Beware the Ethnic foods… or how to completely Destroy a bathroom…

So Hammy and I were invited to a Full Gospel church in the city , to say it was different is an understatement, it’s open and welcoming to people from all walks of life all genders and orientations, now I should mention that my friend who invited me is Jamaican , she is a laugh riot and a very beautiful person , those that know her are blessed to have her in their lives, she introduced me to the reverend? preacher? pastor? (the big cheese at the pulpit) he is a very kind man, and does the whole laying on hands while praying, and he prayed over Hammy and I for guidance and peace during our time of grief, I did have some trouble understanding him as he is from Africa , and as I quickly discovered , he can speak in biblical tongues . It was an amazing experience.

And yes Hammy and I were the only caucasians at this church , which is perfectly fine, people are people, but as we learned today that other than color there are some pretty big differences in our cultures. such as Love and Kindness, now I am sorry to have to admit this but within my own culture I don’t often see so much love and kindness towards our fellow human beings, I have never been hugged and kissed by so many strangers before or made to feel so welcome, and it was genuine emotion not just empty words, the biody language matched their words.

Another big difference, (that I only believed happened in the movies) and this never happens in the little church out here in the village is, the way they worshipped at this Full Gospel Church , the music was very up beat and quick, there was a full choir, and almost everyone was dancing , some folks jumped up in the isle and started yelling Hallelujah and dancing with their arms outstretched to God , people were crying , yes I admit it scared Hammy a bit and really surprised me, my friend leaned over and told me this is like a rival you see on tv, happens all the time there , people feel the spirit and they can’t contain themselves, and many were singing and speaking in tongues .

This went on for about 2 hours , and I was amazed and I swear i could almost feel the spirit myself, the sermon was beautiful all about loving our fellow man , we are all brothers and sisters in this world , being on guard because the devil is a trickster , anyway after the sermon , everybody gathered downstairs for a big dinner, that’s when another big cultural difference hit , to be honest I can’t tell you exactly what the food was, there were eggs, but I’ve never tasted any like that before, and there was a salted fish and cabbage , that OMG it was delicious, and very spicy , and some sort of dumpling , it was a sweet with meat in the middle , also spicy , I have no idea what the foods were , they were all spicy and Hammy and I struggled with some of it as we had never eaten it before, the folks were very kind, they gave us little sample bowls before putting it on our plates, and my friend was warning me that is very spicy mon , or try this mon you’ll love it , and I did , as did Hammy , it came time for us to leave and we were again hugged by most everyone and thanked for coming, we thanked them for having us .

Now when we got home, being that I’m old , the food went through me quicker than shit through a goose! I hit the washroom … aaaaannnndddd HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD!!!! I thought it burned going in, I discovered the NINTH PLANE OF HELL as it was on it’s way out!!

I’ll spare you the Gory details and just tell you that Montezuma’s Revenge is a nice sunday walk in the park compared to what was going on in my bathroom !!

That ethnic food was Anal rocket Fuel to a caucasian !! and if I had to guess I’d say I had eaten about 2 pounds of this mystery foods ……. and a HELL of a lot more than 2 pounds came out!! I swear to GOD I lost 5 freakin pounds in less than 5 seconds! it…. came out with such force it very NEARLY LAUNCHED me off the toilet!!

I DESTROYED my bathroom !! even the toilet tried to regurgitate !! , I opened the window and jammed a fan in it to clear out the smell, 3 cans of air freshener later … 3 whole cans!! the stench was unbearable , I poured a gallon of Bleach into the toilet , my damn dog caught a whiff of the bathroom and ran upstairs whimpering !!! Hammy swore for the first time in his life …….. “JESUS ALMIGHTY DAD YOU BLOODY KILLED THE BATHROOM!! as tears streamed down his face….. he was in the living room… 3 whole rooms away !! he started to turn green around the gills and went outside so he could breathe !! the 4 cats were upstairs hiding from the stench under the bed refusing to come out , the dog was in Hammy’s room shooting me dirty looks , and i was in the hallway checking my underoos for skid marks!!

it has now been 5 hours since the above happened, the bathroom still has a faint smell to it, I showered to get the stank off me and have run my clothes through the laundry, triple the soap and quadruple the bounce sheets, I phoned my friend and told her what UNHOLY DEMONIC SHIT took place in my washroom…… between her fits of uncontrollable laughter, she asked me “are ya dead yet mon? and laughed even harder at my plight (because my arse is still on FIRE!!) I replied no i am not dead, but I am wishing I was!! which brought forth even harder laughter on her end… she replied with no worries mon, drink some milk and you’ll be fine in the mornin followed by uncontrolled howls of laughter on her end .

So that’s all I got for tonight folks, this experience took A LOT out of me… (LITERALLY!!) , I am gonna go sit on a pillow and go medieval on a bottle of pepto bismol and a 4 litre jug of milk

Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others

Butch
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