Let me just get this out there, I am still very much broken inside, I still grieve hard over my wife’s passing, but I am functioning, I am doing what I must do in order to provide a safe loving home for our son, I know I must continue to live life as best as I can and never just quit (though I really want to just quit), I know I have work to finish in this life before I can join my wife in the next, and to be honest, yes I have provisions in both my living will and my final will on who Hammy would live with in the event of my demise, what stops me from ceasing to exist in this life? #1 Hammy does, I couldn’t do that to him, it would be very cruel and heartless of me to do such a thing, #2 My Wife wouldn’t want for me to just up and quit life, she would want me to go on living and be there to see my future grand kids, #3 my personal beliefs in God and the afterlife stop me from doing anything profoundly stupid that would possibly hinder if not prevent me being with my wife in the next plane of existence, ( and no I don’t believe in the old hell fire and brimstone, that’s just crap created by man to scare people into getting their asses saved by God before they die…. it’s Hokum!)
Okay so having said that, I want to tell you a bit of my last year with my wife, to say it was stressful is a drastic understatement , it was a year filled with stress, worry, panic, sorrow,prayer,fear,anger(anger that she was stricken with Cancer, not anger at her), it was a year where I almost lost my wife many times, it was a year filled with 8 rounds of Chemo that required a 1 week hospital stay each round, it was during those times she almost died, it was a year of very little sleep as I was looking after my wife 24/7, Everyone including our son to a back seat in order of importance, friends family it didn’t matter, nobody was as important as my wife, myself included, financially I took a HUGE hit, our son (just 13) ran my business as I didn’t have the time, I was spending $500+ per month just in gasoline getting her to Doctors and to the Hospital, another $400 a month easily on drugs that were not covered under our Canadian Health Care system , another $350 or so per month just on her special diets ( Boost or Ensure drinks are $13.99 for a six pack) and so much more, my entire world revolved around her and keeping her alive and with us for as long as possible.
that was my life and so much more from December 2013 through to January 26 2015, Now ontop of my grief, I also carry so much guilt, guilt over pretty much abandoning our son, yes I fed him and made sure he had everything he needed, I told him I loved him but never truly gave him what he needed most….. Time, for a year he was pushed aside while I focused on my wife, I am just now beginning to really get to know my son, all I have now is Time so I focus it all on him.
I feel guilt for pushing all our friends back and family too, I’d rarely talk to any of them unless they phoned and my wifes side of the family harbors deep resentment towards me for that because I didn’t keep them updated on her as often as I perhaps should of.
I feel a deep sense of guilt because I feel relieved that it is all over, it’s hard to explain, I feel relief because now I have time for myself and others, to try and repair the damage I have done from pushing people back, I feel relief because financially I am slowly recovering ( I borrowed a shit ton of money of the course of the last year to make sure my wife had everything she needed, to keep my car running etc.) I am finally able to pay off those loans 1 or 2 at a time, with each debt that is paid I feel relief.
I feel guilt because I am slowly starting to live again, not simply exist, I feel guilt because I am relieved that all the stress and worry and fear are gone, I feel guilty for feeling relieved, and that guilt makes my grief so much harder to bare.
I have guilt because there are days (though few and far between) where I indulge in a laugh and a smile, and I have brief moments of happiness and contentment, I feel guilty for that, I still grieve hard and to be honest, I cry every night as I lay in bed, the same bed I have shared with my wife for the last 18 years, it’s now so cold and empty, I miss my wife so very much and can’t remember the happy times without shedding tears.
It’s hard on me when I am grocery shopping and in malls, I’ve never done either without her at my side, I see families together and it hurts me deep, I have to duck down an empty isle to dry my tears, I have difficulty driving alone as well, the 30 odd miles to the city may as well be 3000 miles, the drive seems longer now and it is certainly much lonelier, there’s no one to enjoy the scenery and nature with anymore.
I feel guilt because I am alive and cancer free ( I am a smoker) and she is no longer alive and died of a rare form of lung cancer, and she never smoked a day in her life, I have never smoked in the house or car or anywhere around non smokers, I feel guilty because it should have been me , not her!
Anyway, that’s all I have to say for tonight so remember folks : express your love often, never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.
Butch
easy wood projects to build
