I am now down to 220 pounds ( I carry the weight well , I’m 5ft 10), I have gotten used to the metamucil so I don’t feel like I’m dying every time I drink a glass of juice with it, so far so good, I am hoping to have lost another 5 pounds by the end of November, ideally I’d like to get down to 180 to 185 pounds , that is my goal and it’s realistic , if I just keep on doing what I’m doing I will eventually get there.

So I guess that’s it for tonight, remember folks : express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others.

Butch
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it’s a freakin Snowpocolyps out there!!

Ugh! when I did my last post a few hours ago it was just cold out and nary a snowflake in sight…. fast forward a couple hours and it’s snowing…. not just snowing but SNOWING!! frickin great!! that’s just great! … Welcome to my HELL folks, for the next 7 frickin months I will be shovelling that shit multiple times per day! ….the only bright side to this is the fact that by winters end I will have some serious pipes (muscles)! other than that there is no bright spots……and for all you granola munching salad grazing tree huggers out there who think winter is the best time of year……. JUST BITE ME!… you don’t know winter unless you’re from Nebraska , Alaska, Montana, or Saskatchewan or the Yukon… lets see how effin beautiful you think winter is when it’s minus 55 and there’s 6 feet of goddamned snow that needs to be shovelled!! … yeah stick your beautiful winter theory right in the south end of a north bound donkey! … UGH!!

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T’is also the time of year when every inexperienced winter driver becomes a road hazard! listen folks… driving in a Saskatchewan winter is a whole new level of driving… how you drive in every other province , state, country, planet means JACK SHIT when driving here!! .. let me clue you in here folks… there’s this funky stuff called Black Ice… our highways suck in the best of conditions, but put 3 inches of ice on it and it becomes real fun to drive on… and that’s just the ice you can see!! then there’s the black ice, that shit’s real fun, just as you get your butt unpuckered from driving across 20 miles of regular ice, you round a corner and WHAM suddenly the ass end of your car is twerking like Miley Cyrus on crack!! let me tell you your asshole will slam shut faster and tighter than if you had dropped the soap in a jailhouse shower!

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The last part of this winter rant…and it’s a doozy, it drives me BATSHIT CRAZY…. look folks it’s frickin cold out there, would you like to sleep outside when it’s below zero and snowing?… well your pets don’t effin like it either! bring your frickin pets in during the winter!! it’s friggin animal abuse to leave them out in the cold… look I have a dog, a very big dog, a 160 pound Rottweiler/Shepard cross, he NEEDS to go out every couple hours to take a shit, and trust me he leaves MASSIVE landmines!! thats go out , not BE out, 5 or 10 minutes in this cold weather is more than enough time for him, now if you own a pocket dog (anything smaller than say… 30 pounds) their time out is probably a bit less, if my massive dog is freezing his nuts off after 10 minutes …imagine how your pocket dog whose nuts probably do drag the ground must feel! …. let us not forget the cats!! those psychotic mousers are just not adapted or evolved to handle being outdoors in winter! they do sell cat litter in stores… frickin USE IT!! don’t let your damn cat out at minus 20! it’s got HAIR not FUR , wanna feel what the cat feels… strip down to your underoos and go stand out in a snow bank for 20 minutes…. that’s what your cat feels!! sorry but irresponsible pet owners just piss me right the eff off! if you’re not willing to spend the next 10 to 15 years (sometimes longer) loving and looking after a pet….don’t friggin get one! at best the smartest dog has the same brain power as a 2 year old human…. that dog is your forever 2 year old! unless you’re willing to spend the next decade looking after a toddler…don’t get a friggin dog! …cats… they’re a whole different kind of animal… they are smart enough not to let humans know just how effing smart they are! either way folks, it’s cold out, be responsible with your pets a good rule of thumb is, if you don’t like being out in the cold,your pet(s) won’t either. and hey… if you can spare a bowl or 2, set some food out for the strays in your area… those animals have a hard life, lend a hand won’t you?

Remember folks : express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.

Butch
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